Always
by Annna
Summary: Monica's not feeling well. Read and find out why. And please review!
1. Always1

Always, 1  
  
  
INTRODUCTION: Okay, so I decied to post this series here now, instead of once the Adultery series is finished. To sum the background for this series up, it's a few years into the future, C&M are married and have a daughter. I think that sums it up real nice, lol!  
DISCLAIMER: The "Friends" characters aren't any more mine now than they've been before... And the lyrics for "My All" belong to... someone other than me... I don't know whom... And the title for the series was Ashlee's idea... Wow, I'm starting to wonder of any of this is actually mine, lol!  
  
  
Monica sighed and got out of bed. It was no use. She couldn't go to sleep.  
  
Next to her in bed lay Chandler, fast asleep and apparently dreaming something nice. Monica shook her head and grabbed her robe from the floor. When was the last time she'd dreamt anything nice?  
  
Out in the living room she sat down on the couch, pulling her robe tighter. She looked around in the room, and her eyes fell on the VCR clock. It was two am in the morning. She had about four more hours to fall asleep in before she had to get up again, a thought that wasn't too encouraging. But she knew she didn't have a choice. Weather or not she would go to work she still never got to sleep any longer than 'til 6 am. She should be totally beat every night when she went to bed, but she wasn't. She was constantly tired, but hardly ever able to go to sleep.  
  
"Maybe I just need some fresh air…" she mumbled, and got out on the balcony. She looked out over the city, still full of noise even at this late hour. Cities never slept.  
  
She stood outside for a while, breathing in the cold air, trying to hold the tears back. In case Chandler woke up when she got back into bed she didn't want it to show that she'd been crying.  
  
She sighed and went back inside. It was too cold outside to stay out for long. And catching a cold wouldn't do her much good, even if it might let her sleep some.  
  
She sat down on her bedside and carefully took her robe off and let it lay by the side of the bed. She didn't bother to care about it right now. She carefully got back into bed, and welcomed the warmth underneath the covers.  
  
Chandler rolled over and put an arm around her, probably still asleep. He frowned and grunted, probably noticing that she was cold. But his breath was steady and he was most likely still asleep.  
  
Monica stared at the ceiling. Sleep wouldn't come to her. A glance at Chandler's alarm clock told her that it was closing in on 3 am, but she still couldn't go to sleep. She sighed and closed her eyes.  
  
*  
  
The next morning Chandler was already up when Monica woke up. He'd gotten up at the first ring of the alarm clock, but he'd decided to let her sleep and set the clock to ring 30 minutes later, so she'd still wake up in time. She smiled and sent him a quiet thanks as she shut it of. She needed several more hours of sleep, 30 minutes didn't really do much difference, but she appreciated the gesture.  
  
She got dressed quickly and went out to the living room. Chandler was finishing off a cup of coffee while at the same time trying to feed their 15 month old daughter Regina baby food from a jar.  
  
"Hey…" Monica said, placing a kiss on his cheek and grabbing the spoon. "Thanks for letting me sleep." She sat down on the chair on the other side of Regina's baby chair, and continued the task of feeding the child.  
  
"You really looked like you could use it" Chandler said. "I actually tried to shake you awake when you didn't react to the clock, but when you didn't wake up I thought I might as well just set it again. And then check to see if you were breathing."  
  
Monica smiled and kept in a yawn.  
  
"Mon, were you out of bed last night?" Chandler asked. Monica raised an eyebrow. "I woke up for a minute, rolled over on your side, and you were really cold."  
  
"I… went outside for a sec…" Monica said. "Just to catch some air."  
  
"Catch some air in the middle of the night? Well no wonder you're tired."  
  
Monica ignored the comment. She didn't understand if he was mad or just making a comment, but either way she didn't feel like continuing the discussion.  
  
Chandler eyed her for a second as she fed the baby the last food in the jar. Regina had most of her breakfast outside of her mouth at the moment, it was obvious that Monica was too tired to be focused.  
  
"Honey…" Chandler said. Monica looked up. "You know, why don't you let me take care of her, I'm done with my breakfast now anyway, you've got 30 minutes to catch up on after all. You should get something to eat."  
  
Monica shook her head.  
  
"Don't worry, I'm done feeding her now."  
  
"I know that," Chandler said, "so why don't you let me clean her off and get her ready?"  
  
Monica shrugged her shoulders and let him pick up the baby. He held Regina with his left arm while cleaning up after her with his right.  
  
Monica rose and made herself some breakfast while Chandler took the baby to get her ready to go to day-care.  
  
*  
  
Monica sat down on the couch, her head spinning. It was later that day, she had just gotten home with Regina. She closed her eyes and begged for the spinning to stop. She knew she needed sleep, but she also knew her daughter needed her. And she knew what Chandler would say if she went asleep right away without giving Regina something to eat and then a new diaper. He would remind her that if you bring a baby to the world it's your responsibility to care for it, and your own needs come in second.  
  
She opened her eyes and cast a glance on Regina, who was toddling around in the living room, carrying with her the bunny Joey had given her once, that was like her security blanket.  
  
"Come here, sweetie…" Monica said, and lifted her daughter up when she got closer. She placed her in her knee and kissed her on the cheek. "What do you say we get you something to eat, huh?"  
  
"Mommy!" Regina said, and waved her bunny. Mommy was the only noun she ever said. Chandler was a bit disappointed that she'd never called him daddy, but on the other hand everything got to be called mommy. It wasn't something that their daughter reserved just for Monica.  
  
"Yes, mommy's gonna get you something to eat" Monica said, rising with her daughter in her arms and going into the kitchen. She wished Chandler would be home soon, even though she knew he worked for another two hours today. As soon as he got home she would go into the bedroom and try to sleep  
  
*  
  
About a week later Chandler woke up in the middle of the night, sensing that something was wrong. He sleepily glanced over on Monica's side and saw her twist and turn, obviously having a nightmare. She was soaked in sweat and looked ready to burst into tears in her sleep. She was mumbling something, but he couldn't make out what it was. He decided to wake her up. He knew she wasn't sleeping much these days, but he didn't want her to continue in the nightmare.  
  
"Monica…" he said, shaking her. "Honey, wake up. You're having a bad dream, wake up!"  
  
Monica woke up and sat up in bed with a start. She was breathing heavily, stroking her sweaty hair away from her face.  
  
"What, what is it, is it Regina?" she asked, apparently quite frightened.  
  
Chandler sat up and put an arm around her, leaning her back down with him.  
  
"No. You were having a nightmare. You woke me up."  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"Don't be sorry for me…" Chandler said, stroking her forehead and wishing she would calm her breath. "I just wanted you to wake up so you could dream something nicer, that's all…"  
  
Monica sighed and looked at him, looking unhappy.  
  
"Chandler thanks… but I can't even remember what I was dreaming, it probably wasn't all that bad… You know, I haven't been sleeping well lately, that might explain why I had a bad dream, being so stressed out and all…"  
  
"Dr. Bing has a better idea" Chandler said, putting his hand against her forehead. "You've got a fever."  
  
"Oh. That explains it."  
  
Monica yawned, seeming prepared to let it go. She closed her eyes and snuggled closer to him. Chandler closed his eyes as well, shaking off the troubling thoughts. So what if she had a fever? Everyone gets sick at times. It was probably just a result of the stress in her life the past weeks. He slowly stroked her back, calming her down and rocking her to sleep. But all of a sudden he stopped.  
  
"Monica… The small of your back is feeling hot."  
  
"Mmhm?" Monica mumbled, feeling sleep coming and welcoming it. She got wide awake again when Chandler almost brutally sat up in bed and started to feel her on the small of her back.  
  
"Chandler I don't know about you really, but I'm too tired for anything sexual, and my back is not an erogenous zone" she mumbled, hoping to be able to fall asleep.  
  
Chandler didn't listen. He frowned ands tried to remember if it was just a sign that she was having a cold, or if her hot back meant something else.  
  
"Mon, would you turn around and lay on your stomach?" he asked.  
  
She mechanically rolled over on her stomach and wanted to tell him to quit pressing his fingers along her spine like that and just leave her alone, when all of a sudden she felt a sharp pain where he pressed his fingers. Chandler quickly lifted them off her and gave her a nervous glance.  
  
"Monica--" he began, but she rolled over on her back and started talking, interrupting him.  
  
"Don't do that, that hurts, just let me sleep Chandler!" she said, annoyed, and then sighed and tried to fall asleep again.  
  
Chandler lay down next to her and glanced at her. He could soon hear on her steady breath that she was asleep again, but he was worried. He knew she'd been having trouble sleep, been feeling depressed and also felt some nausea. It could be a cold, but it could also be something else. But when he the next morning felt her forehead and didn't find it hot he decided to forget about it.  
  
*  
  
His thoughts came back to him a few days later when he was in the kitchen reading the news. Ross had taken Regina to visit Carol, Susan and Ben, so him and Monica had a calm afternoon by themselves. He could hear Monica be sick in the bathroom. She came out and sat down opposite him.  
  
"This is one of those days when life really sucks…" she muttered, rubbing her eyes.  
  
"Mon?" Chandler said, asking her by saying her name if she was okay.  
  
"Nothing's really wrong, I'm just unfazed" Monica said. "I've probably eaten something I shouldn't have. Or maybe I'm getting the flu or something."  
  
"What else? You've been having trouble sleeping, right?"  
  
"Yeah… a little… And to be honest I've been feeling kinda' depressed lately. No offence" she added with a crooked smile.  
  
"No, none taken…" Chandler assured her. "You know, I was thinking…" he continued, putting his thoughts into words., "I was in Memphis the week you realized you were pregnant with Regina. So I'm not really sure of how you realized you probably were. But I was thinking that maybe all of this is a sign that you're expecting another child…" By now he had started to smile, liking the thought of having another child in the family.  
  
"You think I might be expecting?" Monica said, surprised.  
  
"Well…" Chandler said, shrugging his shoulders. Monica broke out in a smile.  
  
"You really mean that honey? I haven't thought about it, but you're right! Nausea! Feeling tired, feeling a bit low… I might very well be pregnant!"  
  
They looked at each other, smiling big. Then Monica rose from her chair and in the next moment she was in Chandler's lap, kissing him lovingly. Chandler kissed her back and held her close, overwhelmed with joy.  
  
*  
  
It was eight o'clock at night a few days later that the phone rang. Chandler and Monica had called it an early night since Regina had seemed tired, and they were already in bed when the phone rang. Chandler reached out his hand to answer.  
  
Monica only listened with half an ear to the conversation. She was still very tired, but a lot happier now than she had been earlier on. She and Chandler had visited a doctor the day before to check if she was pregnant and get her examined at the same time. She was busy dreaming away about the baby she knew she might be expecting.  
  
She heard Chandler hang up the phone and waited for him to tell her who it was. When he said nothing she rolled over and snuggled up to him, asking him who it had been.  
  
"Well, it was the doctor" Chandler said.  
  
"Really?" Monica smiled and gave him a loving kiss on the cheek. "And what did the doctor have to say?"  
  
*  
  
Chandler stared on the white walls in the doctor's office, trying to swallow the anxiety that was like a lump in his throat. He had one arm around Monica, and he knew it was gripping her tight. He could feel her body next to him, but he couldn't look at her.  
  
Monica was looking down at her hands. The doctor had given them a few minutes to let it sink in. But she knew she would need weeks, if not months to let it sink in. She was not pregnant at all. She was sick. Mortally ill. She had somehow gotten leukaemia, a disease that some people survived and others died from. She didn't even dare to think about which category she belonged to. She could feel Chandler's arm around her and somehow she got strength from it. And for some reason she started to wonder what he was thinking. It was a whole lot easier to concentrate on that than to get lost in her own thoughts.  
  
Chandler took his eyes from the walls and looked directly at the doctor.  
  
"Will she make it?" he asked straight out. He could feel Monica freeze. He knew it was mean to her to ask that in front of her, but he needed to know and he didn't want her to spend every day wondering either.  
  
"I'd say the chances are about 70%…" the doctor said. Judging by the tone of his voice he might as well be speaking about the chances that they would get rain the next day. "The numbers do of course change a little depending on what sort of the disease we are talking about…"  
  
"Doctor, will I die?" Monica asked, staring on the wall to her right.  
  
"Hopefully not" the doctor said, flashing them what probably was meant to be an encouraging smile.  
  
Monica didn't look at him. She stared into the wall and hoped she would wake up and find it all to be another nightmare.  
  
*  
  
"How are we going to tell HER?" Chandler said that evening when the two were sharing a bottle of wine on the couch. "I mean, how to you explain something like this to a person who's not even 1½ years old?"  
  
Monica bit her lower lip.  
  
"I can't believe this has happened…" she said. She looked up at him. "Chandler what if I never get to see Regina grow up? Seriously, that is my only wish, to get to see her grow up. What if I…" She drifted off and stared into her glass.  
  
"You'll be around to see it" Chandler said.  
  
Monica smiled slightly. She loved the way he'd said that in. He'd said it in a way that could actually make her believe he might be right. He'd said it as if it was obvious, not as if he was trying to encourage her.  
  
"But still though…" Chandler said. "I mean, how are we going to tell her? We can't ignore that there's a small chance that you'll die. And I mean, 'mommy's going away for a while' would really screw her up in case…" He drifted off and smiled slightly. "Gosh, I can't even believe I'm thinking so… rationally about all of this. Or more correctly, PRACTICALLY."  
  
"I guess that's one way of letting it sink in…" Monica mumbled. "You know, I have to admit that it's almost a relief to at least know why I've been so sick lately… I would have preferred a pregnancy, but at least now I don't have to wonder if I'm going insane."  
  
"You know this is going to be tough." Chandler said. "Having cancer is no game. But on the other hand, you're going to be one of the lucky ones who survive. A year from now this is all going to be over."  
  
Monica sighed and put her glass down on the coffee table. She took a look around.  
  
"It's gonna be a long time before I see this apartment again… I mean, once I've been admitted to the hospital… I'm gonna miss it." She looked straight at Chandler. "I'm gonna miss YOU. And Regina…"  
  
"I understand the apartment bit, but… Regina and I will be around. Don't think you can keep me away, and I think you and Regina both need to see each other…"  
  
"I don't know sweetie…" Monica said. "I'm not sure I would want her to see me so sick."  
  
"Mon, you can't just not see your daughter for several months! I don't think it's going to affect her. Actually it might be positive. It might show her that sick people deserve as much respect and are mostly as mentally normal as anyone else."  
  
"I don't think a child of one year will be able to pick that up" Monica pointed out.  
  
"I do. Wouldn't you miss her?"  
  
"Desperately…" Monica said.  
  
"Okay then…" Chandler said, putting his wine down. "Now come here, let's not worry about this anymore tonight. We can't do anything until tomorrow anyway, let's just go to bed and try to forget about it for now."  
  
Monica nodded, and realized she was trembling. She was frightened to death, and it scared her that there was nothing she nor Chandler could do about her illness. Her life was pretty much in the hands of doctors, and she'd never trusted doctors too much.  
  
Chandler pulled her into a hug and slowly rocked her back and forth, hoping she would stop trembling. He was scared too.  
  
*  
  
Monica held Regina in her arms and felt proud of herself for being able to keep the tears away. Phoebe was giving her a ride to the hospital, she would be there any minute. Joey, Ross and Rachel would come as well, but Chandler had decided to stay at home with Regina so she would have at least one parent at home. Ross's girlfriend Dana had offered to baby-sit, but in the end Chandler had chosen to stay at home. He would visit Monica the next day.  
  
Chandler and Monica had just tried to explain to Regina what was going on, but it was very hard to even know if she'd understood them. But she at least seemed to sense that Monica was going away, she had been very mommy-sick all day long.  
  
Chandler gave Monica a kiss on the cheek and stroke the hair from her face. Part of him wanted to go with her and help her feel better, but on the other hand she would have the other four there with her, and he didn't want to make Regina believe that both her parents were going away.  
  
"Mon?" Phoebe said, entering. "Are you ready to go?"  
  
Phoebe looked nervous, and she didn't really know what to say. She had no experience of what to say or do when one of her friends was seriously ill.  
  
Monica and Chandler rose and Chandler took Regina as Monica walked to the door. Joey and Ross had come with Phoebe and they grabbed Monica's two bags while Ross told Monica that Rachel was waiting in the cab.  
  
"Bye sweetie" Monica said, kissing her daughter on the cheek. "Mommy loves you." She gave Chandler a kiss as well and then she walked towards the door.  
  
"Mommy!" Regina started to cry out. "Mommy!"  
  
Chandler tried to calm her down, he knew she was upsetting Monica, but she wouldn't stop crying out for her mommy. Monica broke into tears and Phoebe grabbed her by the waist and led her out of the apartment, closing the door behind them.  
  
Chandler walked back and forth in the apartment, shushing his daughter and telling her that mommy would be back soon. His cheeks were wet from both his own and Regina's tears.  
  
*  
  
Monica sighed and looked down on her hands that lay on the yellow quilt on her bed. She was very uncomfortable being in a hospital bed. To her hospital beds represented death, since so many people died in them.  
  
Four of her friends were in the room with her. Her brother Ross was trying to figure out how to connect the TV to the VCR. Monica knew exactly how to do it, but she didn't feel like talking.  
  
Joey was sitting in a chair next to her, pretending to be looking through the CDs on her nightstand that Chandler had told her to bring in case she got bored. Monica knew that Joey was as uncomfortable in a hospital bed as she was, but at least he wasn't in this one.  
  
Rachel was hanging up her clothes in the small closet. She'd only brought one pair of jeans and one shirt except for what she had been wearing, plus socks and underwear, so there wasn't really too much to hang up. But Rachel seemed to want everything to hang in perfect order, and partly Monica appreciated it, since it showed her that Rachel knew that Monica would have made sure it was if she'd hung the clothes herself. But partly Monica couldn't care less about it at the moment. Who cared about weather or not her clothes hung straight or not? She sure didn't. Not when she had so much else to think of.  
  
Phoebe was looking out the window, straightening the curtains and moving around the plastic plants. She seemed distant.  
  
Monica looked up at them, and then back down again. She loved them all, and she was really thankful to have four so great friends who would be there for her. But she would have wanted them to be five. Five of her friends, six friends in total. The most important one wasn't there. She knew why he wasn't, and she knew it was better, but she missed him deeply. And she couldn't comprehend that for the first time in four years she would go to sleep without him. He wouldn't be there for her to say goodnight to.  
  
She also missed Regina, although that was different. Missing her daughter was different from missing her husband, and somehow it was easier to bare. Regina was still so small that she didn't really comprehend what was going on, and unlike her five friends she hadn't been there by Monica's side for so many years. She had only lived for a little more than one. Monica tried not to think of how her daughter had cried out for her when she'd left. She knew Regina called everything mommy, it was the only noun in her vocabulary, but it didn't help to think of it like that since she'd known that her daughter had cried out for HER.  
  
"You okay Mon?" Joey asked.  
  
"Peachy, just peachy…" Monica said, trying to hide her emotions. She wasn't really afraid right now, she was mostly depressed.  
  
'When I get out from here Regina will be saying a whole lot more nouns than just mommy…' she thought. 'She'll be a talking person. And she'll no longer be used to having me around in the regular life. If Chandler hires a nanny she'll probably see HER as mommy, or if he lets Phoebe or Rachel help him out…'  
  
"You know, Chandler's gonna be here all the time" Phoebe said, guessing what Monica was thinking and almost being right since she'd thought about it earlier. She sat down on the bedside. "He needed to stay with Regina tonight, she would be so disoriented if he didn't, but he's gonna spend a lot of time here every other day."  
  
"Only not as much as I'm used to spending with him" Monica pointed out. "He's got Gina to look after."  
  
"So he'll bring her!" Ross said. "Come on Monica, he's probably going to stop by with her almost every day. You'll get to see both him and Regina every single day."  
  
Monica smiled without being happy at all.  
  
"Ross, she won't be here every day. Maybe at first, but when I get really sick she's not going to come here a lot. I don't want my daughter to have to see her mother in that state."  
  
"So what if she does?" Phoebe asked. "She's a kid, she's probably mommy-sick. She'll be eager to see you."  
  
Monica bit her lower lip and decided to let the subject go.  
  
"Don't you worry Monica!" Rachel said, giving her a hug. "You'll be better soon and you'll be able to go home soon. The doctor even said you'd get to go home a few days in-between the treatments."  
  
"I wish I was home" Monica whispered.  
  
"I don't know if this makes you feel any better or not, but I can bet you a million dollars that your family would like you to be home too." Rachel said.  
  
"You guys are my family too" Monica said.  
  
"Not as much as the two at home" Phoebe said with a smile. "And you'll get to see them both tomorrow."  
  
*  
  
Chandler stared at the ceiling, unable to sleep. It was way past midnight and he was tired, but not tired enough to sleep. Next to him his daughter slept, hugging her mommy's pillow. Chandler wished he was able to hug her mother.  
  
He turned his head and looked at Regina, who was fast asleep with one thumb in her mouth. Her face was in a frown and her black hair that was just like her mothers, only a lot shorter, was spread out over the pillow, just like Monica's usually was. Chandler knew Regina had his smile, but when her face was serious she looked just like Monica. It was like having a little version of Monica sleeping next to him.  
  
Chandler was thankful that he had her. He wanted a constant reminder of his wife, and who would be better than a living one? He found some amount of comfort in knowing that whatever happened with Monica's cancer he would never truly loose her. As long as Regina was around he would always have part of Monica alive and in his life.  
  
Once she'd calmed down earlier during the night Regina had become very daddy-sick. It made Chandler feel nauseous, since it was as if she was afraid he would go somewhere too. He'd decided to let her sleep in his and Monica's bed instead of in her crib in the nursery, to make her feel better and also to comfort himself. He wasn't used to sleeping alone, hearing somebody else's breath in the darkness had become such a big part of his life that he needed to hear it to sleep.  
  
Chandler closed his eyes and turned his head back so that he would see the ceiling if he opened them again.  
  
'Mon, I wonder how you're doing…' he thought to himself, knowing that she was probably a lot worse than he was. 'Are you scared? Do you feel abandoned? You can't fall asleep either, can you?'  
  
It was only the first night and already he missed her like crazy. For as long back as he could remember them together, she'd mostly snuggled up to him in the night. She always said his shoulder was her favourite pillow, and she would drape her arm across his chest in sort of a hug. It was her favourite way of falling asleep in. Chandler usually let her drift off before he rolled her over, since he still needed his sleeping space, but he sometimes found himself missing her. Those nights he would roll over to her again and wrap his arm around her waist, snuggling close to her and trying not to wake her up. This night he would give anything to have her head resting on his shoulder and her arm wrapped around his chest. And he knew he wouldn't roll her away but hold her close and breathe in the scent of her hair, knowing that his life was like a dream. A dream which might quickly turn into a nightmare if things went wrong.  
  
'I'd give my all to have just one more night with you' he thought, remembering a song he'd never cared much for but that had been one of Rachel's favourites. 'I'd risk my life to feel your body next to mine, 'cause I can't go on living in the memory of our song. I'd give my all for your love tonight.'  
  
*  
  
Monica felt tired. She hadn't gotten much sleep the night before. It had been her first night in years sleeping alone in a room. But she managed to stay awake since she knew Chandler couldn't stay long. He was only stopping by on his way to work. He had about 10 minutes.  
  
"So how was your night?" he asked.  
  
"Yours was better" was all Monica said. Chandler gave her a crooked smile.  
  
"I've got some news for you" he said.  
  
"If it's bad news I'm gonna force them to give my first cell treatment to YOU instead of me" Monica threatened, but she knew her joke wasn't funny. Chandler only smiled at her crookedly, not commenting on her little threat.  
  
"You know, Christmas is only about 5 weeks away."  
  
"Wow that IS news" Monica said, slightly sarcastic.  
  
"I talked to your doctor when I ran into him in the hallway just now, and he says you can come home over Christmas."  
  
Monica's face lit up.  
  
"This will all be over so soon?" she said, her voice filled with joy, relief and hope.  
  
Chandler didn't dare to look at her. He hadn't seen her genuinely happy in a while and he didn't like having to make her sad again.  
  
"No, not exactly…" he said, and looked up at her. Her smile faded and her shoulders slumped. "But see honey," Chandler continued, "they're planning on making a pause in the treatment around January, and I managed to get the doctor to move it up to December. So you'll be home for about 12 days or so."  
  
Monica smiled, but only for Chandler's sake. She didn't want him to think she was ungrateful.  
  
Chandler rose and kissed her on the forehead.  
  
"I've gotta run" he said. "See you later!"  
  
*  
  
Monica woke up and noticed that the snow was falling outside her window. It was the second week of December, a little more than a week until she would get to go home for a while. And she couldn't wait.  
  
Regina was in Chandler's lap, eying the falling snow with wide eyes. She didn't remember the last time it had snowed, since she'd only been around 6 months old then. Chandler was looking out the window as well, pointing at the snow and whispering to Regina.  
  
Monica wondered when they had gotten here. She didn't know at what time she had fallen asleep. But each time she woke up and found Chandler there she was happy, especially if Regina was there too. There seemed to be someone present all the time with her these days. Once they had started her treatment her friends had made sure that there was always someone there with her so that she'd never have to feel lonely. But no matter how much she loved her friends it still couldn't compare to having her husband and daughter there.  
  
"Hey…" she said, almost whispering.  
  
Chandler turned his head and saw she was awake. He smiled slightly.  
  
"Look who's awake, Regina!" he said and rose. He walked over to Monica's bed and sat down, handing Monica her daughter.  
  
"Hi little one…" Monica said, hugging Regina. "I've missed you since the last time you were here…"  
  
"Not as much as she's missed you" Chandler said with a smile. "You've never seen a mommy-sick child until you've seen Regina when she wants to see you."  
  
Monica smiled and hugged her daughter again.  
  
"Mommy" Regina said, and waved with her bunny.  
  
"Careful now…" Chandler said. "You don't want to hit mommy in the face with the bunny."  
  
"Come here Chandler…" Monica said and pulled him closer for a hug. "I've missed you too, you know."  
  
"Good" Chandler said with a smile. "Because you should."  
  
"I know" Monica said with a small laugh.  
  
"So how do you feel?"  
  
"Pretty bad… I threw up twice before I went to sleep…"  
  
Chandler made a sad face and stroke her forehead.  
  
"Hopefully you'll feel better at Christmas honey" he said. "When you're on a break from the treatment."  
  
He picked Regina up and put her down on the floor. She started to walk around in the room, examining it from a child's eyes.  
  
"She walks much better now…" Monica said, slightly melancholy. "I've only been here for about a month but I've still missed a lot."  
  
"She's learned a new noun too" Chandler said.  
  
"Which is it?"  
  
Chandler smiled.  
  
"Well I had hoped for a 'daddy', but actually it's 'sandwich'."  
  
Monica laughed slightly.  
  
"Joey's been babysitting?"  
  
"Uh-hu."  
  
Monica looked at her daughter and wondered how much else she would miss before she got out from the hospital.  
  
"Does she say anything else?"  
  
"Well, her amount of verbs has always been large… and this week she added 'play' and 'jump'."  
  
"Play and jump…" Monica said, thoughtfully.  
  
Chandler leaned in and kissed her on the mouth.  
  
"Don't give me that melancholy look" he said. "You'll be out of here before you know it. And you're gonna get to hear her learn so many new words that you're gonna wish you were back to this stage."  
  
Monica chuckled.  
  
"And by the way…" Chandler continued. "Guess what Ross is getting you for Christmas."  
  
"A new body?" Monica said sarcastically.  
  
"Nope, pretty close."  
  
"Pretty close?"  
  
"Yeah. Whoa, wait a second!"  
  
Chandler hurried out of his chair and chased after Regina, who had figured out what the knob on the door was for and decided to take a stroll in the corridor. He returned after a few seconds and sat down, this time with Regina in his arms.  
  
"Okay, where was I?" he asked, then remembered. "Right. He's giving you some bone marrow. You know, for after the treatment. He turned out to be a match, luckily enough."  
  
"Then I hope you'll get me something romantic…" Monica said with a slight smile. "Something I can be guaranteed to be able to use."  
  
"Oh. So that means no male deodorant then."  
  
Monica rolled her eyes at the lame joke.  
  
  
So review please. Tell me what you think of it. 


	2. Always2

Always, 2  
  
  
INTRODUCTION: Well, as any idiot would realize, it's the 2nd part of totally 13 (14 if you count the epilogue) in this series. If you haven't read part1 then I'm kinda' curious why you're gonna read this fic, and I'd advice you to read part1 first... :)! Oh, and I would like to point out that I was 17 when I wrote this and I'm not exactly in med school, so if some of the medical stuff makes no sense then it's really no wonder...  
DISCLAIMER: The "Friends" characters belong to Bright, Kauffman and Crane.  
  
  
Monica put a completely exhausted Regina to bed and went out to the living room where Chandler sat on the couch. He had a cup of glögg in his hand and he had one for her on the table. The apartment was decorated for Christmas, and Monica felt overjoyed to be back home, even if it only was for a week and a half.  
  
She sat down next to Chandler and he handed her her cup. She rewarded him with a kiss on the lips. Then they both sat back on the couch and stared on the TV set as if it was an open fire, both feeling that they didn't need to say anything at the moment.  
  
"So how do you feel?" Chandler finally asked, sipping his glögg.  
  
"I'm fine" Monica said. She smiled slightly. "It's amazing what a little change of environment can do."  
  
"There's no place like home" Chandler said with a nod. "And it's not really home when you're away."  
  
Monica smiled slightly and put her cup down. She looked around in the room and felt happier than she'd felt in a long time. Her room in the hospital was so depressing, being back home again was the best thing she could have gotten for Christmas.  
  
"It's so great to have you back home for a few weeks" Chandler said, sharing her thoughts. "You're mine and Regina's favourite present this year."  
  
Monica smiled at him and told him she had thought something similar herself. Chandler smiled and gave her a kiss. Then he finished his glögg and started chewing on an almond that was left in his cup.  
  
"You know something that's strange?" Monica asked, and continued without waiting for a reply. "I don't feel as sick here as I do in the hospital, even though I'm not better at all."  
  
"You get sicker from the treatment than you get from the disease itself." Chandler told her. "At least the treatment makes you FEEL a lot sicker."  
  
"That's one of the reasons why I always feel so bad there" Monica said thoughtfully. "I know it's the treatment that mostly makes me throw up and makes me feel like I do… And even though it's to save my life it's not making it any easier right now. It makes it kinda' hard to trust the doctors and feel comfortable in the hospital."  
  
"Why don't you look at it this way…" Chandler said, filling up his cup again and throwing some raisins in the cup. "It's more important that you're alive a year from now than that you feel better than you do right now. The treatment is worth it."  
  
"Yes, but what if it's not?" Monica asked, sipping from her cup. "I mean, what if this treatment is all in vain? What if, what if… What if I die, Chandler?"  
  
Chandler frowned. He hated to think about it.  
  
"I mean, then I've had NOTHING in return for putting up with this. Without the treatment it would have been a lot easier, I'm sure!"  
  
"Your reward would be knowing that at least you tried!" Chandler said. "How would you feel on your deathbed knowing that you might have survived if you'd agreed on going through the treatment? How would you feel knowing you'd given up on your life? And how do you think *I* would feel?"  
  
Monica said nothing for a while. She knew he was a bit upset now, and the last thing she wanted to do was to fight. She only had ten days with him at home and she wanted to make the most out of them.  
  
Chandler was also quiet. He'd said a bit more than he'd intended to, but she was scaring him now. He'd always believed in her inner strength and her fighting spirit. He couldn't take her giving up just like that.  
  
He finished his second cup and then rose to clean the table. Monica sat back on the couch and finished her cup slowly. She tried to think of something to say to make the mood less uncomfortable. She didn't want to go to sleep if he was annoyed or upset with her. She wanted to go to sleep and snuggle close to him and to realize just how lucky she was right now.  
  
Chandler grabbed her cup and washed it along with the other dishes. Then he went back to the couch and sat down with Monica again, but neither of them said anything. Chandler looked at the time and saw that it was quite late, and they should be heading for bed soon. Knowing Regina they wouldn't get to sleep to any later hours than six in the morning.  
  
"Come on" he said, rising. He reached out his hand to her and pulled her to her feet. "Let's call it a night now, okay?"  
  
*  
  
When she'd gotten into bed Monica just couldn't resist. She rolled over to Chandler's side and softly placed her head on his shoulder and her arm across his chest. She sighed in contentment and breathed in the scent from his warm skin.  
  
"You're starting to scare me Monica" she heard him say. "When you say things like what you said earlier you scare me!"  
  
"What do you mean?" Monica asked.  
  
"You're a fighter and you're a survivor. I can't believe that you seem to be doubting that yourself! You CAN'T give up, especially not this soon, do you understand me Monica?" Chandler said forcefully.  
  
"I don't want to give up, but you have no idea what this is like!" she defended herself.  
  
"Of course I don't!" Chandler replied. "How could I possibly know what you were going through? But YOU don't have any idea what it's like to see someone you love so much being sick! It breaks my heart, Mon. And when you talk about giving up after just a month I get scared! I'm scared to death! Don't you realize that you've gotta fight? If you leave it all up to the doctors you're not gonna live to see next Christmas!"  
  
Monica rolled away from him.  
  
"Mon, I'm sorry..." Chandler said, regretting his words. "I, I didn't mean it like that!"  
  
"Leave me alone!" Monica said, turning her back against him and feeling very sorry for herself.  
  
Chandler looked at her and felt sad. He had her back for just a few days, and he didn't want to waste them. But now he would have to spend at least one of them without holding her in his arms. He felt like biting his tongue off for saying what he had said. The last part had been very unnecessary.  
  
*  
  
"So…" Chandler said the next morning, sitting down by the kitchen table where Monica was feeding Regina. "Are we going to spend this Christmas being on bad terms with each other, or are we going to make the most of it? I'm really sorry about last night."  
  
"I overreacted" Monica said.  
  
"Well, I don't blame you" Chandler said. "I was way out of line."  
  
"Be that as it may, we don't need to get hung up on that. I think we should try not to fight and to make the most out of this week and a half."  
  
Chandler smiled and kissed her forehead.  
  
"That was just the answer I was hoping for."  
  
"By the way…" Monica said. "Regina said another word just about two minutes ago, when you were in the shower."  
  
"Was it 'daddy'?" Chandler asked hopefully.  
  
"No" Monica said with a chuckle, shaking her head. "It was 'spoon'."  
  
"Hey, who's side are you on?" Chandler accusingly said to Regina, then he laughed to show he was only joking. "So how are you feeling Mon?"  
  
"Sick, as usual" Monica said. "But not TOO sick. It's kind of like having a cold… Only my throat and my nose is okay."  
  
Chandler rose and started to fry eggs. Joey, who always seemed to be able to smell food cooking, entered and declared that he would like something to eat.  
  
"Joey, you've got a full fridge right across the hall" Monica pointed out.  
  
"I know, but it's full of Rachel's gross protein food."  
  
"Protein food?" Chandler echoed.  
  
"Yeah. Vegetables and things like that. She insists on drinking carrot juice every morning." Joey looked disgusted.  
  
"You know, I did that almost every day when I was pregnant" Monica said with a laugh.  
  
"And I was scared" Chandler added with a sarcastic smile.  
  
"So what's for breakfast?" Joey said, sitting down. "Just eggs?"  
  
"You're gonna have to fry 'em yourself, Joe…" Chandler said, putting a plate of eggs in front of Monica. "Mon and I are going out shopping as soon as we're done eating. And since you were the first one to show up this morning you're gonna get the glorious honour of baby-sitting."  
  
*  
  
Chandler soon started wondering if going shopping had been such a good idea. They'd only been to three outlets and Monica was already looking tired and exhausted.  
  
"Hey Mon, what do you say we go have some lunch?" Chandler suggested, hoping that some food would make her feel better.  
  
"Sure…" Monica said, shrugging her shoulders. "I'm not that hungry, though."  
  
"I am" Chandler lied, and dragged her with him to the nearest fast-food restaurant.  
  
"It's strange how much you can miss pepperoni pizza…" Monica mused shortly after when they'd gotten their food.  
  
"Maybe that's because hospital food is gross."  
  
"Maybe." Monica rolled her eyes. "With any luck they'll be feeding me intravenously soon."  
  
Chandler chuckled and rolled his eyes as well.  
  
"Until they do I could start smuggling pizza and hamburgers with me each time I come. You know, hide it Regina's little bag or something. They'll never suspect a child for such a serious crime."  
  
Monica chuckled again and took another slice.  
  
"You don't think they'll be able to smell it?" she asked.  
  
"I'll claim it's some new after shave I'm using." Chandler said, pretending to be dead serious.  
  
Monica smiled half-heartedly and then made a face. Chandler eyed her, she knew he did, so she smiled again and reached for another slice. But as soon as she'd started eating on it she realized she wasn't the least bit hungry. In fact she was nauseous. And her headache wouldn't faze out, even though she'd taken a pain pill that morning.  
  
"You okay there, Mon?" Chandler asked.  
  
"Fine" Monica assured him, though neither of them bought it.  
  
"You… gonna eat that?" Chandler asked, gesturing to the pizza slice in her hand.  
  
"Oh honey, I don't think I want to…" Monica said, feeling like a child who didn't want to finish supper.  
  
Chandler said nothing, he just reached over the table, grabbed the slice and finished it off himself.  
  
"You know, maybe we should head back home" Monica said, not looking at him. She knew he'd looked forward to spending the day with her, out shopping, but she didn't want to be anywhere else than home right now.  
  
"Okay…" Chandler agreed. "Just let me finish eating, okay?"  
  
Monica gave him a smile and hoped he'd eat up his lunch soon.  
  
*  
  
"Monica…" Chandler said, sitting down next to Monica on their bed. Monica looked up from the book she was reading.  
  
"What's up?" she asked.  
  
"How are you feeling?"  
  
Monica felt a little annoyed. She didn't want people to constantly ask her how she was doing. She'd been home for three days now, and she'd gotten the questions far more times than she'd wanted. But she saw the look in Chandler's eyes, and she felt sorry for him. He looked very concerned and she saw a lot of love in his eyes.  
  
"I…" she began, but realized she didn't know what to tell him. "Chandler that's relative" she said. "Giving the circumstances I'm just fine… But if I'd been well I would've told you differently."  
  
"Head aches?" Chandler asked.  
  
"And some nausea."  
  
"It'll pass…" Chandler said with a smile, and placed his hand on her forehead. "You feel a little warm, but if you've got a fever it's not a high one."  
  
Monica smiled slightly, and went back to her book.  
  
Chandler eyed her discreetly. He wished she would talk to him, open up a little. She seemed to want to hide all of her emotions inside, and that worried Chandler. He knew what great affect psychic well-being had on physical health, and if she would vent her worries and her pain it would make it easier for her.  
  
'I don't understand why she feels she has to keep it all to herself' Chandler thought. 'Not when she's got so many people here that she can talk to.'  
  
"Did you want anything else?" Monica asked, looking up from her book.  
  
"Well, this is my bedroom too…" Chandler said. "I just felt like hanging out here."  
  
"Practically sitting on me?" Monica asked with a raised eyebrow. Then she laughed and kissed him on the forehead. "Not that I mind, but it might get a little tight on space…"  
  
Chandler smiled and kissed her back.  
  
"Scoot!" he said.  
  
"Okay…" Monica replied, scooting over on the bed. Chandler lay down next to her on the side she'd been on earlier.  
  
"Oh, and get rid of the book!" Chandler said.  
  
"Excuse me, I'm reading!" Monica said, pretending to be offended.  
  
"Honey, you've read 'The Tommyknockers' about three times already. Just in the past months. You should know the dialogue by heart by now!"  
  
Before she could reply Chandler leaned over and snatched the book. He threw it on the floor and gave her a kiss.  
  
"Now how about you devote a little time to me, huh?" he said.  
  
"Hey Chandler, where's Regina?" Monica asked.  
  
"Do you always answer a question with a question?" Chandler joked.  
  
"Do you actually know where she is?"  
  
"Of course I do, sweetie!" Chandler said, almost offended. "She's with Phoebs in the living room, playing with Lego."  
  
"It's past her bedtime" Monica pointed out. "She should be in bed by eight. And it's almost nine."  
  
Chandler sighed and got out of bed. He went out in the living room to get Regina ready for bed.  
  
Monica followed shortly after, having put 'The Tommyknockers' away carefully before she went out in the living room. She sat down with Phoebe for a while, talking on the couch, before Chandler exited the bathroom with Regina.  
  
"Okay, say goodnight to mamma and goodnight to Phoebe" he said. "And while you're at it, say goodbye to me too. DADDY." The last word was said instructionally.  
  
"Mommy!" Regina said.  
  
"I think my daughter hates me" Chandler said to the women on the couch, rolling his eyes.  
  
Monica laughed and took Regina from Chandler, carrying her into the nursery. Chandler slumped in the couch next to Phoebe.  
  
"You know…" Phoebe said, "today is December 24th, you've got your wife home for a little more than a week from today, and yet you look like it's the day before the earth perishes."  
  
Chandler gave her a look.  
  
"Phoebs, can't I have a rough day anyway?"  
  
"I figured you'd be too thrilled to have time with anything like that!" Phoebe commented.  
  
"I am thrilled!" Chandler said. "But I'm also scared. I mean, you know how I feel about Mon! Seeing her like this isn't exactly a picnic. And it's not just the physical disease, it's… well… She's acting a bit differently."  
  
"Chemotherapy?" Phoebe suggested.  
  
"No, I don't think it's the treatment…" Chandler said. "But it's like she's given up. Or like she's about to give up. And she knows I'd react, well, badly to say the least if she gave up. And it's like she's trying to hide it from me. But she knows she can't 'cause we know each other too well, so it's as if she…"  
  
"As if she what?" Phoebe asked.  
  
"Well, it's kinda' as if she wants to keep me on a distance or something."  
  
Phoebe opened her mouth to reply, but Monica exited the nursery so she couldn't.  
  
"She went to sleep fast, huh?" Phoebe said, rising. "Goodnight, you two!"  
  
"Goodnight!" Monica said as Phoebe left. She turned to Chandler. "What do you say Bing, should we call it a night too? I'm kinda' tired."  
  
"I'll be right there" Chandler assured her.  
  
*  
  
Monica yawned and stretched out in bed, even though doing so made her whole body ache. Chandler smiled slightly and lay down next to her.  
  
"I'm telling ya'…" Monica said. "Nothing's as nice as getting to go to bed in your own bed with your hubby."  
  
Chandler shook his head, chuckling.  
  
"Y'know, I never expected to be called 'hubby'…" he said.  
  
"Well, I thought I'd get back at you for calling me 'the Mrs.'" Monica said.  
  
Chandler made a face and turned the lights off. Monica rolled over and put her arm around him.  
  
"I'm gonna miss having you as a pillow when I go back to the hospital…" she mumbled.  
  
"Yeah, I bet it's hard to sleep without your head resting on something hard and bony" Chandler sarcastically said, placing a kiss on her head.  
  
"Well the hospital pillows smell so… hospital-y!" Monica said, sounding tired. "I prefer it when it smells--"  
  
"Chandler-y?"  
  
"Yeah" Monica said with a chuckle.  
  
"I know you must hate me asking this all the time, but are you feeling all right?"  
  
"Yeah… I feel better now than I did earlier. I don't feel so nauseous… And it looks like the pain pill's finally starting to work."  
  
"That's good" Chandler said, kissing her on the head again.  
  
"Very good…" Monica mumbled, and returned the kiss, only kissing him on the shoulder instead of the head. She kissed him on the neck and breathed in his scent. "They should put this smell on a bottle" she mumbled.  
  
"Who'd ever buy that?" Chandler asked with a frown.  
  
"I would."  
  
Chandler held back a comment. He slowly stroke her hair with his right hand, and her back with his left.  
  
"Just stay away from the small of my back, okay?" Monica mumbled. "That part hurts."  
  
"That's 'cause that's where you're sick."  
  
Monica looked up at him, all of a sudden with tears in her eyes.  
  
"Chandler I don't wanna be sick!" she said, starting to cry.  
  
"I know honey, I know…" Chandler whispered and kissed her on the forehead. "I'd trade with you in a second, just so you wouldn't have to go through it."  
  
Monica cried harder at that comment, instead of calming down like Chandler had hoped.  
  
"Easy, girl…" he whispered and kissed her on the nose. Then he dried off her tears and kissed her on the lips.  
  
Monica kissed him back, hungrily. Chandler stuck his tongue in her mouth, and Monica happily let him. It had the same affect on her as a pacifier had had on Regina when she was an infant, it made her slowly stop crying.  
  
Chandler ended the kiss when she stopped crying, and smiled at her.  
  
"I guess it's true that actions are better than words" he joked.  
  
Monica rolled her eyes and kissed him again. She allowed herself to really sink into the kiss, knowing that they wouldn't get to kiss like this for weeks or even months as soon as she was back at the hospital.  
  
Chandler let his hands slide under her t-shirt, carefully. He was very unsure of weather or not she'd want to have sex or make out more seriously, or even if she should be doing it or not.  
  
"Mon, is this okay with you, or should we let this end at some kisses?" he mumbled with his lips by hers.  
  
She answered by slipping her hand into his boxers.  
  
"I LOVE it when we let actions speak for us…" Chandler said with a slight giggle, and pulled her t-shirt off. "But I have to admit that the words aren't always too bad either."  
  
"I love you" Monica whispered in his ear.  
  
"That is a clear example of when the words are great!" Chandler replied, and kissed her on the neck. "I love you too, Monica."  
  
"I know you do."  
  
*  
  
Monica sat up in bed, couching. Chandler woke up with a start, and turned to her.  
  
"Honey? Honey what's going on? Are you all right?" he asked.  
  
Monica shook her head. She couldn't talk for the couch attack.  
  
"Honey!" Chandler exclaimed. He sat up and scooted closer to her, casting a glance on the clock. It was around four am. He reached down to the foot of the bed and grabbed her t-shirt, pulling it over her head. Then he put his boxers back on. The whole time Monica was couching.  
  
"How come you're coughing, this can't be good!" Chandler said, scared. "You're not supposed to cough as a result of the treatment or the disease, are you?"  
  
Monica shrugged her shoulders, and her coughing ceased. She took a deep breath since she hadn't been able to breathe while she was coughing, but the deep inhalation started another cough attack.  
  
Chandler was getting more and more scared. He put his arm around her, not knowing what to do to help her. Monica all of a sudden got out of bed, and hurried for the door. Chandler hurried after her.  
  
Monica ran into the bathroom, where the couch attack made her throw up.  
  
"My gosh, you haven't come down with whooping cough, have you?" he asked, feeling his heart beating heavily in his chest.  
  
"Had it" Monica croaked. She couched again, but this time it wasn't a whole series of coughs.  
  
Chandler reached over to one of the mugs she kept in the bathroom and filled it with water, handing it to her.  
  
"Here, drink this."  
  
She greedily drank the water and Chandler filled it up for her again. She finished four mugs before she coughed again.  
  
"Thanks" she said, handing the mug back to Chandler. She whipped the water from her mouth.  
  
"You okay now?" he asked, trying to get his heart to slow down to it's normal pace.  
  
"I'll be all right."  
  
"No more coughing?"  
  
"How should I know?" Monica walked towards the door. "If I start coughing again maybe I can borrow your tongue again… sucking on something helps."  
  
"Then let me suggest you suck on a mint" Chandler said. "I might have germs that I spread to you."  
  
"Chandler we had sex tonight, what germs that you have can you possibly give me, than those you already have?" Monica replied, walking back to the bedroom.  
  
Chandler took a deep breath and drank a mug full of water himself. He all of a sudden felt very guilty for sleeping with her earlier on. What had he been thinking? He knew her immunise system was down, he shouldn't risk passing things on to her. And he couldn't help but wonder if her cough attacks was a result of something he'd passed over to her.  
  
He walked back into the bedroom, where Monica was under the covers, trying to get warm.  
  
"You cold?" Chandler asked, concerned.  
  
"A little… Come warm me!"  
  
Chandler got into bed and pulled her close. He could feel goose bumps on her arms and started to rub them.  
  
"I'm so tired…" Monica said, sounding like she was about to cry. "And I'm so tired of feeling like this… I can never find a comfortable position to lay in, I feel so weak… And yet this is just part one."  
  
Chandler was quiet.  
  
"Chandler why do I feel like this? Why do I still feel nauseous, they've taken a rest with the treatment!"  
  
"Honey it takes a while for heavy medication to get out of your system…" Chandler said.  
  
Monica kept quiet. She realized she was probably sounding very whiny, and she didn't want Chandler to get sick of listening to her. She had never before felt sorry for herself, it wasn't her style. But she did now, and that made things even more difficult for her.  
  
"Actually, you know what?" Chandler asked. "It's pretty unusual from what I understand that you feel like this after just the first round of treatments. Most people don't start feeling bad until after at least a few!"  
  
"How delightful" Monica said, still shivering. She wasn't the least bit encouraged by that. She knew he might have been out to make her feel a little better, in some weird way, but right now she didn't feel like being nice to him by pretending that he'd succeeded. She was getting tired of his comments and his worried questions. And right now all she wanted to do was go to sleep, and that made her feel tired of him in general. But he was trying to warm her up, she'd asked him to, so she couldn't roll away from him.  
  
A tear fell down her cheek, and she hoped he wouldn't notice. She was too tired to make up an excuse for it, and she was way too tired to be comforted. She found herself wishing she could be all by herself and cry without anyone trying to comfort.  
  
She realized that she hadn't been alone for more than an hour or two since she got admitted to the hospital. One of her friends had always been there with her, and she appreciated it. Most of the time she wanted someone to be there with her, someone to cheer her up and to keep her mind off things. If she was alone she'd probably just start to feel sorry for herself, but she didn't have time to think about stuff like that when her friends were around. And having Chandler there was always the best. Every time she opened her eyes after sleeping she hoped she'd see him in her room. And each time she fell asleep when he was there she hoped he would still be there when she woke up. But tonight all she wanted to do was get out of their bed and go find some place where she could sleep by herself.  
  
Chandler noticed she was a bit warmer now and stopped rubbing her arms. He put his arms around her chest in a hug instead and kissed the back of her head. Then he let out a deep sigh and stared on the ceiling. He could feel her shiver a little, but he didn't realize that it was the repressed tears that made her do so, not the fact that she was a little cold.  
  
*  
  
The next day was Christmas Day. Monica made an effort to be cheerful, merry and to have fun. The first few hours it was easy, but as the day went along it got harder.  
  
The gang had decided to exchange gifts in the evening instead of the morning, so Monica knew she had to stick around until evening before she could excuse herself by saying she was tired. She didn't feel very well and she had three more cough attacks. She saw the fear in Chandler's eyes each time, and she felt thankful when he came and sat by her when she started to couch. She ended up throwing up because of the coughs once, and she saw in the corner of her eye when she hurried to the bathroom that Chandler dropped the plate he was drying and followed with her. She didn't exactly know why he came with her at first. Then she heard him sit down, and she felt his hand stroking her back.  
  
"Poor thing…" he said quietly. "Poor, poor thing…"  
  
Monica felt oddly comforted by his small words. Last night it would have annoyed her, but now it only felt like a relief to hear him.  
  
When she'd thrown up she turned to him and they hugged each other, slowly rocking.  
  
"I love you" Monica whispered. "Thank you for being there."  
  
But most of the time Monica sat on the couch with Regina in her arms. Regina wasn't as frisky as usual, she nicely sat in her mother's lap and watched cartoons. Disney's "From all of us to all of you a Very Merry Christmas" was on, and she seemed completely amazed by the bits from some of Disney's movies and some of the old classic Donald, Mickey, Pluto, Goofy and Chip and Dale cartoons. Monica watched too, but with less enthusiasm.  
  
Joey and Phoebe joined them, not saying much. They thought Monica was awfully quiet, and her couch attack after dinner that lead to her throwing up had made them feel uncomfortable. They cast a glance at Chandler, who was acting like normal, and came to the conclusion that nothing serious could be the matter.  
  
Chandler sat down next to Monica once he and Ross had finished doing the dishes, and lifted Regina over to his lap instead. The Disney show was over, and Phoebe had popped "It's a Wonderful Life" in the VCR  
  
After the movie they decided to open the presents. Rachel declared that since Monica looked so tired it would be best to hand out the presents now, so Monica could go rest later if she liked.  
  
Monica smiled slightly and wanted to come with a sarcastic remark on how Rachel probably just wanted her presents as fast as possible, but realized she was too tired. Regina crawled back into her lap again, and she kissed the child on the head and started rocking her slowly.  
  
"You wanna get your presents now, sweetie?" she asked, trying to sound more awake than she was.  
  
"I want presents" Regina said, waving her bunny around.  
  
Everybody stopped what they were doing, realizing that she formed her first real sentence.  
  
"Where's a camera when you need one?" Joey said, while Monica and Chandler gave Regina kisses and hugs and told her she was a good girl, while Regina excitedly waved her bunny and lost grip of it.  
  
"Whoa, easy there, we wouldn't wanna loose Mr. Bunny" Phoebe said and picked up the stuffed animal that had landed next to her. She handed it to Chandler, who placed it next to him on the couch.  
  
Monica felt that the whole Christmas gift deal was done with forced cheerfulness. It was almost as if the others were too happy and merry for it to make any sense. She glanced at her wrist watch and hoped it would be over soon. The joy she had felt over being back home had soon vanished and been replaced by sorrow. She was still glad to be back home, but now she'd realized that no matter where she went right now, she would still feel very sick. She couldn't escape the disease and she couldn't escape the treatment and she couldn't escape the consequences. The only thing she had a chance of escaping was death.  
  
She kissed the top of Regina's head lovingly and felt thankful she was holding her daughter this Christmas. And she was thankful that her husband sat next to her on the couch, giving her all of his wordless support and love. And she was thankful that her brother was sitting on the floor where the table had been. It was now moved away to make more room during Christmas Day. She was thankful that she had such a great connection with Ross, she loved him very much. And she was thankful for her three close friends who were there with her.  
  
'Gosh, this feels more like Thanksgiving' she thought, and took the present Joey was handing her.  
  
"This is for you, Gina" she said to her daughter, who seemed most interested in the strings that were around some of the presents. "Maybe your daddy will open it for you."  
  
Chandler took the present, giving Monica a kiss on the cheek.  
  
"This the one you got her?" he asked.  
  
"Uh-hu."  
  
Chandler opened the present and handed Regina a new stuffed animal.  
  
"You know who this is?" he asked.  
  
"It's Dumbo" Monica told her, and Regina grabbed it by it's ears and seemed to be pretending that it was flying.  
  
"Maybe she recognizes him!" Rachel said with a smile. "I watched 'Dumbo' with her just about a week ago!"  
  
"Umbo!" Regina said.  
  
*  
  
Once the others had left Chandler cleaned up the last boxes lying around. He picked up Regina's bunny from the couch.  
  
"Looks like Mr. Bunny comes in second tonight" he remarked, and walked into the bedroom where Monica was putting Regina down for the night. She was hugging her Dumbo, already asleep, and Chandler carefully put the bunny down next to her.  
  
Monica and Chandler walked out to the living room and sat down on the couch.  
  
"Mon, I need to talk to you for a sec" Chandler said. Monica nodded. "Forgive me for bringing this up all the time, but you seem to be very ill. Even given your situation. You don't look so hot at all!"  
  
"I don't feel very hot either…" Monica said, looking down on her socks. "Except for on my forehead…"  
  
Chandler looked at her sadly.  
  
"Honey, I've gotta ask… Would you like to make this visit short? And return to the hospital earlier?"  
  
"Yes" Monica said, in a squeaky voice as she started to cry. "Yes, I would like that… I can't kid myself Chandler, I'd be much better off there where I at least know I'm doing something about this!"  
  
Chandler pulled her into a hug and let her cry. Hopefully it would do her good to shed some tears. He tried to keep his own at bay. He wanted her to stay, he wanted so desperately to have her at home for another week, but he knew she wanted to go back to the hospital. And her wish was his command. He sighed in a shiver and pulled her closer.  
  
"Happy Christmas honey."  
  
"Merry Christmas Chandler…"  
  
  
Review please... I'm always curious to know what people think... 


	3. Always3

Always, 3  
  
  
INTRODUCTION: Part 3. Nothing more to say about this part, I guess... Just that as I said in the previous fic, I'm not exactly a MD, so if some of the medical stuff makes no sense then please have indulgence with me and the incorrect facts...  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the "Friends" characters this time either.  
  
  
Monica opened her eyes, her eyelids feeling heavy. Her head felt just as heavy.  
  
'What a way to spend tonight' she thought. 'Happy new year, Monica.'  
  
To top it all off she was alone. No one was in her room. It rarely happened, but when it did she usually welcomed the moments of alone time. She needed them to clear her mind and to get to just think about herself and nothing else. But right now she felt lonely. She glanced at the chair next to the bed.  
  
'Why aren't you in it?' she asked him in her thoughts. 'I knew you said Regina had come down with a cold, so you had to be at home with her, but…'  
  
She shook her head and tried not to cry. The head shake had made her head ache incredibly and she didn't want to waste her strength on tears.  
  
"Damn it!" she exclaimed, hitting the blanket with her fist in frustration. "Damn it why can't you be here?"  
  
She knew perfectly well why he couldn't be there. He'd gotten stuck with either leaving Regina with the others over New Years or to leave Monica alone. And she knew how strong his principals were about responsibility over your children. This was the first time in her life that Regina was sick, and to top it all off it was New Years Eve. He couldn't bring her because of the risk that Monica would catch her cold. Her immunise system was down and both Chandler and Monica knew that most cancer patients died from other diseases that they got while being sick, that their body couldn't fight because of their disease and treatment.  
  
Monica glanced on the clock on the wall. It was around nine. She wished with all of her heart that she'd stayed at home with them. But she knew that going back here probably saved her life since she probably would have caught Regina's cold otherwise. Luckily enough Chandler hadn't caught it so he could pass it on to her.  
  
Monica closed her eyes and fell asleep again.  
  
*  
  
"Not that I don't think you're pretty when you sleep…" Chandler's voice said, waking her up "But you might wanna open those eyes unless you plan on missing the ball dropping."  
  
Monica opened her eyes in surprise and saw Chandler right next to her, filling a glass of champagne while he was talking. He continued to talk without looking up at her, concentrating on what he was doing with his hands.  
  
"After all, if you slept through midnight there would be little point of me being here to celebrate it with you, wouldn't it? I know you can't have champagne, by the way, but a glass of pommac might perhaps interest you?"  
  
Monica smiled widely.  
  
"I can't believe you're here!" she said, her voice filled with love and joy.  
  
Finally Chandler looked up at her.  
  
"Where else would I be? In Europe they've already celebrated and there's no time to fly to Los Angeles to celebrate it there. Don't ask me why I would want to do THAT, but you get what I mean." He handed her the glass without the champagne in it.  
  
"Yes, but Regina…" Monica said, accepting the glass, astounded.  
  
"What about Regina?"  
  
"She's sick!"  
  
"So are you, if I remember it correctly."  
  
"Yes, but…" Monica didn't really know what to say. "But she needs you!"  
  
"I was actually hoping you needed me too."  
  
"Of course I do!" Monica said, smiling at him. "But this makes no sense to me, I thought you said you were staying at home for Regina's sake."  
  
"What, you think I just left her in her play pin and went over here?"  
  
"Chandler she HAS no play pin."  
  
"She got one from your parents this Christmas, remember?"  
  
Monica made a frustrated noise and nearly jammed her fist on the quilt again. In the last second she remembered the glass in her hand.  
  
'What is WRONG with me?' she thought.  
  
"Your memory a bit blurry?" Chandler asked. "Well don't worry, your body's got better things to think about than weather or not our daughter has a play pin. Anyway…"  
  
Monica listened only with one ear to his story about what him and the gang had done earlier that evening. She was busy thinking of how he managed to keep her mind off her worries. He seemed to have finally found a use for his ability to talk fast and a lot.  
  
"Mon, you listening?" he asked. Without waiting for an answer he took her hand and went on talking. "Regina seemed to be doing better, which is good, poor little thing is sca--" He interrupted himself.  
  
"She's what?" Monica asked.  
  
Chandler gave her a crooked, quite awkward smile. How could he be so stupid? He'd almost told her that their daughter was scared to death since she'd never been sick before so she assumed she'd be as sick as her mommy or even die. It wasn't something Monica needed to hear.  
  
"She's started to cough" he said instead. "I assume she's more like me than you, I always cough at the end of my colds, while you cough… well… quite often when you've got colds."  
  
Chandler knew he was babbling along.  
  
'Be careful!' he thought. 'Make sure you don't let any frogs leap out this time.'  
  
"So anyway," he continued, "I put her to sleep early, around half past eight, and she really looks like she's gonna sleep until seven or eight tomorrow morning. And I figured I couldn't do more for her at the moment, so I told the others to guard her with their lives, sort of, and then I came over here. The perfect solution. I get to spend New Years with both my girls."  
  
He kissed her on the cheek and hoped he was done talking. He felt he might say something else stupid if he continued.  
  
"Oh god, thank you so much…" Monica said, burying her face in his neck and putting her arms around him.  
  
Chandler carefully took her glass from her and sat it down on her nightstand, carefully making sure he knew which glass was which, and then hugged her back.  
  
"Wow babe… you make it seem as if I've granted you an audience with the pope or something."  
  
"I'm not a catholic" Monica responded, and giggled slightly together with Chandler. "Oh I was so sad when I woke up earlier tonight and found that no one was here… I just wanted to see your face or hear your voice… I was planning on calling you, but then I somehow fell asleep again and then I wake up and here you are."  
  
"Telepathy" Chandler suggested, only half kidding.  
  
"Thank you, I love you…" Monica said and kissed him on the cheek.  
  
"Here, take your glass" Chandler said and reached for one of the glasses, handing it to her. He took the other one and clinked it against hers. "Cheers and happy new year, my love."  
  
"Already?" Monica said with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"Yeah. My watch is two minutes past, actually. I got here pretty much with only a few minutes to spare."  
  
"Okay, then cheers!" Monica said, taking a sip from her glass.  
  
"Here's to a year much better than the one we're leaving behind" Chandler said, raising his glass as to make a toast at a dinner party. "Here's to a year with good health and fast recoveries. A year that we will end as we started it, together. And a year where a certain baby girl says 'daddy'."  
  
Monica laughed at the last part.  
  
"She is taking her time with the talking, isn't she?" she said with a smile.  
  
"Maybe we should let a… a… well, one of those doctors who work with voice and speech take a look at her."  
  
"My my, someone's been doing their homework" Monica said with a smile, and copied him. "'A… a… one of those doctors who work with voice and speech'! My gosh Chandler, if the chaplain's aid heard you she'd cry."  
  
Chandler rolled his eyes and took a sip from his glass.  
  
"Okay, so is it my turn?" Monica asked. "To say something for a toast, I mean."  
  
"Go ahead."  
  
"Okay, then I'd like to quote that line from Tennyson, like you insist on doing every New Years anyway…" Monica harked and tried to remember the last line of the poem that Chandler always recited at New Years. "Ring out the year of a thousand wars… And ring in the kingdom of a thousand peaces."  
  
"Not too shabby" Chandler said with a nod. "But you forgot the 'ring, bell, ring' part. That part is the best."  
  
"What do you want from me, I only know the last two lines!"  
  
Chandler laughed and kissed her. She kissed him back and felt her head spin. Unfortunately not because of the kiss. Chandler ended the kiss and pulled back, eyeing her and grabbing her glass. He put it down. When he looked up at her she had fallen asleep again.  
  
"That tired, huh?" he said and kissed her on the cheek. "Well I'll stay for a few more hours, babe. Love you, Monica."  
  
*  
  
Phoebe tried her best to soothe Regina. She was walking with the girl in the living room, and Regina was crying. Phoebe desperately glanced at the others, not knowing what to do.  
  
"Someone call Chandler soon, or else one of the neighbours are gonna think we're maltreating her or something!" she said. "Ross you have a son, why can't YOU try?"  
  
Ross rose from the couch and then sat again. He knew it wouldn't be any use.  
  
"Phoebs, would you get her to STOP?" Rachel said, sounding fed-up. "My ears are bleeding here!"  
  
"I don't think she can help it, she's little and she's sick and she's not with her parents" Joey said. "Trust me, my sister's son did the exact same thing once. Although my sister was just in the next room, so that was taken care of pretty fast."  
  
Rachel rolled her eyes, annoyed with Joey for his stupid story and annoyed with Regina for crying and annoyed with Phoebe for not making her stop. Ross was annoying her just because he was sitting there and not doing anything.  
  
"Why did she even wake up again in the first place?" she finally said. "Chandler said she would sleep until morning!"  
  
"Bad dream, perhaps" Phoebe suggested. "She might still have a fever. And not all people sleep too well when they're sick."  
  
"But make her stop crying! I'm ready to join her!" Rachel said.  
  
"Me too, from pure sympathy" Phoebe said, lightly starting to bounce Regina up and down like you do with a smaller baby. "Poor lamb, she's going through a lot." Phoebe took a deep, shivering breath and wished the girl would stop crying. She felt like such a failure, and it felt like Regina didn't feel safe with her.  
  
Chandler entered, and Phoebe hurriedly turned at him.  
  
"Chandler thank God you're here!" she said.  
  
"Oh my gosh, she's awake?" Chandler said, sounding a bit worried. "Phoebe why haven't you gotten her to stop crying?"  
  
"I think YOU need to do that" Joey said, giving his amateur opinion in child psychology.  
  
Chandler walked over to Phoebe and reached for the baby.  
  
"Here we go, there we go…" he quietly said when Phoebe handed him his daughter. He held her close and slowly started walking back and forth in front of the TV, just like Phoebe had done. Phoebe sat down.  
  
"There we go sweetie…" Chandler quietly and softly said. "Don't cry… daddy's here, don't cry…"  
  
Regina's sobs calmed somewhat, and she was mostly just crying in a stubborn baby way like children do when they've cried a lot and are starting to calm down.  
  
"Ever heard of a pacifier?" Chandler asked his friends, and picked it up from the coffee table. "Here you go, sweetheart" he said and stuck it in Regina's mouth. "There…" He kissed her on the forehead. "You don't have to cry anymore… I'm here, I'm not going anywhere… You feel sick, don't you? Is your throat aching? Your head?" He kissed her on the top of her head and pressed her closer. He looked over at the rest. "She been awake long?" he asked.  
  
"Yeah, sort of…" Ross said.  
  
"She woke up about half an hour ago" Phoebe filled in. "And she's cried the whole time."  
  
"Why didn't you call me?" Chandler asked. "Why didn't you hand her the pacifier or give her something warm to drink for her throat, or just do ANYTHING?"  
  
"Well it's not like we didn't TRY!" Rachel defended herself. "Come on, of course it's easy for YOU to get her to stop crying!"  
  
"I think she was just very daddy-sick" Joey said. "She woke up for the first time in her life without you or Monica being around, and to top it all off she wasn't feeling well."  
  
Chandler kept his eyes on the child, trying to repress the guilt he felt.  
  
*  
  
The others soon took off and Chandler found that Joey had most likely been right in his amateuristic diagnosis. As soon as he went out of sight for Regina she would start to cry again. He sat her down on a blanket in the nursery when she finally went asleep, and left the room to go get a drink of water before putting her to bed and getting ready for bed himself. But after just about twenty seconds he heard toddle footsteps running into the living room and turned around to see his crying daughter coming running to him. He put his glass down on the sink and kneeled down, hugging her when she reached him.  
  
"Oh Gina, don't cry…" he said, feeling more helpless than ever. "Sweetie don't cry… Daddy's not going anywhere, you KNOW that!"  
  
He lifted her up and took her with him into the bathroom while he got ready for bed. Then he carried her on his hip, holding her firmly with his left arm, as he walked around the apartment turning off all the lights. Then he let her sleep in his bed, on her mother's pillow.  
  
He put her down on Monica's beside and tucked her in. He turned the light off in the ceiling, leaving only his nightstand light on. He got into bed and noticed that she still had cheeks wet from old and new tears. He kept in a sigh and turned his light off, before he grabbed her and lifted her over to him.  
  
"It'll be okay…" he whispered to her, stroking her head in the darkness. "I'm sorry I left you earlier tonight… I saw mommy. She sends all of her love. She can't wait to see you again."  
  
He quieted, but didn't stop stroking her head. She was laying partly on top of him, partly next to him, pretty much like Monica loved to do. Chandler noticed that he'd forgotten to bring her bunny but Regina seemed content with having him as a substitute for one night, so he decided to let it be. He didn't want to disturb her when she finally seemed to be going to sleep.  
  
After a few minutes he could hear her steady breath and he knew she was sleeping. He was still stroking her head, feeling a bit comforted by it. It was comforting to have contact with another human being, especially one that wouldn't judge him.  
  
He closed his eyes and let the guilt wash over him. He had left Regina, he had taken off to the hospital and left her with the others. Not that he didn't trust him, but he knew she'd never ever woken up without one of her parents being there and he knew how scared she could be sometimes that Chandler would go somewhere too. He also knew that she was sick for the first time in her life and that she needed his comfort and care. And yet he had taken off and left her with the others.  
  
'How could I be so stupid?' he thought. 'Monica knew it was stupid, she knew it all right… She was happy to have me there, but she didn't think it was a good idea that I left Regina all alone. Well, not ALL alone, but the guys can't replace a parent. And I KNOW how parent-sick she gets.'  
  
He sighed and stopped stroking Regina's head.  
  
'I'm the one who always says that you have to put your child's needs above your own. Well did I do that tonight? Hell no… And look what that lead to.'  
  
He felt really bad for leaving his daughter, even just for three hours, when she had a cold and felt scared. In one way it would have felt better if Regina had been acting like she was mad at him, but she hadn't acted like that at all. She had shown in every way that she wanted her daddy to be there, she wouldn't let him out of sight once he got back, and that made Chandler feel even worse.  
  
'I guess that's the problem with children' he thought. 'They're too damn honest about everything. Regina never even reflected about the fact that I wasn't there when I should have been, she only reflected about the fact that I was gone when she woke up but then I came back home.'  
  
He sighed in the darkness and wished for the billionth time that Monica was at home with him. Handling all of the duties of a parent was hard to do on your own, especially with a child like his, who had become so eager to always have a parent with her. He closed his eyes hard and tried not to think of what it would be like if Monica died.  
  
*  
  
Monica was barely aware that she was awake. It was now the last week of January, and she was more sick now that she'd ever been before. She sometimes fell asleep in the middle of sentences, she often needed to throw up and she couldn't get out of the bed on her own. And she had lost all interest of being taken out to the dayroom in a wheelchair.  
  
She felt a warm hand on her forehead, and soft lips on hers. She opened her eyes slightly and hoped she was smiling. She couldn't really tell.  
  
"How's my hero?" she managed to say, her voice quite husky.  
  
"He's in love" Chandler replied, kissing her on the forehead. "And he's eager to tell his heroine to try not to talk."  
  
"I'm getting worse, aren't I?" Monica said, her voice even more husky now.  
  
"Well…" Chandler said. He then sighed and looked down on the bed. "Monica I can't lie to you. You deserve to know what's going on."  
  
"I'm dying" Monica croaked, not knowing weather to accept it or fight it. Neither option seemed appealing.  
  
"No, I'm afraid you're gonna have to wait a while before we can say that for sure" Chandler said. "And I'd rather prefer not having to hear it for another forty or fifty years." He sighed and looked at her. "But you've… come down with a cold. We don't know how exactly. Gina's not at day-care anymore, so she can't have caught anything there and passed it on to you… And I haven't exactly been out much, and I none of the others are sick…"  
  
"Maybe a nurse passed it on to me…" Monica suggested, struggling to keep her eyes open. "There are so many people I could have gotten this from…"  
  
Chandler kept in a few swearwords. He couldn't understand how they could let people possibly carrying germs wander around in the hospital among cancer patients?  
  
"Monica please don't talk unless you feel you really have to…" he said and stroke her cheek. "Save your energy. The doctors don't think it's very serious."  
  
That was a lie, but she didn't seem to notice. Chandler hoped she wouldn't find out that the 15-year-old boy in the room next to Monica's had died earlier that day. He too had had leukaemia, and he too had gotten a cold. What Monica needed to hear was that she could make it if she fought it.  
  
He met her eyes, that were more closed than open by now, and he saw a look in her eyes that made him feel warm inside. She looked at him as if she wished she could only tell him how much he meant to her.  
  
"Baby, I love you so much, you'll never know…" he said, and leaned in to hug her close. He let his face rest next to hers on the pillow and he gently took her hand and started to stroke the back of it with his thumb. "Isn't it wonderful that we can love each other so?" he whispered in her ear. "I know you love me just as much as I love you… if that's possible, that is" he said. He was trying to tell her that he knew what she was too tired to say.  
  
Monica felt a few tears run down her cheeks and she put her left arm around him and hugged him closer. She fell asleep again after just a few seconds.  
  
*  
  
On February 1st Monica woke up early, needing to throw up. She was alone in the room.  
  
'They're shifting guards, I guess' she sarcastically thought, and wondered who'd just left and who was on his or her way.  
  
She threw up and leaned back, trying not to swallow. She heard steps in the hall and knew that whoever was taking over the guard post would be there in about five seconds.  
  
Chandler entered, looking angry. Monica frowned. When was the last time she'd seen him angry? She wanted to ask him what was the matter, but she had almost lost her voice because of the cold so she couldn't.  
  
"The doctor tells me you're not eating!" Chandler said, angry and with his hands on his hips. "Why aren't you eating?"  
  
"Not hungry" she said, making the sentence as short as possible.  
  
"I don't give a rat's ass weather or not you're hungry!" Chandler growled.  
  
Monica's eyes widened. She wasn't prepared to meet an angry husband. Especially not one who was angry over something like this.  
  
"You are going to eat weather or not you're hungry, because weather or not you are your body needs the food."  
  
"Can't they feed me intravenously?" Monica managed to get out.  
  
"That's for patients who can't eat by themselves, or who've just been through surgery. You are still capable of eating on your own, you and I both know it!"  
  
Monica turned her head to get away from his angry eyes. Chandler walked closer.  
  
"You listen to me Monica, you are going to eat and you are going to do it NOW!"  
  
Monica shook her head.  
  
"Yes you are!" Chandler hissed.  
  
"My throat is soar…" Monica said, almost starting to cry. Her whole body felt soar, but the throat was almost worst. And she hated the fact that her voice was almost gone completely. And it was so husky now, it had never been like this before.  
  
Chandler left and returned two minutes later along with a nurse who had a tray with soup, bread and some Jell-O. Chandler sat down next to Monica on the bed, still angry and very determined. Monica was still looking in the other direction, trying to keep her tears away. The nurse left and Chandler grabbed her chin.  
  
"Now you're going to eat" he said, turning her head in his direction. Monica was too weak to get out of his firm grip. "Open your mouth and do it NOW!"  
  
"Chandler STOP IT!" she managed to get out, hating him in that moment. "Stop it, stop it, leave me alone!"  
  
"No, I won't leave you alone. I refuse to stand by and watch you starve yourself to death! Trust me, that is not a better option! Now open your mouth Monica!"  
  
"I'll just be sick again!" Monica said, hoping she wouldn't loose her voice completely.  
  
"From what I understand you just were sick. You throw up weather or not you eat, and with food in your stomach the odds are that you'll NOT throw up! You'll feel better, come on Mon!"  
  
She shook her head. Chandler lost patience completely.  
  
"I am through playing nice with you here, don't think that being sick is an excuse for starving yourself! Now open your damn mouth!"  
  
Surprised by his last words she opened her mouth and swallowed the first spoon of soup he gave her. She felt like she was going to throw up at any second. He continued to feed her, angrily.  
  
"Chandler please, I'm two seconds away from needing to throw up…" she managed to say.  
  
"How good, that means about two more spoons before you do. Open up!" Chandler replied.  
  
Chandler managed to get her to eat all of the soup, bread and then decided to make her eat the Jell-O as well. Monica reluctantly ate and fought with her urge to throw up. Tears were falling down her cheeks and she hated him in that moment.  
  
Chandler fed her the last spoon and then put the tray down on the floor. He then pulled her into a hug, no longer mad, and she let him comfort her.  
  
"Monica, Monica, you know just as well as I do… You CAN'T stop eating! What are you supposed to live on?"  
  
"Don't talk with me" Monica croaked. "Just shut up."  
  
Chandler rocked her back and forth, wishing he could ease her pain. And heard and felt how she took deep breaths to keep the food down. He slowly formed the hand sign for 'I love you' and stroke her back with that hand, hoping she could feel what he was saying.  
  
*  
  
Phoebe cast a glance on the clock on the wall and sighed. She then glanced at Monica, who was asleep.  
  
"What a lousy way to spend a February night" she mumbled, not sure if she was referring to herself or to Monica. Neither option was very appealing.  
  
She heard a small noise and looked up. Monica was moving her head in her sleep and mumbling something. Phoebe raised an eyebrow, but let it fall again. Rachel had heard her talk in her sleep in December, so it wasn't really something out of the ordinary.  
  
Phoebe glanced down on her feet, just to have something to look at. She didn't feel like she needed to be there right now. The five friends had made a rolling schedule, making sure someone was always with Monica. They all took time off from work every now and then to make it fit, especially the person who had night watch. Chandler was hard to fit in the schedule since he had the baby at home to worry about. He always came by at least twice a day, but on the other hand he couldn't stay over the night since Regina needed him at home. Their usual routine was eight hours at a time, which was quite a lot. But no one ever said anything about it.  
  
Rachel had after a while suggested that they would exclude Chandler from the schedule, so he could come and go as he wished. And when he came he often stayed until the next person came to take over the watch, which meant that the person who was there when he arrived could go home. Chandler brought Regina with him around every third day usually, but since Monica had come down with her cold he let Regina stay at home. He felt it was better that way.  
  
"Five more hours to go…" Phoebe said to herself. "And Monica's been asleep for as long as I've been here. So much for spending the night pleasantly."  
  
Phoebe didn't mind at all to be there when Monica was awake. Even though Monica didn't say or do much these days, they could always watch movies together or listen to music together. And Phoebe liked seeing that her company was good for Monica, it cheered her up to have her friends there and it always seemed as if she thought it was a pleasant surprise to see which one of them was there each time she woke up.  
  
Rachel, on the other hand, preferred to be there while Monica was asleep. She had soon realized after Christmas that being there with an awake Monica meant having to take care of the bedpan she vomited in, and Rachel hated having to do that. She mostly wanted to take the '00.00 - 08.00' shift, because that's when it was most likely that Monica would be asleep. Tonight though she wouldn't have to be there, Joey was coming over at midnight to let Phoebe go home and sleep.  
  
"Hope you get better, friend…" Phoebe said, glancing at Monica. "This is really taking it out of us all. Pretty strange if you think about it… We're really like a family, making up schedules for who's being here with you when…"  
  
Monica's parents didn't come by often. It was too long of a drive for them to just come over for a few hours, so they usually came over every ten days and stayed for about five days each time. Those days the gang got one shift off each day. Jack and Judy spent the night asleep in Chandler and Monica's apartment and part of the day baby-sitting their granddaughter while Chandler caught up with work, ran errands or sat by his wife's side.  
  
Phoebe knew it was another seven days before Mr. and Mrs. Geller would come by again. That meant another week of baby-sitting, sitting with Monica, working and trying to keep up with life. Most of their life was circling around Monica now.  
  
Monica tossed and turned in her sleep for a few seconds, mumbling something. Phoebe rose and went over to her, taking a closer look. She put her hand against Monica's forehead and found it burning hot. She sat down on the chair next to the bed and took a cold wet cloth from a small pack on the nightstand and placed it on Monica's forehead.  
  
"You've got a fever again, my friend" she said. "This cold seems awful stubborn, don't you think?"  
  
She felt thankful to have something to do for a while. She chatted along with her sleeping friend about everything and nothing while she tried to see if she could get the fever to go down. Her chat seemed to have a calming effect on Monica, who soon slept more calmly again.  
  
Phoebe picked up the cold cloth and threw it in the trash. She leaned back in the quite uncomfortable chair and fell asleep as well, even though it was only around eight at night.  
  
*  
  
She woke up close to midnight, awaken by a cry from Monica. Phoebe sat up straight and then leaned closer.  
  
Monica was twisting in her sleep again and mumbling things now as well. Phoebe couldn't make out a single word of what she was saying, but she felt a bit scared. She could feel her pulse and her heart beating slightly faster. She quickly grabbed another cold wet cloth and placed it on Monica's forehead. After a few seconds Monica calmed down and went back to her peaceful sleep.  
  
"Knock knock!" Joey said, sticking his head in. "You awake?"  
  
"Uh-hu." Phoebe said with a nod as Joey entered. "She isn't though. I don't think she has been for as long as I've been here. I fell asleep myself, so I can't say for sure. But Ross said she fell asleep around eleven."  
  
"She needs all the sleep she can get" Joey pointed out, and placed a kiss on Monica's cheek. "Isn't that right, Sleeping Beauty?"  
  
"She's been twisting and turning in her sleep" Phoebe told him. "And she's mumbling stuff, I can't tell what."  
  
"Probably 'oh, Chandler'!" Joey said jokingly.  
  
"Yeah, well keep an eye on her. Her fever is up again."  
  
Phoebe rose and headed for the door. She stopped in the doorway and turned to look at Joey. He was sitting down on Monica's other side, looking through one of the magazines that lay on that nightstand. He was whistling to himself, seeming quite awake.  
  
Out in the corridor she ran into a doctor exiting the room opposite Monica's.  
  
"Excuse me doctor, but can I ask you something?" Phoebe asked. "My friend is in there," she said and pointed at the door she'd just exited, "and she's quite sick, she's got leukaemia and a cold, and she's mumbling and tossing and turning in her sleep. And I think she's got a high fever. Is this normal or is this bad?"  
  
"I'll have a look on her" the doctor said and went past Phoebe into Monica's room.  
  
"Something wrong?" Joey asked, looking up as the doctor entered.  
  
"Just checking on your friend, that's all…" the doctor replied.  
  
Monica made a crying noise in her sleep and threw her head to the right.  
  
*  
  
Fifteen minutes later Chandler, Ross and Rachel had gotten to the hospital. Chandler was holding Regina who was still in her pyjamas. They were standing outside Monica's room with Phoebe. Joey was still with Monica.  
  
"This doesn't have to be that serious" the young doctor Phoebe had talked to earlier said. "But… well…"  
  
"Butt well what?" Chandler asked, feeling almost too tired to be scared. Regina was nodding off with her head resting on his shoulder.  
  
"But she's fallen into a deep sleep. Not a coma, but something close to that. We can't really reach her."  
  
Phoebe felt that she was shivering. She couldn't help it, it was as if she'd gotten outside in really cold weather. Ross put an arm around her, realizing she was probably in a lighter state of shock.  
  
"Are you saying my wife MIGHT fall into a coma?" Chandler asked, not wanting to think about what that could mean.  
  
"What I'm saying is basically…" The doctor shook his head to clear his thoughts. "I can't tell you for sure… But I would have to say that she's probably… going through the hardest part of her sickness."  
  
"There's not to ask of why, there's but to do and die…" Chandler mumbled. Then he looked at the doctor. "If I understand you correctly this is sort of a turning point… It's life or death. She makes it or she doesn't make it. And now is when it's determined."  
  
"Something to that affect" the doctor said with a nod. "But to make it simpler: it can only get better from this point. If she doesn't die."  
  
"My God…" Chandler said, and went past the doctor into his wife's hospital room. Joey looked up at him, with a scared look in his eyes. He looked worn and haggard.  
  
"Chandler what did the doctor say?" he asked. "He wouldn't tell me anything until you got here, what's going on here?"  
  
"Take the baby" Chandler said and handed Joey Regina. Then he went around to the other side of the bed and sat down, taking Monica's hand. He locked his eyes on her and didn't take them off her. "It's now or never" he said to Joey. "Or something like that. The doctor says she can only go in two directions at this point. To being well or to being dead."  
  
"Oh god…" Joey said.  
  
Chandler looked pretty worn and haggard as well. His eyes were looking almost panicked and he wouldn't take them off Monica.  
  
Joey rose with Regina in his arms.  
  
"I'm… gonna leave you two alone" he said. He looked down on Monica and all of a sudden got hit by the realisation that this might be the last time he saw her alive. He didn't even bother to hold back his tears and leaned down to kiss Monica on the cheek one last time.  
  
"Pull through Monica!" he said, almost sobbing. "You can do it. You've got everything to return to."  
  
He left, leaving Chandler and Monica alone. Chandler immediately began trying to get contact with Monica.  
  
"Monica listen to me now!" he said. "You've, you've just got some fever, I'll help you get better, if you can hear me then focus on my voice!"  
  
He heard her call his name twice, low and husky. She was breathing unevenly and her breath was wheezy. She was twisting and turning anxiously. Chandler watched her with fear like a cold hand around his heart. He saw his wife, his adored wife, make a pained face and then cry out 'No!'.  
  
Then she was quiet. And still. Chandler exhaled in relief. She was peaceful again. Then he heard a high beeping sound and turned his head to the machines monitoring her vital functions. The one showing her heartbeats was the beeping one. Her EKG showed no heartbeats.  
  
  
Review please. I'm gonna post part4 tomorrow or so, but it takes some time to get 'em into txt format... Anyway, let me know what you think!  



	4. Always4

Always, 4  
  
  
INTRODUCTION: To make it easy for yourself, read the 1st three parts before this one... :)  
DISCLAIMER: The "Friends" characters aren't mine, no matter how much I want 'em to be, lol!  
  
  
"Monica!" Chandler screamed, and lightly slapped her on the cheek, on some level hoping it would wake her up again. "MONICA!"  
  
He got to his feet and ran towards the doors, flung them open and grabbed the young doctor by his coat arm.  
  
"Help! Quick! She's dying!"  
  
*  
  
The whole thing was over in about three minutes, although it felt like a lot longer in Chandler's mind. The doctors had managed to get her heartbeat back and her vitals in order. She was working as she should again.  
  
Chandler held her hand and watched her breathe calmly. She was breathing through a respirator, because the doctors feared she might stop breathing again if air wasn't pumped into her lungs in artificial way.  
  
Ross stood in the doorway holding his niece in his arms, eyeing his sister and brother-in-law. Chandler wouldn't take his eyes off Monica, it was almost as if he was afraid she'd drift off again if he let her out of sight. Ross thought about it for a second, then decided to talk to Chandler instead of letting him think he was alone with Monica.  
  
"She's gonna be fine, Chandler" he said. "It can only go in one way from this point, right?"  
  
"Where are the others?" Chandler asked, not looking up.  
  
"Phoebe and Joey went home to get some sleep. Phoebs has been here since four pm yesterday, she's wiped. And Joey's pretty exhausted too. Rachel's out in the hall."  
  
"Where's Gina? Is she with Rach?"  
  
"With me."  
  
Ross walked over to the bed. Chandler lifted his eyes off Monica and took Regina in his arms. Then he turned his eyes back to where they'd been. He sighed, completely exhausted.  
  
"Chandler, shouldn't you be better off just going home?" Ross asked. "Take Regina and go home to sleep."  
  
"We're not home free yet, Ross. Don't think for a second that I'll be going anywhere until the danger is over."  
  
"It IS over, Chandler."  
  
"It is not."  
  
Ross sighed.  
  
"So what, then?" he asked. "Are you planning on sitting here until she's completely well again?"  
  
"No, I can't do that" Chandler replied. "But not even wild horses could make me leave until we at least know she'll survive the nearest 24 hours."  
  
"Chandler think about your daughter!" Ross said, trying his best to get Chandler to go home and sleep. "She needs sleep, in a real bed not on someone's shoulder. Take care of her, and let us and the doctors take care of Monica."  
  
Chandler didn't reply. He still kept his eyes on Monica. Ross started to wonder if he was even aware that he had a child in his arms. Ross left to find a doctor who could help him send Chandler home. As soon as he left, Chandler leaned closer to Monica.  
  
"Please don't die, please don't die…" he whispered. "You cannot die now… Cannot die…"  
  
"Not die" Regina echoed her father.  
  
Chandler placed a hand on the back of her head and kissed her on the forehead, absentmindedly.  
  
"Family democracy says you can't die" he said to Monica. "It's me and Regina against you on this one… Unless you too want to live. But either way you have to, we're a majority here."  
  
"Mommy…" Regina said and reached out her hand.  
  
Chandler leaned her closer so she could touch her mommy's forehead. Regina had her serious look on her face, and Chandler smiled slightly. They really looked alike.  
  
"What that?" Regina asked, pointing to the respirator.  
  
"It helps mommy breathe" Chandler explained and sat up straight again. Regina eyed it carefully and seemed very confused over why that plastic thing could help her mother breathe, especially since she's always been able to breathe on her own before.  
  
"Try to go to sleep, honey" Chandler said to Regina and kissed her on the forehead. "We're gonna stay here with mommy until she wakes up."  
  
*  
  
Monica woke up a few hours later, feeling sick and feeling funny. There was something covering her mouth and nose. She realized it was a respirator. She blinked until her eyes focused again, and looked around.  
  
She felt her heart swell with love when she saw her family on the chair next to her. Both were asleep and Chandler had Regina in a firm grip, making sure she wouldn't fall down.  
  
Monica closed her eyes for a second, then opened them again. What had happened? Why had they put her on a respirator?  
  
She saw Regina open her eyes and look at her. Monica smiled.  
  
"Mommy!" Regina said.  
  
Monica lifted her hand and stroke her daughter on the cheek.  
  
"Hi sweetie…" she said, though she didn't know if Regina could hear it. A combination of a cold and a respirator made her voice seem very distant and fragile.  
  
She smiled wider when she saw her daughter trying to squirm out of Chandler's firm grip to get closer. After a while she seemed to be fed up with trying, so she gave her father a push.  
  
"Wake up!" she demanded.  
  
Chandler grunted and opened his right eye.  
  
"Sweetie, what is it?" he mumbled, wanting to go back to sleep.  
  
"MOMMY!" Regina said, pushing him again.  
  
Chandler got scared and opened both his eyes. Then he saw he had nothing to worry about. She was awake. He smiled widely and looked deep into her eyes.  
  
"I think she wants loose" Monica said.  
  
Chandler had no idea what she was trying to say, but he gathered from the squirms his daughter was occupied with that she wanted to get loose. He begun setting her down on the floor, but the child protested and he lifted her up again. Then he realized she wanted to go to Monica. He carefully lifted her over to Monica's other side and just as carefully put her down there.  
  
Monica ignored the feeling of weakness that made it hard for her to move. She pulled the child into a hug and wished she could breathe in the smell of baby, so different from the smell of hospital. But the respirator was in the way.  
  
Chandler leaned down and kissed her lovingly on the cheek. Then he rested his head next to hers and put an arm around her and the baby.  
  
*  
  
By the end of the week Monica was feeling a lot better. The respirator was long gone, and she didn't feel pain anywhere. She started to believe the doctors when they told her that the worst part was over now, and she would most likely be fully recovered.  
  
She looked up with a smile when she saw Chandler enter, whistling and seeming to be in a really good mood. He sat down next to her and gave her a kiss.  
  
Rachel, who had been 'on duty', realized that a sortie would be good around this moment. She rose and left the room quietly.  
  
"My my, someone is in a good mood…" Monica said with a smile.  
  
"I don't come only with a good mood, I come with good news!" Chandler said with an even bigger smile and took her hand. "The doctors are really pleased with how you're doing. It will only get better from now on, apparently."  
  
"That's good news, but I have heard it before" Monica said with a crooked smile.  
  
"I haven't gotten to the good bit yet" Chandler assured her. "You see, the doctors are ready to finish your treatment."  
  
Monica's face lit up like a candle.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Really. They have to phase it out as you know, but they've already started that process… Today is the fifth, right?"  
  
"Sixth."  
  
"Sixth, okay. The doctor said that by the thirteenth you'd be ready to go home. Just in time for valentine's day, actually."  
  
"Honey, I DO know what date valentine's day is."  
  
"Anyway, you'll get to be home for that and for Phoebe's birthday. And then around the twentieth you'll have to go back so they can give you the final treatment. And then you can go home again sometime in early March and then in late March they're gonna do the transplant."  
  
"Wow…" Monica said. "And I thought *I* planned ahead…"  
  
Chandler smiled and kissed her on the cheek.  
  
"I can't wait to have you back… I miss you so at home. Life just isn't the same without everything being compulsively neat and someone sleeping on my shoulder."  
  
Monica chuckled.  
  
"Oh please, you've been longing for the day when you could have a home that wasn't compulsively neat."  
  
"Completely untrue" Chandler claimed. "If that were true I'd only have to spent a night at Joey's and then I'll be more than happy to be back."  
  
Monica smiled and coughed.  
  
*  
  
Monica felt weak standing up. And it was no wonder. She hadn't exactly been standing a lot this year. But she didn't feel like getting depressed over her stupid legs not working as they should. After all, she was going home today.  
  
She looked up at Chandler and smiled. He was there with Phoebe and Rachel to take her home.  
  
"Monica you must be SO relieved to get out of that awful hospital gown!" Rachel said sympathetically.  
  
Monica rolled her eyes. Rachel seemed to be able to connect everything to fashion.  
  
"Personally I didn't mind seeing you in that extremely sexy outfit" Chandler said, almost laughing.  
  
"Well you do like things that are open in the back…" Monica replied acidly.  
  
"Ouch, she gets a jab already and it's not even 12.30" Chandler said, still with his warm smile. "Good to know I've gotten the same Monica back!"  
  
She tilted her head and gave him a 'ha, ha' look.  
  
Phoebe and Rachel shared a look. They were used to the friendly banter and joking quarrels that Chandler and Monica seemed to like to devote their time to. But they had missed it the past months.  
  
"Weather or not I'm still the same person remains to be seen" Monica said, with feigned seriousness. "You just wait until we're alone in our bedroom tonight."  
  
"Oh, good, thanks for reminding me! I've gotta go call Janice and tell her that she can't stay over tonight" Chandler replied, feigning seriousness as well.  
  
"I think we'd better get going before the punches start to hit below the belt" Rachel said.  
  
Monica and Chandler shared a confused look.  
  
"Start to?" Chandler asked Monica.  
  
"She talking about US?" Monica asked Chandler.  
  
"You two are already getting on my nerves, now Monica march your hiney out the door!" Rachel said with a sigh, grabbing Monica's bag.  
  
"Just Monica?" Chandler asked.  
  
Rachel growled and hit him on the arm with her free hand. Then she marched out the room, the other three following closely behind.  
  
*  
  
That night Monica hugged Regina closely and looked around in the apartment, unable to put words to the joy she was feeling.  
  
"I just can't believe it, baby…" she said to Chandler, sitting next to them on the couch. "I just can't believe I made it. I'm home!"  
  
Chandler lovingly kissed her on the cheek and put his arm around her, pulling her close.  
  
"Told you never to give up, didn't I?"  
  
"Hey Chandler, I was dead there for a while though, wasn't I? I mean the doctors won't tell me, but I'm pretty sure I was."  
  
"Yeah…" Chandler reluctantly said after a few quiet seconds. "Yeah, for five minutes maybe. I don't know for sure."  
  
"Oh man…" Monica said with a disappointed sigh and sat back. "And I didn't have ANY cool near death experiences."  
  
"You don't believe in near death experiences."  
  
"Well I guess this proves my theory" Monica sighed. "Seriously, all I can remember are vague parts of fever dreams… and your voice, of course."  
  
"My voice?" Chandler said, slightly embarrassed. "You, you heard me? You heard what I was saying?"  
  
"No, I didn't hear words… I just heard your voice, mumbling and things like that." She looked up at him. "It was sort of my lifeline. It was what I clung on to."  
  
"Seriously? 'Cause you… died… right after I was left alone with you."  
  
Monica raised her eyebrows and let them fall, not really up for the discussion.  
  
Chandler's hand gently stroke her left shoulder. She took a glance at him. He was staring straight in front of him, seeming deep in thought. She rose.  
  
"I'm putting Gina down. She's fast asleep. Don't go anywhere."  
  
Chandler looked after her when she went into the nursery and smiled slightly. Regina had been so thrilled to have her mommy home, and Monica had only held her for ten minutes before she was fast asleep. She seemed more secure now than she had before.  
  
Monica came back with a mischievous grin on her face.  
  
"Now, if I remember it correctly…" she said. "I was gonna show you exactly how much or little I have changed."  
  
Chandler raised an eyebrow, confused.  
  
"Don't just sit there" Monica said with a smile. "Or, well, okay… You can sit there."  
  
Chandler looked even more confused.  
  
Monica smiled and giggled slightly. She sat down next to him and began to unbutton his shirt while talking as if they were playing a board game or something. Definitely not as if she was undressing him.  
  
"I guess I haven't changed too much at all. Probably not at all. I had one of those brain damage tests taken the other day. Quite interesting actually, I got to retell stories and describe things and associate… Oh, and I got to spell my name."  
  
"Did you pass?" Chandler said, trying to sound as casual as she did.  
  
"With flying colours" Monica said, pulling up the part of his shirt that he had tucked in his pants.  
  
"Well that's good then" Chandler said.  
  
"Very good… You have a wife with no brain damage."  
  
She smiled at him and took his shirt off. Chandler smiled at her and stroke her cheek. He was curious over what she would do next.  
  
Monica rose and went over to the ironing-board she still had out from earlier during the day, and started ironing his shirt. Chandler's chin fell.  
  
"You're doing that NOW?" he said, trying to sound surprised, not disappointed.  
  
"Now is as good of a time as any" Monica replied, with a light shrug to her shoulders. "The board is already out, so…"  
  
Chandler made a 'yeah, imagine that' face, crossed his arms and went back to looking in front of him. Monica ironed his shirt, folded it and went into the bedroom to put it in the closet. She came back out and sat down next to him. He turned his head to look at her.  
  
Monica grinned and slid down to the floor, standing on her knees. She took his socks off.  
  
"May I ask what is going on here?" Chandler asked.  
  
"Your socks are smelling like butter acid" Monica said and went with them to the hamper.  
  
"Why don't I just take of all of my clothes and then you can examine them and determine what needs to be ironed and what needs to be washed…" Chandler said, slightly annoyed.  
  
Monica came back out from the bathroom and unplugged the iron.  
  
"Chandler don't be silly. I'm not ironing anymore tonight."  
  
Chandler rolled his eyes.  
  
"Well I get what you mean…" he said. "You really haven't changed much."  
  
"Of course not, stupid!" Monica said with a laugh and came back and sat with him. "And I don't understand why you think I would have!"  
  
She held his face between her palms and kissed him while giggling. She stroke his cheek with her thumb and looked into his eyes.  
  
"Well, I guess I was playing amateur doctor or something" Chandler said.  
  
"Probably" Monica giggled.  
  
"Would you cut out the giggle?" Chandler asked, balancing on the line between being mad and starting to giggle himself.  
  
Monica went from giggling to laughing, leaning forward while she did. She just couldn't stop laughing, even though she didn't really have anything amusing to laugh about.  
  
"What in the world is so funny?" Chandler asked, realizing that the battle was lost and he had fallen over to her giggly side.  
  
"I have no idea!" Monica managed to get out between her laughters. She shook her head. "I haven't laughed this hard since last time I saw '60 Minutes'!" she joked.  
  
Chandler burst out laughing as well, leaning forward too. He shook his head and tried to stop, but it was no use.  
  
Monica made an effort to stop, but soon burst out laughing again. Then she took a deep breath, heard Chandler do the same, and turned to look at him. Their eyes met, and after just a second or two they were laughing like crazy again.  
  
"Oh gosh… my stomach!" Monica whined between laughters. She put her hands on her stomach.  
  
Chandler laughed harder and made a moaning sound when his stomach started to hurt as well. After about five minutes of uncontrolled laughter they managed to calm down.  
  
"Was it good for you too?" Monica asked, wiping tears from her face.  
  
Her comment made them both start laughing again. Chandler playfully gave her shoulder a push with his right hand.  
  
"Oh shut up!" he said, trying to repress the main in the stomach and at the same time trying to stop laughing.  
  
"Oh gosh…" Monica said, calming her laughter a little, and wiping tears from her eyes. "I don't think I've cried this hard since last time I saw 'Dawson's Creek'!"  
  
Chandler gave up trying to keep the laughter down and sank down on the floor.  
  
"It's really fun to have you home" he said, and she started to laugh harder too.  
  
"Chandler do you realize our sense of humour sucks?" she asked, leaning forward to look into his eyes, and calming down.  
  
"Totally" he said, hardly getting the word out because he was laughing so hard. "Maybe we should have sex, that ought to make you stop laughing!"  
  
"Are you kidding me?" Monica said, giggling worse again. "That would only make me laugh harder!"  
  
Chandler moaned in pain again since his new laugh attack made his stomach ache. He grabbed Monica's legs and leaned his head against them, laughing uncontrollably.  
  
"Oh gosh…" Monica said again, finally managing to stop laughing. She wiped her eyes and leaned forward to stroke his head. "I don't think I've had this much fun since the last time Rachel tried to bake bagels."  
  
"Monica cut it out!" Chandler moaned, not being able to stop laughing. "Shut up and give me a chance to stop laughing!"  
  
Monica couldn't resist the temptation, and leaned closer and started to tickle him.  
  
"Come on Chandler, stop laughing! I dare ya!" she said with a loving smile, while he tried to squirm away from her. "Come on, what kind of a man can't even manage to win over his wife in a small tickle-war? Show me you're a man!"  
  
Chandler didn't reply, he was busy trying to get away from her and to stop laughing. Finally he managed, and she let her hands slide back up to play with his hair. Chandler leaned his head against her knees, all of a sudden serious again.  
  
"God I love you" he said.  
  
"I know. Who doesn't love a person who tickles them?" Monica joked.  
  
"I think it's pretty strong of me to love you even THOUGH you tickle me" Chandler joked.  
  
"Well I love you too. More than words. But now you're gonna have to hug something else than my legs, because I kinda' wanna stand up."  
  
Chandler let her go and she rose to her feet.  
  
"A little peace offer…" she said, and pulled her shirt over her head. She tossed it at him with a smile. "And that's all you're getting out of me at the moment."  
  
"I want your socks too" Chandler said. "You took mine."  
  
Monica smiled and leaned down to kiss him on the lips. Chandler resisted the urge to press his lips harder against hers. Monica then went to the bathroom, leaving Chandler alone.  
  
He picked up her shirt and smelled it. He smiled. It smelled like her, all right. He rose and folded it, walking into the bedroom. Monica came in a few minutes later. Chandler looked up at her from where he was laying on the bed. He recognized the sly smile on her face.  
  
"Okay Chandler, I'll make a deal with you…" she said. "I'll trade. My socks for your pants."  
  
"Sounds like a fair trade" Chandler said sarcastically.  
  
"Of course…" Monica said, reaching behind her back to unclasp her bra. "You get me topless too. Three of your clothes off, three of mine."  
  
Chandler smiled at her lovingly, and obediently let his pants slide off. Monica picked them up and folded them, letting her bra hang loose. She then took it off along with her socks. She smiled at Chandler who had a look on his face that she was very familiar with.  
  
She put the clothes away neatly. Chandler wondered what was up with the tidy procedure. If she was playing with him, or…  
  
Monica crawled up on the bed and straddled him. She sat down on him and eyed him carefully.  
  
"You know, it feels like as soon as your pants are off it's much easier to control you" she remarked.  
  
"Actually I think it's your clothes being taken off that makes me easier to control."  
  
"Well, you know, it is no fair…" she replied, stroking his right thigh. "After all… You only have your boxers left to take off for me. I've got both pants and panties." She shrugged her shoulders. "But that's no worry. I'll keep the panties on."  
  
"Whoa, hold on there!"  
  
"Oh, do you want me to keep the pants instead?" Monica asked, pretending not to understand what he was complaining about.  
  
"Couldn't you have left the socks on, or something?" Chandler said, whiny.  
  
"Nah…" Monica said.  
  
She moved so she was sitting next to him and slid his boxers off. Then she took her own pants off, keeping her underwear on, and lay down next to him. She kissed him lightly and ran her hand up and down his right side.  
  
"Ah, that tickles!"  
  
"Sorry…"  
  
She grinned and let her lips brush against his. Her touch was so light that he could barely feel her lips on his. He closed his eyes and tried to resist. He knew she was out to get a reaction in him. He was determined to win this one.  
  
Monica slowly let her tongue lick his lips, barely touching them at all. She kept her eyes on his closed eyes and tried to see if he was reacting. She knew he was, but it was the physical reaction she was after at the moment.  
  
Chandler tried to get annoyed instead of aroused. If he got fed up with her light licks he would probably be able to resist it for a longer time. But he knew it was useless. There was something about her that made it impossible for him to be mad at her.  
  
Monica grinned slightly and pulled away. Chandler was just about to open his eyes when he felt two of her fingers press on his cheeks, exactly where his line of teeth ended.  
  
"Ouch!" he said, although he was more surprised than pained. Her fingers pressing him there made him open his mouth, and as soon as he did her fingers were gone. Then he felt her tongue again, this time inside of his open mouth.  
  
Monica saw him clench and unclench his hands, and she knew his reaction wasn't far away by now.  
  
'Gosh he is easy to break…' she thought in amusement. 'Hardly any sport at all!'  
  
She let her tongue carefully feel the inside of his mouth, still with the same light touch. She leaned her upper body down on his chest and placed her hands on both sides of his head. Hopefully she was making Chandler think she was going to kiss him hard and deep at any minute. That would make it harder for him to not react to her hardly feelable kiss.  
  
Chandler tried his best to resist her. It almost felt like torture, and it was silly! It was just a kiss, it shouldn't be enough to make him feel this way. His determination to keep still until she decided for herself that she couldn't wait for his reaction any longer and kissed him deeply grew weaker. He tried to think about boring things, like math, David Bowie and the presidential election, anything to keep his mind elsewhere.  
  
Monica let her lips softly brush against his and her tongue stroke over his, barely touching it. She could feel him tremble. She lifted her head up and blew out some air on his eyes, just to see what reaction she got. His hands came up and grabbed her around the waist. But that was all he did. Monica smiled lovingly and gently let her tongue enter his still open mouth again.  
  
Chandler tried to at least keep his hands still. It was very tempting to let them run up and down her hips and waist, but he realized that it would mean giving in to her slightly. He already had, when his hands had reached up for her. But she wanted a better reaction.  
  
Monica smiled and lightly, lightly nibbled his upper lip, then let her tongue slide down his lip into his mouth again, still barely touching him at all with her mouth. She heard him take a deep breath and lovingly rubbed her nose against his. She placed her light kisses on his lips again, tracing from one corner of his mouth to the other, and then back again along the other lip. She was slightly amazed by how long he'd resisted her. His hands moved from being on her hips to being lingered around them in a firm but tender grip.  
  
'You're loosing, Chandler…' she thought with a smile and let her tongue trace back the same way her kisses just had gone. She knew she was on the brink of braking him. He wanted a real deep kiss and he wanted it now.  
  
She let her tongue enter his mouth, then leave it again a few times. Then he finally couldn't resist anymore.  
  
With his right arm he pressed her hips closer to him, and his left flew up and grabbed the back of her head. He pushed it down at the same time as he lifted his own head up and kissed her long, hard and deep.  
  
Monica smiled, enjoying the kiss a hundred per cent. She had made him react, finally, and they both knew it. She had shown him she could break him even when he tried his best not to be beaten.  
  
Chandler moaned as he let his right arm slide up her back and stroke her, and he kept her head in a firm grip with his left hand. He wouldn't want to risk letting her go. In that case she might pull away and continue teasing him, and he'd had enough for now.  
  
He finally broke the kiss, in desperate need for air. Monica gave him a loving smile and lay down next to him with her head resting between his shoulder and neck. Chandler continued stroking her with his right hand. The left one now lay more relaxed on her head. He took a few deep breaths and tried to think of a way to put her to the test like she just had done with him. He realized that he could let a hand slide into her panties and see how long it took before she was begging him to take them off.  
  
He slowly let his right hand slide down towards her hips again, then realized she was crying.  
  
"Monica?" he said, confused. He forgot what he had been thinking just seconds earlier and carefully sat up, taking her head between his hands and tilting it up to him. Her cheeks were wet with tears and her eyes were getting puffy.  
  
"But honey, what's the matter?" he asked, feeling scared. He hoped she wasn't feeling bad, after all she still wasn't really well.  
  
"I just realized…" Monica whispered, trying to wipe her eyes but new tears came immediately. "I just let it sink in…"  
  
"Let what sink in, honey? Talk to me!"  
  
Monica carefully sat up as well and gently grabbed his hands, pushing them away from her face.  
  
"It hasn't become reality until now."  
  
"Honey, you are going to have to tell me what you're crying about" Chandler said. He couldn't understand a thing. One minute she was teasing him, seducing him, the next she was in tears.  
  
"I'll probably never be able to have another baby" Monica said through her tears, and Chandler understood in a split second. "I'll never be able to call Regina my OLDEST child instead of my ONLY child. I'll never have a son, or even get the chance to have one!"  
  
"Never say never, you know that!" Chandler said, lamely trying to comfort her. "You said the same thing about watching Gina grow up, and now you've beaten the cancer!"  
  
"But in return I've most likely lost my fertility" Monica said through her sobs. "I've never let that part sink in before, even though the doctors told us that since square one. I never bothered to think about it since I didn't even know if I was gonna live. But now it's become hard reality."  
  
"You listen to me for a second…" Chandler said, stroking the tears off her cheeks. "You listen to me, the doctors said you MIGHT get infertile. Not that you WOULD get infertile. Let's not panic over this until we know for sure, okay? And either way I love you so much that I wouldn't even have cared if you'd been infertile when we met." He smiled slightly. "But I'm so thankful for the daughter you've given me. I must say I like the fact that you were fertile when we met. And you most likely still are."  
  
Monica nodded, mostly just to agree, not up for the discussion at the moment. She tried to stop shivering and she tried to stop crying.  
  
"Come here…" Chandler said. "I'll let you use my tongue as a pacifier-substitute."  
  
Monica chuckled slightly through her tears and leaned in to him. He put his arms around her and gave her a soft French kiss.  
  
Monica ceased to cry, ended the kiss and leaned against his chest for some mental support. Chandler slowly stroke her back. He would have to wait to put her to the test like she'd done with him, this wasn't the time. She wasn't in the mental state to be teased and played with, even if it was done with lots of love and affection.  
  
He put his hands on her shoulders and pushed her away gently. He helped her get under the covers and then pulled her closer.  
  
Monica couldn't remember the last time she'd been through so many emotional storms in only one day. First nervosity that morning, then excitement to get to leave. Then joy to be home and lots of love for her family and friends. Then she and Chandler had had their long laugh together on the couch. And then the sexual part, which had been shortly followed by sadness. She wondered if she was going schizophrenic or something.  
  
She exhaled sadly and stroke Chandler's chest absentmindedly. Chandler seemed to be miles away as well, probably in surprise after all of her mood swings.  
  
She came close to telling him how much she loved him, but she knew that he already knew. And it somehow felt like words would be out of it's place at this moment. Like there was something very fragile in the room, and it would break at the sound of a voice.  
  
Monica let her head rest on his chest as well, and continued stroking him. She wondered if she would have still been alive if she had been single when she'd gotten the leukaemia. He had helped her through more than he could know, and without him she probably would be dead now. But it was hard to say if she would have survived without him by her side as a lover and soulmate. She had no idea weather or not she was strong enough to deal with it on her own. She hadn't had to find out either, since he had been there for her to rely on.  
  
"Oh god I love you so…" she whispered, quietly so that nothing would break.  
  
"Babe I love you too" he whispered back and begun stroking the back of her head. "It's always been you, Mon… My secret crush…"  
  
Monica didn't comment. She didn't know if he really meant it, or if that was just how it felt now, on the other side of marriage and love. Either way she knew he would be hers for as long as she was alive, which would be a lot longer than she'd thought just a month ago.  
  
"It's almost valentine's day" he softly said. "I've forgotten to get you anything… I've had other things to do."  
  
"It's enough that you give me you" she answered, sighing content. "And unless I get dressed quickly and run out to find a store open after 23:00, I'll be out of a gift for you too."  
  
"We've been there before" Chandler said with a smile.  
  
"Been there and back" Monica mumbled. "Thank you for you… That's the only thing you ever need to give me. I can do without material stuff."  
  
"Technically I'm material" she heard him say, and she hit him lightly with the hand that was stroking him.  
  
"Chandler just being near you is enough" she said, then yawned. "And being home is all I could ask for this valentine's day."  
  
Chandler closed his eyes. He had come extremely close to loosing her. It had been a wake-up call. He'd never fully realized how life without her would be until he'd been standing in the corner of her hospital room, watching a team of people dressed in white trying to bring her back to life. He never intended to forget, he was determined to love her each day as if it was the last one they had together. Never again would he forget exactly how important she was to him.  
  
  
  
Please review. Even if you didn't like it. Just let me know what you think... Oh, and to answer a question, this series is already completed and there are a total of 13 parts + an epiologue... So I wasn't joking when I talked about 12 parts... :)! 


	5. Always5

Always, 5  
  
  
INTRODUCTION: The next part. I only have one thing to say about this fic in advance, and that is that I know the ending is quite corny and it's totally un-me... But bare with me anyway, :)!  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the "Friends" characters. You all know who do.  
  
  
Monica threw herself on the couch and stretched out her arms.  
  
"I'm finally HOOOOOME!" she cried, ready to burst with joy.  
  
Chandler and Ross watched her, keeping in their laughter.  
  
The treatment was finally over. Monica had had a piece of Ross's bone marrow transplanted earlier that week, and was now officially declared as healthy.  
  
She sat up and grinned at the two men.  
  
"You know what the first thing I wanna do is?"  
  
"Throw a party?" Ross suggested.  
  
"Hardly. I'm not in a party mood."  
  
"So what is the first thing you wanna do?" Chandler asked.   
  
"You" Monica said, with a point. "Ross, get out of here."  
  
Ross shook his head and mumbled something about gratitude. He leaned over, kissed her on the cheek and then left. Chandler joined Monica on the couch.  
  
"So I'm the first thing you wanna do, huh?" he said with a grin.  
  
"Don't flatter yourself" Monica said, grinning back. "I was referring to your hair. You need a haircut."  
  
"You just wanted to do my hair?"  
  
"Yeah. And you should wash it too."  
  
Chandler made a face at her and rose again. Monica smiled at him lovingly.  
  
"Well, we're here…" she said. "We're out of the woods. We made it."  
  
"YOU made it" Chandler said with a warm smile.  
  
"With a little help from my friends" Monica said with a smile. She reached out her hand to him. "Come here, sit with me on the couch."  
  
Chandler sat down next to her and she begun stroking him gently with her right hand.  
  
"And of course with A LOT of help from you."  
  
"I didn't do anything… Except for force you to eat and look after our kid."  
  
"You did so much more than that… don't you know it?" Monica gave him a kiss. "Chandler… You didn't allow me to give up. I would probably have ended up giving up the fight if you hadn't been there to force me to keep on going. And you kept me from feeling sorry for myself and you took such good care of me."  
  
"You're my wife. Of course I took care of you."  
  
Monica kissed him again.  
  
"Well thank you anyway. You'll never know how much you meant to me through this whole thing. And after as well, of course."  
  
"Oh, but not before?" Chandler jokingly said, raising an eyebrow.  
  
Monica threw a pillow on him.  
  
Chandler smiled lovingly and pulled her onto his lap. He was overjoyed to have her back, completely healthy and as good as new. He kissed her on the neck, absentmindedly.  
  
"You know…" he said, "this has really made me realize that I didn't appreciate you before. Not as much as I should have."  
  
"You did."  
  
"No I didn't. I mean, yeah, I loved you with all my heart and everything, but it was like the everyday made the edge of it go away…"  
  
"Right… Would you please start speaking English though, just so Regina learns at least that language properly?" Monica said, running her hand through his hair.  
  
"What I mean is… well… I got used to you. Not in a bad sense in it self, because getting used to you is WONDERFUL, it's almost as wonderful as the fact that you married me and therefore wanted me to get used to you."  
  
"You and I look at marriage differently" Monica said with rolling eyes.  
  
"What I meant was that you wanted me to get to be with you that much. To see each other all the time and everything. That's what I mean by it. To get used to us being such a big part of each other's lives."  
  
"Sounds cute…"  
  
Chandler kissed her on the neck again, still absentmindedly.  
  
"It was like… well, our first years I never really had time to get used to everyday. Things were always happening, and we went from sneaking around to just being an ordinary couple in the sense that we each lived in our own apartments."  
  
"Even though we usually spent the night at the same place."  
  
"Yeah, but we still had the… choice… to get to be alone for the night. Anytime we needed distance we just spent a night alone, and then the next day we were back at wanting to spend as much time as we could with each other. I mean, that's why I asked if I could move in here in the first place. To get to be near you as much as I wanted to. To get home from work and to know you'd be there. I always hated it before when I got home and I wanted to see you, but then I had to go off looking for you. When we lived together we almost always knew where the other one was. Closeness. That's why I wanted us to live together. And I got it."  
  
"And everyday didn't come then?" Monica said, both amused and a bit touched. She was also a bit sentimental, remembering those things that all seemed to have taken place so long ago, when it in reality was only around six years ago.  
  
"Everyday came long after that" Chandler said. "First it was the whole thing of experiencing what it was like to live with someone you loved, instead of living with Joey. Not that I don't love Joey, but there's a difference between friendship-love and… love-love."  
  
Monica smiled slightly.  
  
"And I have to admit that it ruled having a gorgeous woman cook me dinner each evening!" Chandler said with a slight grin. "And it wasn't too bad to get to come home from a hard day at work and throw myself on YOUR bed instead of the one I had when I lived with Joey. The whole thing was great, and that feeling lasted for about two years. Not that it's gone now, but it became more ordinary after that. I forgot what it was like NOT living that way."  
  
"And now you remember?"  
  
"Now I remember."  
  
They sat quiet for a few seconds. Both were lost in thought. Then Chandler continued on his thread.  
  
"And then I made up my mind to propose. Not after two years, you know THAT, but after almost a year of living together… And I haven't ever told you how nervous I was about that. I mean, I knew you loved me and everything, but that didn't have to mean that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me."  
  
"Oh come on, you knew how attached I was to you!"  
  
"Yeah, well you can be attached to a guinea pig without wanting to spend the rest of your life with it" Chandler commented.  
  
"How many guinea pigs will live as long as people?" Monica said with a giggle.  
  
"Mr. Jingles!"  
  
"Mr. Jingles was a mouse, or a rat or something" Monica pointed out.  
  
"Anyway, if the wife would keep quiet then maybe the husband could finish the story?" Chandler said. "Now, as I said, I was extremely nervous. I'm surprised you didn't notice."  
  
"I thought you were still freaked out about the Hildy thing."  
  
"You know, that night when we went out to dinner and ran into Richard, I've told you that that was the night I'd planned on proposing originally, right?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Yeah. I was so nervous that evening that I'm surprised I even got my order right… Not to mention how surprised I am that I managed to get dressed, my hands were probably shaking like crazy! Then Richard came and of course made me just annoyed instead of nervous. Annoyed and a little jealous. Anyway, since you're the one I got engaged to, you know that shortly after we got engaged. And then there was the whole engagement thing to get used to, a new adventure if you wanna call it that. And before that had gotten old we got married. Which was even more fantastic. But I was very blue-eyed, I thought that getting married meant being together forever. Now I know that being married means being together for as long as, well as the vows say, until death do you part. I somehow thought that putting a ring on your finger automatically meant that we'd both live until we were around ninety, or something…"  
  
"Death is just physical parting" Monica claimed. "I wouldn't have left you even if I'd died. You'd always keep me near."  
  
"Sure, but as a memory. I couldn't treat you as if you were alive, because in that case I'd go crazy each time I realized that you were not… which would be often… It might work to TALK to someone who's dead, pretending she or he is alive, but trying to have sex with that person or, or dance with that person or… well, anything physically… wouldn't work. But when I stood there in front of that priest I was so sure that I'd live until I was really old, and you would be there every second."  
  
"That's my plan" Monica said with a smile. "Although not every SECOND. Every DAY will be enough. If we spend each second together we'd grow sick of it."  
  
"You know what I mean… And the feeling of getting to be together forever was so strong, and it felt like we were newlyweds for years…"  
  
"Chandler our fourth wedding anniversary is in July. How many years did you feel like we were newlyweds? We practically are!"  
  
"I know."  
  
She jokingly mocked him and gave him a kiss.  
  
"And then in December our second year you had a special present for me."  
  
"Yeah, bun in the oven."  
  
"Feels a bit odd calling it that now…" Chandler pondered. "After all, she's a year and a half by now."  
  
"20 months."  
  
"Well you sure knew what to get me for Christmas" Chandler joked. Then he chuckled. "And you were eight months along when we celebrated our second anniversary. You were so big."  
  
"Thanks a lot darling, women love to hear that" Monica said, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Yeah, well that's what you get for sleeping with men without using protection" Chandler teased lovingly.  
  
"I WAS using protection. You can never be safer than 99% unless your sterile."  
  
"Thank you for that wonderful biological lesson, Monica, but my story isn't finished."  
  
"I do know how the story goes."  
  
"Not from my point of view, you don't."  
  
"And what are you gonna say next, 'you screamed like a banshee when Regina was born'?" Monica said, giving him a light push.  
  
"No, SHE screamed like a banshee. I hardly heard peep out of you. But you know, I fell in love with you around a hundred times over again while you were pregnant. And then a few times more when you gave birth and then you lay there with this… red little thing in your arms…"  
  
"Also known as Regina…"  
  
"Well don't blame me for her being red and tiny!" Chandler said, jokingly. "And then I fell in love some more. With both of you. I really think that that period of our relationship was when it was as best. Not that it's been bad, but the whole thing brought us closer and everything…"  
  
"I guess that's when we first felt like a real family" Monica pondered.  
  
"Yeah, could be. But then after that I guess everyday came along… somewhere along the road. I mean, it was diapers, and day-care, and who's bought milk, and has anybody vacuumed, and who gets up in the middle of the night this time, and here are the bills and things like that… We had less time for each other and we weren't any longer the… only leading role in the other one's life, if I put it that way. There was the baby."  
  
"Chandler? You make it sound as if things got worse when we got Regina."  
  
"Not worse. And it's not Regina. It's parenthood, I guess. I mean, how much time did we have for talking and playing and erotica and things like that? Not to mention the fact that you don't get really horny when you've got an infant sleeping in your bed right next to you. But I think we handled it all really well. We got more teamed, sort of. Better at the team work thing. Learned how to interpret gestures and signals and stuff like that. Better than before, I mean."  
  
"Sure…" Monica said. "But honey, I've gotta ask… Is there a point to all of this pondering? Because the current subject of discussion is gonna be home in about two hours and I want you to welcome me home before she gets here."  
  
"Oh don't you worry, missy…" Chandler said with a sly smile. "But I guess I just got a bit sidetracked. And I'll be honest with you, somewhere during our third year together, during the second half of it most likely, I started to take you for granted. And I will never ever do that again, I swear to you!"  
  
"Chandler… It's okay to do that sometimes." Monica softly said. "Of course you have to realize that you have no control over how long you're gonna be together with someone, that's the way of life, but it doesn't mean that you have to be alert all the time. Sometimes you're allowed to just take the other one for granted, take it for granted that the person will be there when you get home, take it for granted that the person will go to sleep next to you at night. And that's all there is to that."  
  
"Sure, but I made it into a habit and I didn't even know it! I was always thankful that I had you, no one can come and tell me that I didn't know how fortunate I was, and still am. But I never thought about what it would be like if all of a sudden you weren't there anymore!"  
  
"Honey, I didn't think along those lines either. I just knew I had you at the moment, and that was all I needed."  
  
"I see it differently now" Chandler insisted. "You almost died, in fact you DID die for a few minutes, but for you it's not the same as for me. If you had died then your pain would have ended there. Mine would have just begun."  
  
"Don't be too sure…" Monica softly said and leaned closer to him and slowly stroke his arm.  
  
"Just having you away at the hospital made me uncomfortable, it made me miss you so much! And it was a wakeup call. It feels like this whole thing has been a wakeup call. 'Wake up Chandler and realize what you have and what you can loose'!"  
  
"Chandler my cancer had no hidden meanings and no alternative motives. It was a disease, from beginning to end, and it had to do with physics and biology, not with your soul or anything else." She was quiet for a second. "But it probably had that affect on you."  
  
"I'm very scared of loosing what I have" Chandler whispered. "Loosing you. Or loosing Gina. Or any of the guys. But mostly you and Regina. It's so strange, I've never even THOUGHT about the fact that Regina was mortal earlier… It's just been such an obviousness to me that she would survive us both. But I've seen children at the hospital who've died, one of them was only five years old, Monica!"  
  
"I think every parent sees it as something obvious that they'll die before their children." Monica said. "That doesn't make you a bad father!"  
  
"I didn't say that either. In fact, I know I'm a good father. Believe me, Regina hasn't let me think anything else. And it's not about being a good parent or not. It's about knowing what you have and appreciating it. And knowing that it's all just loaned to you. And the person you loaned it from might want it back when you least expect it!"  
  
"Enough of being deep!" Monica said and kissed him. "I want my welcome home and I want it now!"  
  
*  
  
A year passed. Regina was now two years old and talking almost perfectly. She was, as Chandler put it, becoming a small human being, in the sense that she showed her personality more clearly and she had opinions on this or that.  
  
Monica entered the apartment and looked around. She put the bills on the kitchen table and went over to the couch, thinking for herself that they needed a bigger place. Their apartment wasn't small, but it wasn't big enough for a two-year-old with all of her toys and her incredible energy. Right now she was out in the park with her Dad, her Uncle and her uncle Joey. Monica was alone in the apartment.  
  
She sat down on the couch and rested her chin in her palm. Life was pretty strange right now. It had been so ever since her cancer.  
  
When she'd gotten home from the hospital, she had noticed Chandler's eagerness to love her as if every day was his or her last, and to do anything at all for her. At first she had thought it was sweet, but when he didn't knock it off she began feeling uncomfortable. He was going too far in the other direction and what he needed was to find a balance. He had somehow gotten the idea into his head that the best way was to love her with all of his heart each day, in the sense that he'd never allow himself to not devote lots of energy to it.  
  
Monica sure didn't mind being loved that way if it happened a few times a week or even a few times a day. But when it was constantly it made her feel slightly trapped. She wanted to be able to spend an evening just reading in bed with him next to her, but that was impossible now. Chandler would either want to hold her, kiss her, talk to her or in some other way demonstrate his affection. Monica really felt like they weren't on the same level.  
  
Monica had always thought that you should love just the same way you did everything else. In doses, some smaller and some bigger. She felt it was better to just let it be unsaid sometimes how much they loved each other, to let the emotion be there in the shadows. She knew he loved her, he didn't have to show her constantly. She felt like the times when they expressed their love were more special if they didn't happen all the time when they were around each other. And she also knew that people might get sick of them if they always had to express their love.  
  
She also had a feeling that the rest of Chandler's emotional life suffered from this. There was only so much energy that a man could spend on his emotions, and if Chandler spent almost all of his on her, then what about their friends? He was just as before with Regina, he never set her aside, but their four friends probably got less of his enthusiasm and appreciation.  
  
Monica frowned. She should talk about this with Chandler. But how? And when?  
  
*  
  
Chandler pushed himself onto Monica and moaned along with her. He lovingly looked at her. He loved feeling her body under his own. And he loved watching her face while they made love.  
  
He leaned in to kiss her when all of a sudden he heard the door open.  
  
Quickly but mechanically Monica grabbed a pillow and covered their upper bodies, that weren't under the quilt. Chandler stopped moving and silently cursed. Regina was at her grandparents', so it had to be one of their friends. And he didn't understand what they were doing there.  
  
Joey stopped in his tracks when he realized that they were busy with something he had no business seeing, and his eyes grew slightly wide in shock. He hadn't expected to catch them in the act. He had just been interested in knowing if they felt like going out for pizza.  
  
"And what the hell do YOU want?" Chandler hissed at him, when he saw who it was. "To clap the rhythm? Joey get out!"  
  
"Uh, later! Sorry!" Joey said and quickly left them alone again.  
  
Chandler mumbled annoyed and shook his head. He looked down at Monica who had a weird look on her face that quickly turned into a slight smile.  
  
"Honey… maybe you should calm down a few" she gently suggested. "Joey didn't walk in on us on purpose!"  
  
"He's got ears, doesn't he?" Chandler said, still slightly annoyed.  
  
"Don't think about that right now…"  
  
"Well excuse me for not wanting to be interrupted while I'm having sex!"  
  
Monica gently stroke his cheek and wished he would calm down a bit. She kissed him gently on the earlobe.  
  
"What, do you think I'm done for now?" she teased. "Come on mister, show me that rhythm you talked about…"  
  
*  
  
Fifteen minutes later Monica exited the bedroom, wrapped in her robe. Chandler was asleep. Her four friends were on the couch, eyeing her.  
  
"What?" she said and sat down on the couch next to Rachel. "You didn't know Chandler and I had sex?"  
  
"No, it's not that…" Rachel said. "Monica, have you noticed that Chandler has been a bit, well…" Rachel harked, not knowing how to tell Chandler's wife what she wanted to say. "Aggressive… lately?"  
  
"Rach, he's never been aggressive with me."  
  
"Well the rest of us have gotten our punches every here and there" Ross said.  
  
Monica's chin fell.  
  
"He's HIT you?"  
  
"No Monica, not PHYSICALLY!"  
  
"Well what do you mean?"  
  
The four friends looked at each other, no one really willing to open their mouth and talk. Finally Joey did.  
  
"We, we just mean that it's as if Chandler doesn't have any patience with us anymore. He gets mad for almost everything!"  
  
"Does not!" Monica objected. "Joey, we were having sex and you walked in on us! He kinda' had the right to be mad."  
  
"Then how come you weren't?"  
  
Monica bit her lower lip. She wasn't mad because she didn't think it was anything to get mad about. At least not as annoyed as Chandler had been.  
  
"Look, you guys…" she said. "I'm going to talk to him, okay? I promise."  
  
"What is even going on with him?" Phoebe asked. "And how come you never get his anger?"  
  
"Well…" Monica said, uncomfortable. She didn't want to talk about Chandler like this when he was in the next room, even if he was sleeping. "See, after I had the cancer… well… Chandler's been very afraid to loose me. And not just of loosing me, but of forgetting that I mean a lot to him, and… I think he's afraid something is going to happen with me again, and that he will feel like he's not given me the love and affection that he would want to have given me…" Monica looked down on her hands. "I think he's scared that something will happen to me and that he will feel when it does as if he's not showed me how he loves me, and not given me all he would want to."  
  
"Cute story" Rachel said. "Although you sound a bit self aware."  
  
Monica rolled her eyes.  
  
"Rachel, I was not finished!" she pointed out. "Chandler seems to be devoting all of his energy to showing me and Regina how much he loves us, even though we're both aware of that without him showing us constantly. And this leaves him with less energy to show the rest of you that he cares. So instead he ends up loosing his temper with you long before with Gina and me."  
  
"Well then talk to him" Ross said. "If we do it he might get mad."  
  
"I will. Trust me."  
  
Monica rose and went into the bedroom. She smiled lovingly when she saw him asleep, tangled in the sheets. She snuck down next to him and kissed him gently on the cheek. She knew he was acting a bit bad towards his friends, but she couldn't be mad at him when she saw him like his.  
  
"Wakie, wakie…" she gently said and kissed his forehead again. "Simon says, time to wake up."  
  
Chandler mumbled something and put his arms around her. He rolled over on his back and pulled her closer before he opened his eyes.  
  
"Someone's put a robe on…" he commented.  
  
"Chandler I need to talk to you. It's kind of important."  
  
"As important as this?" he asked and kissed her neck.  
  
"Chandler leave my neck alone right now. We need to talk."  
  
"About what? There's nothing to talk about. We were fine just a few minutes ago."  
  
"Chandler I know how you've felt ever since I got well again, about your responsibility to love me and Regina as much as you can. But honey you've gotta stop that."  
  
"Stop that?" Chandler echoed. "What, I'm not allowed to love you two anymore?"  
  
"Of course you are! It's not about that. It's about you needing to find a balance in your emotions. You, you, you devote pretty much all of your emotions to Regina and me, and that's not good for anyone."  
  
"So now my love isn't good for anyone?" Chandler said, defensive.  
  
"Misunderstand me correctly here" Monica said. "One of the best things about you is the way you love. But lately it's been too much. Too much for me, because I often feel like I can't match the image you seem to have of me, and I can't always be expected to show you just how much I love you either. Because even though I love you to death Chandler, sometimes it's better to let it be unsaid. Words and actions looses it's power if you use it too much, and I think it's better if us showing each other how much we care is something we don't do all the time. It makes the times when we do show it more special."  
  
"No, Monica. I don't want to be one of those husbands who only tells his wife that he loves her about once a month, and who's words of love are about as common as snow in the rain forest."  
  
"That's not what I want you to be either, but there has to be a middle path to this…"  
  
"It's not about SHOWING you that I love you" Chandler said, sounding slightly hurt. "It's about never letting myself forget how special you are, or what life would be like without you. THAT'S what this is about."  
  
"That is all very fine, Chandler" Monica assured him. "But you know, I'm very well aware of how special YOU are, yet I don't feel the need to show you all the time."  
  
Chandler scoffed slightly.  
  
"Listen…" Monica said. "Love me with all of your heart, just like I do with you, but tone down the displaying of the emotion. It's not good for Regina either, she's still so little, she gets a lot of pressure on her this way… I know it's not your intention, but this kind of thing has that affect on a child, it makes her feel like you've got an image of her that she can't live up to, so she's got to try her best to do so. And that's a lot of pressure on a two-year-old."  
  
"Regina knows that I love her no matter who she is."  
  
"No she doesn't. *I* know you do, but a child can't see it that way. And even if she does, that will also have the same affect in the end, because then she'll be busting her ass to be even more perfect so you will be proud of her. She'll be very scared of letting you down."  
  
"Is there more, or can I be left alone now?" Chandler said, hurt and angry.  
  
"Chandler…" Monica said, turning around in his arms so that she could look into his face. "Don't think that your love is wasted on us. We appreciate it, we do. And we both love you back. You're our hero."  
  
"And I want to be left alone."  
  
"Well actually, I wasn't done yet…" Monica said, getting a sigh from Chandler. "It's not just me and Regina… Chandler I'm your wife and I think it's my responsibility to be brisk sometimes, to tell you the truth. And the truth is that you're neglecting our friends. Not on purpose, but as a result of how you're with Regina and me. They've all asked me what is up with you these days, you often loose temper with them… Like with Joey, earlier."  
  
"I reserve the right to be mad when he walks in on us like that."  
  
"But you got a little TOO mad… Your quippy comment to him was unnecessary. And they all love you too, you shouldn't forget about them. You should try and spread your love to all of us. Of course Regina and I would get much more than the rest, but remember to love them too."  
  
"Whatever happened to 'Lay All Your Love On Me' being your favourite ABBA song?" Chandler sarcastically remarked.  
  
"You're not wasting your emotion if you give some of it to our friends" Monica said.  
  
"Maybe not, but I am sharing my devotion if I do… not to mention how I'm not laying all my love on you."  
  
"All the kind of love that matters to me" Monica pointed out. "Because I don't need to have monopoly on all your love, just on all the… romantic love, if you know what I mean. Listen, I know you're offended, but I really thought you needed to hear this. I love you."  
  
She kissed him on the mouth. He didn't kiss her back. She realized with a sting of hurt that this was the first time since her cancer that he hadn't responded to her love. She rose and exited the bedroom, leaving him alone.  
  
*  
  
Monica came home early and sat down on the couch. It was a year later, in the middle of the summer. The weather was great, and she was planning on going out to the park later on with Rachel and Phoebe.  
  
She saw the photo album on the coffee table and smiled to herself. She picked it up and opened it. Chandler had almost completely gotten rid of his habit of making weird faces on photos. Monica had started the process by mostly just taken candid pictures of him, and gradually he had started to realize that the pictures looked better without him making weird faces.  
  
The most recent picture in the album had been taken a month earlier, when Chandler and Monica took Regina to a carnival. Chandler was kneeling down with Regina, and was busy trying to avoid her getting her cotton candy in her hair. Monica had taken the picture, so she wasn't in it. Monica looked at it with a loving smile.  
  
Chandler had taken the criticism Monica had given him the year before quite well. He'd toned down his display of affection towards her and Regina, and apologized to their friends. Monica knew that he was still just as set at loving them as much as he could has he had been before, but at least now he didn't show it as clearly.  
  
She still had trouble understanding why he felt like it was so important. Monica preferred to live for the day and enjoying the love she felt. Love to her was a privilege, not an obligation, and she was set on enjoying it in ordinary life instead of constantly having to worry that it would one day be no more. She already knew that she wasn't going to get to live like this forever, that everything had to end sometime. Chandler would most likely die before she did, since he was a few years older than her and a man. If they both stayed free from accidents and diseases, she would most likely become a widow sometime around the age of seventy or eighty. But she couldn't know when that would be, so why worry about it?  
  
It seemed to her as if Chandler was too busy loving her that he didn't take the time to enjoy it. He didn't seem to enjoy anymore to just soak in a bath all by himself and enjoy being loved by her, or to watch a movie with her and enjoy her company.  
  
But at least he had tuned town his strong urge to show her constantly how much he cared. And she appreciated that. She rose and put the photo album back, then went back to the couch.  
  
The phone rang, and Monica answered. It was Rachel.  
  
"Oh hi Rachel! I was just about to call you, where and when are we going to meet?" She rose and continued to talk, not letting Rachel get a word in. "I've pretty much just gotten through the door, and I need at least fifteen minutes before I can get ready to go anywhere. I could really use a shower, and something to eat, plus I should get changed…"  
  
"Monica" Rachel said, trying to get her attention.  
  
"Actually, why don't we say thirty minutes?" Monica continued. "And we can meet at the coffee house. It's so warm out today that I don't want any coffee, but some lemonade or something wouldn't be too bad. What do you think?"  
  
"Monica, maybe the park isn't such a good idea today…" Rachel carefully suggested.  
  
"What? Why not?"  
  
"Honey, maybe you should turn on the news."  
  
"The news?"  
  
"Yeah… Call me later if you want Phoebs and I to come over…"  
  
"Well, wasn't that almost the plan? Rachel what are you on about?"  
  
"Just turn on the news, and call me back later, okay?" Rachel said.  
  
Monica heard her hang up. She looked at the phone, confused, and hung up herself. She grabbed the remote and turned the TV on, searching for any channel where the news was on. She wondered what it was that was so important. After a minute she found a channel airing news, and she put the remote down on the table. Her eyes grew wide as she realized what the story she was seeing was about.  
  
Some terrorist organisation was holding an entire building hostage, waiting for their demands to be met. And just like any terrorists in an action movie, they were threatening to kill one of the hostages each half hour before their demands were met. Monica didn't hear what their demands were, but she didn't really care. She knew the building far too well, it was where Chandler worked.  
  
She covered her mouth with her hand when it slowly sank in that Chandler was in there. That Chandler might not even be alive. The news anchor said that five people had already been killed, but they gave no names. And so far it had only been twenty minutes since the terrorists had taken over the building, so no hostage had been killed yet. But Monica had no way of knowing if they would kill Chandler.  
  
She closed her eyes hard and tried not to hyperventilate and panic. She swallowed hard and closed her eyes even harder. This was horrible. She had no way of knowing how he was doing, or if he was even still alive. The anchor had said nothing about anybody getting out of the building this far, so she couldn't hope that he'd gotten out before the terrorists had taken over. And it wasn't lunch time, so she couldn't hope he was out on lunch either.  
  
She resisted an urge to go down there to see for herself, to see and hear what was going on. She realized with a little common sense that she would know a whole lot more watching TV than she would being on the spot, because the TV anchors always seemed to get all the updates at once.  
  
Monica felt a chill down her spine when she thought of the fact that just a few minutes ago she had been thinking that she would become a widow, that she would be the last one of them to die. She had pictured this happening way into the future, but she had thought that that was only if nothing unexpected happened, like an accident or a disease.  
  
'Or a bunch of angry terrorists who want some stupid demand met…' she added now in her thought.  
  
Slowly she sank down on the couch, shivering with the light shock and fear, and unable to grasp it.  
  
"Oh Chandler, please be all right…" she begged, and kept her tears back behind her closed eyes when the anchor said that the first hostage had been executed.  
  
  
  
Please review. You must have some opinion on it if you've read these many parts... :)!  



	6. Always6

Always, 6  
  
  
INTRODUCTION: Not my best piece of work, but it continues where part 5 left off.  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the "Friends" characters.  
  
  
Monica felt the knot in her stomach grow tighter, as the news anchors kept silent, not coming with any new updates. They were showing pictures taken from a police helicopter or something, and just repeating the facts that they had already stated.  
  
A thousand different things were going through Monica's head. Fear, hope, guilt and numerous other emotions along with uncountable thoughts.  
  
She realized with a jab of pain that she now knew exactly what Chandler had been talking about ever since her disease. And all her previous thoughts about just taking the day as it came and all that, were gone. They were replaced by loads of guilt, because she felt like she'd not loved Chandler at all as much as she should have, and she sure hadn't let him know how much she loved him. Just as Chandler had talked about, the fear of not realizing that until it was too late…  
  
She felt her nails hurting her palms as she clenched her hands even harder, but she didn't mind, or even care. She knew she should stay calm, since the odds were on her side, there was a low probability that Chandler had been one of the so far seven dead , but at the same time she knew that somewhere in New York, other people were thinking that same thought, and for seven of them it had to be a lie.  
  
"Hey Mon!" Chandler said, entering with Regina.  
  
Monica looked up at him, just stared at him, not understanding anything. How come he was all of a sudden in the apartment, and not at work? She was too shocked to even be thankful at first, then she threw herself on the remote and turned the TV on and then flew to her feet.  
  
"Chandler!" she exclaimed. "You're, you're here! You're not at work, you're here!"  
  
"I know" Chandler said, confused. He didn't even seem to know that his work was taken over by terrorists at the moment. And how come he wasn't there?  
  
"Oh thank god you're not at work, why aren't you at work?" she asked, slowly letting the new shock sink in.  
  
"Gina had a dental appointment, remember?" he said, hanging his and Regina's jackets up. "We've been to the dentist."  
  
"I didn't have any holes!" Regina bragged.  
  
Monica didn't listen. She realized in a second two things, that she'd never understood what it would feel like if Chandler was all of a sudden gone, and that he was completely safe and hadn't been anywhere near his work in almost two hours.  
  
She hurried up to him, not even casting a glance at her daughter, and threw her arms around him. She kissed him passionately, hungrily and needingly.  
  
Chandler didn't understand what was going on, but he wasn't about to say no to a kiss like that. He gently put his arms around her and kissed her back, more softly.  
  
Regina looked up at them and shook her head. Her parents' kissing habits were a mystery to her, she didn't even understand why they wanted to lock their mouths to each other like that at all. Both had their eyes closed and she could hear small moaning sounds from them a few times. She shook her head again and went off to her room to play.  
  
Chandler finally ended the kiss very softly, and took a deep breath. He looked down at Monica, who was staring right into his eyes, looking amazed.  
  
"I have no idea what I did to deserve that, but my oh my do I hope I start doing it often…" he said, breath taken. "I haven't gotten a kiss like that in my entire life!"  
  
"I'm just so glad you're here!" Monica said and kissed him on the lips. "So very, very glad you're here…"  
  
"I could tell" Chandler said with a chuckle.  
  
Monica kissed him again, more eagerly this time, and pressed him even closer. She wanted to feel that he really was there with her, alive and unharmed. And Chandler was more than willing to be kissed and pressed close. He kissed her back with all of his love, and enjoyed every second as much as he could. Monica softly ended the kiss and felt an urge for more.  
  
Chandler looked deep into her eyes and could read in them what she wanted from him. He gave her a light kiss on the lips, the grinned at her.  
  
"I love you in this mood…" he said. "But there is a three-year-old in the next room. Wait until tonight."  
  
"I don't want to wait" Monica said, kissing him hungrily. "I can't wait!"  
  
"Sorry my dear, but you're going to have to. Regina is right in the next room, and she is awake."  
  
Monica broke them embrace and went into Regina's room. She lifted her up and carried her out in the living room. Chandler watched her, having no idea what she was up to.  
  
"Regina, sweetie, go across the hall to uncle Joey and tell him to follow you to auntie Phoebe and auntie Rachel. And uncle Ross."  
  
"Why?" Regina asked.  
  
"Because I want you to tell them that daddy is home safe, okay? Could you tell them that?"  
  
"Okay!"  
  
Monica put Regina down, and she ran across the hall to get her uncle Joey to take her to her aunties and Uncle. Monica closed the door when she saw that Regina was talking to Joey, and then turned to Chandler again.  
  
"That I'm home safe?" he asked, looking like a question mark. "What about Gina?"  
  
"I'll tell you later, not now!" Monica said, and walked back into his arms. She kissed him again and wanted nothing more than to go a bit further.  
  
Chandler pressed her close and wanted the same thing. He couldn't figure out exactly what was going on, but whatever it was he liked it. She hadn't been this passionate and this eager for years. There was almost something desperate over her kisses.  
  
They went into the bedroom and kissed again. Monica just couldn't get enough. She now knew what Chandler had been saying about feeling like you've gotten a wakeup call, a scare, and feeling like you've gotten what matters the most to you back.  
  
"That was…" Chandler said afterwards, "intense. Absolutely fabulous but so intense."  
  
"You don't like intensity?" Monica asked, snuggling even closer.  
  
"Sure I do. But it makes me wonder what exactly you were up to before I got home."  
  
Monica was quiet for a second. She didn't want to ruin the moment by telling him the story, but she didn't want to lie to him.  
  
"I was… watching TV. The news. Chandler, there's… well, there's this group of terrorists that have taken over the building where you work."  
  
"What?" Chandler said.  
  
"Everybody in the building are being kept hostage and they've shot a few. I don't know if I had forgotten about Regina's dental appointment or if I didn't even know about it in the first place, but either way I thought that you were in the building. And I was so scared, I had no idea weather or not you were alive… or if you were hurt."  
  
"Okay, man in shock!" Chandler said, sitting up in bed. "You, you're telling me that people at my work are being held hostage, that you thought I was too and that you'd forgotten about the dentist?"  
  
"Just imagine how I felt when you got home…" Monica said with a slight smile. "You probably felt it."  
  
"Yeah, your actions were speaking pretty clearly…" he mumbled. "So… Mon, what, I mean, this terrorist thing, what exactly is going on?"  
  
"I don't even know that" Monica said. "All I know is that you're safe. That you could have been dead or hurt, but you're not, you are here with me! And Chandler, now I understand everything!"  
  
"Everything what?"  
  
"Everything you have been saying since my cancer… everything you have been feeling… The thing you've talked about, being on the brink of loosing someone and realizing that you've not loved that person enough or showed that person your love enough… I felt all of that today. And I realized for the first time what you've really been doing these years, what your real… motive… has been."  
  
Chandler wiped of a few tears that had fallen down her cheeks and then kissed her gently.  
  
"I honestly knew that you didn't understand before…" he said softly. "But I think you need something like this to make you open your eyes and see."  
  
"I know" Monica whispered and kissed him lovingly.  
  
Chandler leaned back down on her and concentrated on her completely. Slowly he made love to her again, and afterwards he held her tight as she slept for a short while. He had to shake her awake and remind her that their daughter could be home in any second, and they got out of bed together.  
  
Regina came back home thirty minutes later together with the others, who had realized that Monica and Chandler probably had wanted some time alone.  
  
Chandler hugged them back when they put their arms around him, but he felt a bit distant. People he knew were after all in that building, and people he knew might be dead.  
  
He sat on the couch together with Rachel and Ross and watched the news special in silence. Phoebe took Regina to play in her room, to keep her away from the story on the news, and Joey helped Monica cook dinner. All six of them spoke as little as possible, yet the mood didn't feel tense.  
  
Regina came back out from the living room and looked around, then placed her hands on her hips.  
  
"Why is everyone so quiet?" she asked. "What are you watching on TV?"  
  
"Sports" the adults immediately answered in one voice. Regina hated sports.  
  
The child eyed them, then went back to play with Phoebe.  
  
*  
  
After that incident, things were different. Chandler was no longer the only one who'd had the scare of a close call, and Monica reacted almost the same way as Chandler had. All of a sudden they were both just as eager to show their feelings for each other and never let the other one or themselves forget. But Monica quickly decided that they had to be careful, otherwise they would both end up being like Chandler had been the year before.  
  
It seemed easier for the two to avoid that together than it had been for Chandler to do it alone, and he soon realized that it was probably because this time he felt like she was on his side. Earlier on she hadn't know what he knew and she hadn't felt things the way he had. That hade forced him to devote more energy to her, because then she hadn't know what it was he was doing, really. But now she knew.  
  
They both started to spend their time together more intensely. When they were down at the coffee house Monica mostly sat in Chandler's lap, to get more closeness, and the same thing whenever they were on a couch together. They didn't seem to be able to get enough of the physical contact, because both felt as if they showed the other one their love just by touching them.  
  
They seemed to be doing everything with a little more intensity, weather it was cooking dinner or kissing. They both knew that they might loose what they had, and they both wanted to make sure that they spent the time they had together loving each other and their daughter as much as they could. They stopped keeping secrets from each other, and if they had any complains on the other one they said it right away. They didn't want any mistakes or misunderstandings between them anymore.  
  
A year went by, and after a few months Chandler and Monica toned it down a little. Monica remembered what she'd thought earlier about finding a middle road, and talked to Chandler about it. They were both scared that one of them or both of them would get sick of it or feel trapped because of the intensity. Instead of giving 110% to each other all the time, they let the most of it be unsaid. They soon found that that way worked much better, since the deepest feeling are hard to put into words anyway. And they went back to just sitting really close to each other instead of sitting in each other's lap. But neither of them forgot their close calls in the past, and when they were alone in their bedroom they acted as if nothing existed except for them. They talked for a long time almost every night, and slept close together.  
  
*  
  
Chandler was in bed with a newspaper. It was March, and quite dark outside. He yawned slightly and came across the article he had been looking for.  
  
Monica got into bed next to him without a word. She scooted over to him and lay down in her usual manner with her head on his shoulder and her arm on his chest. She glanced at the paper.  
  
"Whatc'ha reading?"  
  
"A review of my mother's latest book…" Chandler mumbled, reaching for his glasses on the nightstand. "It apparently takes place in ancient Greece. Looks like my mother's taken a hint from Jean M Auel…"  
  
"Or any other author who's written about times BC" Monica said with a chuckle. She sighed content and closed her eyes.  
  
Chandler moved his right arm so that it was around her instead of by her face. It was more comfortable that way. He finished reading the review, but kept the paper in his hands for a while, while his mind got lost in thought.  
  
He took a quick glance at his wife, who seemed to be close to sleeping. He remembered before she had gotten sick, how she always used to snuggle up to him like she'd done now when they were going to sleep. He remembered how he often let her drift off, and then rolled her over to her own side. It had now been two years since the last time he'd slept without touching her in any way. He realized that he had forgotten what it was like to go to sleep without someone in your arms or with an arm around you.  
  
Monica was also lost in thought. She was as usual overwhelmed by the love she was feeling, and the love she was receiving. And she was very thankful that he was there with her. She rarely fell asleep in any other way than she was laying right now, and she realized with a smile that it had been a long time since her head had rested on a pillow.  
  
She knew that their friends sometimes wished that they would both take some distance from each other, but they didn't know what she and Chandler knew. There was something so special about the way they were feeling when they were together, or just thinking about the other one. His love had even made her almost forget about the fact that she was most likely sterile. She hadn't even bothered to check if she really was, since she didn't feel like it mattered. She wanted another baby, another little person to love and to raise, but she knew she would have a great life even without one. She had her daughter and she had her husband and that was all she seemed to need.  
  
Chandler stared at the ceiling and stroke her right shoulder. He wished she would let her hair grow long again. She had kept it short, never growing longer than her shoulders, ever since Regina had been born, and he thought she looked great in that hairstyle. But he missed having her long hair to play with and to run his fingers through. He thought about telling her that he would like her to let it grow long again, but then changed his mind.  
  
Regina, on the other hand, had never had short hair once her hair had grown past her chin. Monica only let her hair get cut a few centimetres each time, and by now Regina's hair was down by her waist. Monica seemed to get her lust to comb long hair and make new hairstyles out of it satisfied by experimenting on Regina's hair, and Regina didn't seem to mind at all. Chandler knew that Monica probably wasn't very interested in letting it grow long again.  
  
He took his glasses off and carefully placed them on the nightstand along with the paper. He closed the lights and put his left arm around Monica as well, and heard on her breath that she was asleep.  
  
*  
  
Monica whistled to herself and let her hair down. It was August, two weeks after Regina's fourth birthday and around six weeks after hers and Chandler's sixth anniversary. She had started to let her hair grown long again, and her hair had always grown fast. It reached down to her shoulders by now and she had started to wear it in pony tails again to get it out of her face.  
  
She cast a glance at the clock and gave a slight thought to dinner. She wasn't in the mood for food. She felt slightly nauseous. Regina had had the stomach flue three days earlier, and Monica was just waiting for when she would get it herself. Chandler had had it the next day but so far Monica had managed to stay well.  
  
She rose and went into the kitchen, where she found a note from Chandler. He'd stayed home from work to recover from his stomach flue and had decided to take Regina out for a pizza when Monica ran a little late.  
  
Monica shrugged her shoulders and thought that maybe she should be staying home from work as well since she wouldn't want to spread stomach flue at a restaurant. She went over to the kitchen table and picked up some leftover lasagne. The person who had ordered it had gotten into a fight with her date and left before the food arrived. Instead of throwing it away, Monica had brought it home. She usually brought home food when she could, and she felt thankful that she didn't have to start cooking again.  
  
She heated the lasagne and had dinner with Joey, who came over to get his share of the food. He'd had the stomach flue as well, and wasn't as hungry as usual. They had both felt like it was a good solution to split the lasagne between them. Joey took off again after dinner.  
  
Monica sat down on the couch and started feeling better. Maybe she would be able to avoid getting sick after all.  
  
Chandler and Regina came home a short while later, discussing which colour was the better, blue or yellow. Monica smiled, rose and thought that she ought to record their discussion and sell it as a promotion speech to either Ukraine or Sweden.  
  
"Hey you two" she said with a smile and went up to them.  
  
"Hey mommy" Regina said from her place on her father's arm. "Which colour do you like the better, yellow or blue?"  
  
"Blue."  
  
"You always take daddy's side" Regina said, rolling her eyes. "Don't you listen to the Beatles, mommy?"  
  
"Yes I do, and I would not want to live in a yellow submarine" Monica said. "And young lady, your bedtime is now."  
  
"I knew it" Regina sighed.  
  
Monica grabbed her and lifted her over from Chandler's arms to her own. She groaned.  
  
"Regina, you're getting to heavy for mommy to carry around…"  
  
"Then don't carry me. I can walk on my own. Daddy never complains."  
  
"Daddy's stronger than mommy."  
  
"He is not!"  
  
Monica smiled.  
  
"I think he is. Look." She placed herself next to Chandler so that the small of their arms were next to one and other's. "See? My arm is much thinner."  
  
"That's not muscles, that's fat!" Regina claimed. "Daddy's just chubby, that's all!"  
  
"Ouch" Chandler remarked. "I guess this means I shouldn't take you out for pizza anymore, then."  
  
"Don't blame me!" Regina said.  
  
Monica rolled her eyes amused, and walked towards Regina's room. She stopped in the living room and turned around to talk to Chandler.  
  
"Honey maybe you should join a gym again" she said with a slight laugh.  
  
"Oh ha ha, very funny" Chandler said.  
  
"I can't picture daddy at the gym" Regina said. "He prefers to watch sports instead of actually playing them."  
  
"You know, for a four-year-old you talk and awful lot" Chandler said.  
  
"Yeah, well for a man you weight an awful lot" Regina replied.  
  
Monica burst out laughing but managed to disguise it as a couch. Almost. Chandler wasn't really overweight, she knew Regina was just coming with a snappy reply without really knowing what she was saying. And that was the amusing part.  
  
"Yeah, well excuse me Miss. Bing," Chandler said to his daughter, "it may be genetical. You'll probably be as chubby as I am when you reach my age."  
  
"No, I'm gonna look like mommy" Regina said.  
  
Monica couldn't help but chuckling.  
  
"Looks like she's winning this battle, honey!" she said.  
  
"Yeah, and I must say that I'm very thankful that you're taking my side" Chandler said with rolling eyes and sat down on the couch.  
  
"At least you can carry her around without your back hurting" Monica said, as a comfort. "That must mean you've got SOME muscles more than me."  
  
"I think daddy's just more steady" Regina suggested. "That makes it easier for him to carry me."  
  
"I don't think that was meant as a compliment" Chandler said with a slight smile.  
  
"You know Regina," Monica said, "it's not like your daddy's gotten fatter over the years. He hasn't gained more than a few pounds since mommy and daddy started dating."  
  
"So?" Regina said.  
  
"So, I like him better this way" Monica said. Then she mischievously grinned at Chandler. "There's much more of him to love, you know."  
  
"Well excuse me, Miss. Skeleton" Chandler replied.  
  
"Oh come on honey, I didn't say it was a bad thing. I prefer it when you don't look bony. Like you did around the time I dated Pete Becker. That was a bit thinner than you should be."  
  
"Who's Pete Becker?" Regina asked.  
  
"I hate hugging a man who's bones you can feel just by resting your chin on his shoulder" Monica said to Chandler, ignoring Regina. "So don't feel bad. And you know she's just interested in a little word battle anyway."  
  
Regina was bored with her mother's statements, and started playing with Monica's hair instead. She gave it a little pull.  
  
"Ow, careful, don't yank mommy's hair…" Monica said, carefully loosening Regina's grip of her hair. "Yank your own."  
  
"Yanking my own is no fun. On the other hand yours is no fun to yank either."  
  
"Then yank daddy's" Monica suggested, smiling.  
  
"Yank what hair?" Regina said. "Daddy's got short hair. And if you yank it you pull it loose. Daddy should be bald by now."  
  
Chandler gave up and rose from the couch.  
  
"I suggest that you're nice, otherwise I'm gonna give Dumbo to cousin Ben" he said, giving an empty threat.  
  
Monica smiled when she saw the look on Regina's face. Dumbo was her favorite stuffed animal together with the bunny. Chandler gave Monica a sly smile and blinked at her. Now he wouldn't be getting anymore comments from Regina. At least not tonight. Or so he thought.  
  
"Why did you marry daddy?" Regina asked Monica.  
  
"Why?" Monica said, confused.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"Because I really love him."  
  
"Why do you love him?"  
  
"I knew it…" Chandler mumbled.  
  
"Well, I love you daddy," Regina assured him, "but that's because you're my daddy. And you're not mommy's daddy. So why does she love you?"  
  
"What, you don't think I'm lovable?" Chandler asked, walking up to them.  
  
"Yeah, but I don't understand how come you and mommy love each other."  
  
"Here's a kid who's not against divorce" Chandler said to Monica, only half sarcastic and slightly surprised.  
  
"I think what she doesn't understand is how two people can love each other when they're not related" Monica guessed.  
  
"How come you love daddy?" Regina asked again.  
  
"Well, because…" Monica said, trying to think of an exact reason.  
  
Chandler crossed his arms.  
  
"Well, well, well… Now the can's open, huh?" he said.  
  
"I just, there are so many reasons" Monica said, trying to squirm away from the question. She'd never reflected over what exactly it had been that had made her fall in love.  
  
"Like what?" Regina asked.  
  
"Yeah Mon, like what?" Chandler asked.  
  
"Like… Oh I don't know, like how nice he is."  
  
"Don't you think uncle Joey is nice?" Regina asked. She was obviously puzzled over the weird phenomenon that was love.  
  
"Sure, uncle Joey is VERY nice."  
  
"So do you love him too?" Regina asked.  
  
"Not the same way I love daddy" Monica said. "You know, I can't explain this, it's too complicated."  
  
"Love is easy, Monica" Chandler said. He was mostly just pretending to be annoyed. He was slightly happy that Regina had found somebody else to bother at the moment. And he couldn't resist pretending to be offended and slightly annoyed, and coming with comments that made Monica squirm like a worm on a hook.  
  
"Maybe for YOU love is easy" Monica said. "Why don't YOU explain love to Regina?"  
  
"Because she asked you to do it" Chandler answered, keeping in a smile. "She doesn't want some chubby guy who might soon grow bald to explain it to her."  
  
"Come on mommy. Just tell me!" Regina said. "How come you love daddy?"  
  
"Regina, sometimes you just love somebody" Monica said, trying to think of a way to get out of the questions. "It's just… an emotion that appears. You learn to see the other person's good sides, and then you… I don't know, really."  
  
"But don't you see uncle Joey's good sides, and doesn't daddy see auntie Phoebe and auntie Rachel's good sides? How come you don't love them?"  
  
"We love them honey, but not in the way we love each other" Monica said.  
  
"I don't understand!"  
  
"Neither do I" Chandler jokingly said.  
  
"Be quiet daddy, you're not helping!" Regina said. Chandler chuckled.  
  
"Look, it's not easy to explain love, okay?" Monica said. "But there's just something about some people that makes you fall in love with them."  
  
"But then how come auntie Rachel and auntie Phoebe aren't in love with daddy?" Regina said. She didn't understand any of it.  
  
"Maybe we should wait with this discussion" Monica suggested. "For like another ten years or so. Now we're going to get your pajamas. It's past your bedtime."  
  
Chandler chuckled to himself when he heard Monica's clever way of getting out of explaining the mystery of love to the four-year-old. He sat down on the couch and waited for Monica to finish getting Regina ready for bed.  
  
It took about an half hour before Regina had her pajamas on and her teeth brushed and everything else ready. Monica carried her from the bathroom to her room and tucked her in.  
  
"Mommy, seriously, why do you love daddy?" Regina asked again when Monica kissed her on the cheek.  
  
"I just do" Monica answered. "And that's all I need to know. No matter what we go through I'll still love him, because he is very special. And so full of personality. And I love almost everything about him, but I can't tell you exactly why I fell in love with him."  
  
Regina seemed content with that answer at the moment. Monica went out in the living room and Chandler went in to say goodnight to Regina as well.  
  
He turned the lights off and closed the door on his way out a few minutes later, and sat down on the couch next to Monica.  
  
"So I'm full of personality, huh?" he said with a smile. "Regina asked me what that was supposed to mean."  
  
Monica smiled at him.  
  
"It means that you've got a whole lot of personality, stupid."  
  
"Thanks for clearing that up" Chandler sarcastically remarked. He stroke her cheek gently and let his hand run through her hair.  
  
"She does ask interesting questions, though" he remarked. "I never asked my parents things like that. I found out about love when I saw my dad making out with another man…"  
  
"How lovely" Monica sarcastically said.  
  
"I love you, though…" Chandler said, looking into her eyes. "With all my heart, I do…"  
  
"I know" Monica said. "And I love you back just as much and even more." She leaned over to him and kissed him. "Thank you so much for being born…"  
  
"You can send the 'thank you' notes to my parents" Chandler answered. "I had very little control over that part myself."  
  
He scooted closer and kissed her lovingly. Monica kissed him back, but all of a sudden felt a wave of nausea wash over her. She quickly broke the kiss.  
  
"Something wrong?" Chandler asked.  
  
"Just the stomach flue…" Monica said, rose and ran to the bathroom.  
  
*  
  
By the end of the next week, Monica had gone to see a doctor. She recognized this far too well. She was feeling like she had when she first got sick three years earlier.  
  
She hadn't said anything to Chandler about it. She wanted to be 100% sure before she scared him by talking about cancer again. She knew that the doctors had told her that the odds of her getting sick a second time weren't even worth mentioning. Over the years they had only heard of one patient who had gotten it a second time.  
  
"You shouldn't worry, Mrs. Bing" the doctor told her while giving her a quick exam. "You've just got a case of the flue. That's all."  
  
Monica sighed in relief. She didn't want to get sick again, and she knew she had overreacted to the symptoms. Chandler had felt the exact same way as she'd done the past week when he'd had the flue that spring.  
  
"Now, we COULD take a blood sample, just to be 100% accurate" the doctor said. "But I can guarantee you, you have not gotten blood cancer again."  
  
Monica let him take some samples, and then went home. She felt relieved that there wasn't anything greater wrong with her. At the same time she felt a bit stupid for overreacting. She'd had the flue before, and been a whole lot sicker than she was right now. And a light case of the flue was very far from cancer.  
  
*  
  
On Friday the phone rang, and the doctor asked her to come by. Monica frowned, then realized that she had forgotten the prescription he had given her for some new wonder medicine that would help her feel better. She didn't bother telling Chandler where she was going. Getting a prescription that she had forgotten was hardly late-breaking news.  
  
Chandler came home from work shortly after she left, and found Joey and Rachel playing with Regina in the living room. They didn't know where Monica had gone, but they told him that she'd said she would be back soon. Chandler hoped they were right. He always got so worried about her if she was gone for too long.  
  
"Daddy, come play with us!" Regina said, and waved a Barbie doll at him.  
  
Chandler sat down on the floor with the other three, and took the doll. He always felt awkward when Regina wanted him to play with her, but he had to admit that it was pretty amusing to be part of it when Joey and Rachel were playing as well. Joey seemed to think that it was just as fun as Rachel thought it was. Chandler soon gave the doll back to his daughter and sat down on the couch to watch the little sketch that was put on.  
  
Joey and Rachel kept debating over which dress was fancier, and which shoes went best to what outfit, and soon got really into it. After a short while, Regina looked up at Chandler and they shared a look. Regina put her doll down and sat down with Chandler instead, to watch the other two as well.  
  
Monica got home around an hour later. Chandler was alone in the kitchen at the moment, since Rachel and Joey had taken Regina across the hall to watch "Oliver and Company".  
  
Monica smiled at Chandler and tossed him a can of the new pills she had gotten.  
  
"Think fast!" she said when she tossed the can.  
  
Chandler didn't manage to catch the can, to Monica's amusement. He picked it up from the floor and read on it.  
  
"Mon, what are these pills for?"  
  
"The flue" Monica said.  
  
"What, they have prescripted pills for that too, now?"  
  
"Uh-hu. Some new medical wonder, or something like that. I just got it from the hospital."  
  
"So that's where you were?"  
  
"Yeah. I went there on Wednesday for a check, and I forgot the prescription there. So I went back and got it today, they called."  
  
Chandler shrugged his shoulders and put the can down on the counter.  
  
"Oh, by the way, I got you something too!" Monica said, and started to look through her purse.  
  
"Something else from the pharmacy?" Chandler said with a smile.  
  
"No, not really…" Monica said. Then she found what she was looking for. "There! Here!" She handed it to Chandler.  
  
"Thanks…" Chandler said, and looked at the object she had handed him. "What is it, though."  
  
"I got that from the doctor today."  
  
"Sure, but what exactly is it?"  
  
Monica came up to him and pointed.  
  
"See that? That's a baby."  
  
Chandler stared at her.  
  
"Say that again?"  
  
  
  
Please review. Part7 coming shortly. I have just a slight thought of curiosity here... "Me", "Person" and the others who say this series and the Adultery series suck, why do you keep reading the new parts? If you don't like what I write then don't read it. Nobody's forcing you.  



	7. Always7

Always, 7  
  
  
INTRODUCTION: When you've read ½ this fic you've read ½ the series... :) Encouraging, huh? Lol...  
DISCLAIMER: The "Friends" characters don't belong to me. You all know who they belong to.  
  
  
Chandler stared at Monica, at a loss of words.  
  
"It's a baby" Monica repeated. "It's our new baby."  
  
"But I thought…"  
  
"That I was infertile? So did I, but as we both knew that wasn't 100% sure. And the doctor took a blood sample the other day, and a urine sample, and they discovered that I'm pregnant."  
  
"I…" Chandler said, unable to believe it. "So this is a sonogram photo?"  
  
"Yeah, from like an hour ago. What did YOU think it was when I gave it to you?"  
  
"I don't know. A brain scan?"  
  
Monica looked angry.  
  
"Fine, never mind. But… so… you're, I mean WE'RE, we're having another baby?"  
  
Monica smiled widely.  
  
"Uh-hu!"  
  
"When?"  
  
"In March."  
  
"So you're in what week?"  
  
"The doctor said ninth."  
  
"Ninth week, and you had no idea whatsoever?"  
  
"I just haven't thought about it."  
  
"Honey this is great…" Chandler said, and pulled her in for a hug. He kissed her lovingly and hugged her tighter. "Really, it's great…"  
  
"I know!" Monica said.  
  
"But," Chandler continued, "how big are the chances that we'll get to keep it? I mean, are you in a higher risk for miscarriage, or something?"  
  
"I actually didn't ask" Monica said. "But it's a good point." She looked a bit disappointed. "I guess I shouldn't be beaming over this quite yet. I mean, since it's probably quite unsure…" She gave Chandler a whiney look. "But I want this baby!"  
  
"Thinking that you're gonna loose it is probably stupid" Chandler said. "We shouldn't see it that way. We should just hope that everything will be fine, but not tell anyone quite yet. Especially not Regina."  
  
"I wonder what SHE'S gonna think when she finds out…" Monica pondered. "I mean, she's spoiled rotten, she might not like having a brother or sister to share attention with…"  
  
"Nah, come on, we'll just tell her how she's gotta help us take care of the baby, etc, etc… That usually works, then they're too busy being 'responsible' to be jealous."  
  
"Sure hope you're right…"  
  
They shared a look, smiled widely and were in each other's arms.  
  
*  
  
By the end of September, Monica and Chandler told their friends. Monica was starting to show, so they couldn't keep it a secret from the others anymore. They didn't say anything to Regina though until November.  
  
Regina just stared at her mother. Then at her father. Then she looked at Monica's stomach, that Monica hadn't bothered to hide behind a baggy shirt that day. She looked up at her mother.  
  
"Do you HAVE to have another baby?" she asked, not sounding too pleased.  
  
Monica gave Chandler an upset look. This wasn't exactly the reaction she had hoped for.  
  
"Yes we do" Chandler answered. "I always wanted a brother or a sister, so I made myself a promise that you would get to have one."  
  
"Couldn't you have gotten me a kitten?"  
  
Monica shook her head and rose from the couch.  
  
"Regina don't bug mommy…" Chandler said with a sigh. "Mommy and I want this baby. End of story. You have no say in this."  
  
Regina glared at him. During the four years that she had been alive, her parents had spoiled her. And she was just as stubborn as Monica. She was angry with her parents for not letting her have a say in the matter, after all, it was her parents that the baby would claim.  
  
"Mommy!" she said, slightly whiny.  
  
"Doesn't help, Regina" Monica said, and started to fold laundry from the hamper. "Your dad and I want to have another baby, and you're gonna be happy about it soon too. You're going to be a big sister, now."  
  
"Oh, goody!" Regina said with rolling eyes. She jumped off the couch and went to her room.  
  
"Oh dear…" Monica sighed, and sank down on the recliner.  
  
Chandler was in no way worried.  
  
"I didn't expect any other reaction, we've never talked to her about the possibility of having a second baby in the family. Talk about something out of the blue."  
  
"Yeah, well still…" Monica said, slightly concerned. "Chandler I don't like her stubbornness. She shouldn't get so mad about this. After all, this is OUR decision to make, not hers."  
  
"Well it's our fault, we've spoiled her. All we have to do is be more strict."  
  
"I don't know about you, but personally I might find that a bit hard to do… At least all of a sudden."  
  
"I was thinking more gradually. And I was also thinking that we should include her as much as we can into this thing. She can help with the nursery, come with you when you have an ultrasound, etc, etc…"  
  
"Might work…" Monica agreed. "At least she might feel like we're including her and that we need her help."  
  
Chandler chuckled.  
  
"Just think how cheap she's gonna be as a baby-sitter. We just have to pay her by giving her a lollipop or something!" he joked.  
  
"Chandler Bing, if you for a second think that I'm going to let a four-year-old baby-sit by new son or daughter…"  
  
Chandler chuckled and rose to give her a hand with the laundry.  
  
*  
  
Monica put the glass of water down on the counter and closed her eyes hard, fighting to keep her lunch down. She grabbed a saltine from the pack and mechanically chewed on it. She wasn't feeling well at all.  
  
Regina looked at her silently. She had started to get used to her mom being pregnant and the fact that she would get a sibling soon, and she'd even started to get excited about it. But she always felt uncomfortable when her mother wasn't feeling well. Her parents had explained to her what pregnancy was, in a simplified matter, so she knew that it was the baby that made her mom vomit and feel generally bad.  
  
"I bet now you wish you wasn't having another baby" she remarked.  
  
"Weren't" Monica corrected her grammar, and finished her glass of water. "And I'm fine, Regina."  
  
Regina shook her head and went to the couch. She turned the TV on and started to watch cartoons.  
  
Monica felt a massive head ache come over her, and she grunted. She hadn't been feeling too well, and although she knew it was more than worth it, it brought back some bad memories. She had told herself the exact same thing when she had been sick, and the cancer was a part of her life that she preferred not to think about. She didn't at all feel like she was a lucky person because she had gotten it and survived. She felt that a lucky person didn't get it at all, end of story.  
  
She packed up the groceries from the paper bags, and thought about what she would make for dinner. Nothing seemed very appealing. Just the thought about some things made her stomach turn. She didn't have a craving for anything at the moment. Except for carrot juice.  
  
She realized she had forgotten to get it, so she went across the hall and started to dig through the refrigerator. Lucky for her, Rachel and Joey were still roommates, and Rachel forced herself to drink carrot juice every morning.  
  
Joey exited his bedroom when he heard her enter, and watched in amazement as she drank a whole bottle like others drank water.  
  
"Thirsty?" he said, slightly disgusted.  
  
"Kinda'."  
  
She found another bottle and drank that one too.  
  
"Joey don't give me that look…" she said when she threw the bottles away, knowing exactly what look he had on his face. "I reserve the right to eat and drink weird things. After all, anything normal that I eat or drink seems to be thrown up shortly after anyway."  
  
"I would never survive a pregnancy…" Joey muttered to himself, and went back into his room.  
  
Monica shrugged her shoulders at the comment and went back across the hall. She finished packing up the groceries, and then she gave Chandler a call.  
  
"Hi Chandler. What are we gonna eat for dinner tonight?" she asked.  
  
There was a pause.  
  
"I sorta' thought that I would be the one calling you to ask that…" Chandler then said.  
  
"Come on, give me ideas here!"  
  
"Mon, are you not feeling okay?" Chandler asked. "You've usually got our dinners planned weeks ahead. I never thought I'd see the day when you didn't know what to make for dinner."  
  
"Chandler please," Monica sighed, "no lame jokes or remarks. I'm all out of ideas, because everything I can think of makes me wanna vomit!"  
  
"Everything?"  
  
"Except for carrot juice."  
  
"Well maybe we can make a soup of that…" Chandler said with rolling eyes, still amazed by her intense craving for carrot juice through both this pregnancy and the first one. "Either way Mon," he continued, "I just got back from lunch, you don't need to worry about dinner for HOURS!"  
  
"I wanna know what I should make!" Monica whined. "Otherwise I'm just gonna be thinking about it all day!"  
  
"Look sweetie, call for a pizza, okay?" Chandler said. "And after all, you're five months along now, you won't be feeling sick for much longer. And enjoy your remaining four months as a carrot juice addict."  
  
Monica rolled her eyes, but felt thirsty for even more carrot juice.  
  
"Okay, pizza it is, then" she concluded.  
  
"Yay!" Regina shouted from the couch. Just like her father she loved pizza.  
  
Monica hung up and then realized she didn't want pizza at all.  
  
*  
  
Monica made a face and half heartedly chewed on a saltine.  
  
She was sitting by the counter in Joey's apartment while he was cooking dinner. He had offered to do so, since he knew how much Monica liked his pasta sauces. Regina, who was annoyed that she didn't get pizza, was watching cartoons in the living room, with her bunny as company.  
  
"When's Chandler gonna be home?" Joey asked. "The sauce is almost done."  
  
"In thirty minutes" Monica said. "Just in time for my second serving" she added with a smile, knowing she mostly vomited after she'd eaten and had to eat again later. For some reason she never threw up the second time.  
  
"You feeling any better?" Joey asked, with concern in his voice.  
  
"Yeah, a little. The thought of your pasta sauces are cheering me up" Monica said with a smile. "But I can't get rid of my headache, though."  
  
"Stress, combined with little sleep and little food" Joey claimed. "That always gives ME great headaches."  
  
"In your case 'little food' means only ONE pizza" Monica remarked. "In my case one pizza is A LOT."  
  
"Either way, it sounds like your reason for headache…" Joey said.  
  
Monica nodded thoughtfully and had another saltine. While she chewed on it she tried to remember if she had had these kind of headaches while expecting Regina. She smiled slightly.  
  
"Oh gosh, I remember in June while I was expecting Regina, I had such a headache that Chandler thought I had a brain tumor or something…" she said. "He actually ended up dragging me to the hospital."  
  
"What happened?" Joey asked, handing her the wooden spoon so she could try-taste the sauce.  
  
"They told me to go home and take an aspirin" Monica said with a giggle. "So so much for brain tumors."  
  
"I think the odds of you having that would have been quite small" Joey said.  
  
"Well, I DID get cancer later on" Monica reminded him. "Leukemia, in case you've forgotten…"  
  
"It feels like it was such a long time ago" Joey remarked. "But in reality it was only about three years."  
  
"Almost exactly that long time ago" Monica nodded. "But you're right, it seems pretty distant. I think I've repressed much of it. I didn't want the memories hanging over my head."  
  
"It still very clear in my head" Joey disagreed. "I remember the night that you were dead for a few minutes as if it were yesterday. I remember everything, how I was in there with you when Chandler and the doctor came in, and the look on his face when he went to get someone to help you… And everything afterwards."  
  
"I don't think I've ever thanked you or the others for all that you did for me while I was sick" Monica said. "But I want you all to know that I am very thankful."  
  
"Oh we know" Joey assured her. "Dinner's ready. You could show me your thankfulness by setting the table."  
  
Monica rose and set the table that Rachel had bought a few years back. She told Regina to turn the TV off and come to the table. Rachel came home just as Joey put the pots on the table, and sat down to have dinner with them.  
  
"Why are we eating without daddy?" Regina asked, not being used to having dinner with just one parent.  
  
"He's coming any minute" Monica told her. "I can't wait for him to come home, I'm very hungry and so is your sibling."  
  
"You eat like uncle Joey" Regina said with a resigned sigh and reached for the milk carton. Rachel tried her best to keep in a laughter.  
  
"She sure is a lot like Chandler" she remarked.  
  
"Oh yeah, tell me about it" Monica said. "She's gonna drive some guy insane someday with her remarks and quips."  
  
"Even worse than Chandler…" Rachel said with a smile. "'Cause she's got both him and you to take it from. You're pretty quippy yourself."  
  
"I am so not!" Monica complained.  
  
Chandler entered, looking slightly confused.  
  
"Whatever happened to pizza?" he said, looking disappointed.  
  
"She's more like Chandler than Monica" Joey said with a chuckle, since Regina had said almost the exact same thing earlier.  
  
"Daddy I wanted pizza rather than this as well!" Regina said, causing Rachel to finally burst out laughing.  
  
"Regina!" Monica said, slightly shocked. "Don't talk like that! Say 'I'm sorry' to Joey!"  
  
"Sorry, uncle Joey!" Regina obediently said. "But I had my heart set on pizza."  
  
"Well, I guess that on the rare occasion that Joey cooks you should appreciate it" Chandler said, and sat down at the dinner table, grabbing a plate on his way.  
  
"Comes from the right mouth…" Monica remarked. "You haven't cooked dinner since 2005."  
  
"And we had to throw that dinner away" Regina remembered.  
  
"My whole family is against me" Chandler said with a smile, and ran his hand on Regina's head to mess up her hair.  
  
"And so is Rachel" Monica said with a laugh, since Rachel was still laughing.  
  
"Sometimes I feel like the laughing stock of this gang" Chandler said.  
  
"Serves you right for all the laughs you got on our cost throughout the years" Joey commented. "Now shut up and eat!"  
  
"You sound like Mommy!" Regina pointed out.  
  
"Interesting shade of red in Rachel's face…" Chandler calmly noted, as Rachel clutched her stomach in pain as she continued to laugh.  
  
Chandler took a bite of his pasta, then looked up and frowned.  
  
"Mon? You okay there?"  
  
"Yeah…" Monica said, widening her eyes, then closing them and shaking her head. "I just feel a little out of it… that's all…"  
  
"You didn't look too hot" Chandler said with a worried frown. "Is everything okay?"  
  
Monica chuckled.  
  
"Would you stop? Remember the five times I fainted when I was pregnant with Regina? I think a little dizziness is a small matter compared to that. I'm fine Chandler. I'm pregnant, that's the only thing…"  
  
Chandler shrugged his shoulders, prepared to let it go. She knew better than him, after all.  
  
*  
  
That night he eyed her with a smile as he got into bed next to her. Her belly had gotten bigger now, and it was clearly visible under the covers when she lay on her back as she mostly did. She was reading a magazine with a concentrated look on her face, and he thought she looked adorable.  
  
"I love you, woman" he said, getting closer to her in bed.  
  
"Love you…" she mumbled, and turned the page. She then sighed. "Reading through fashion pages looses it's charm when you know you won't be able to wear anything you see for another five months."  
  
"Since when is fashion your number one priority?" Chandler asked.  
  
"Since… never, I guess. But Ross is marrying Dana in three weeks, and I would like to wear something nice."  
  
"There are nice maternity clothes, after all" Chandler pointed out. "So never mind the magazine and come tell me about your day. How much carrot juice have you had to drink?"  
  
Monica sighed.  
  
"Chandler enough with that…"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"That's okay. But I can't help that I crave for that. I crave other things too, you know, but you never say anything when I eat olives on my sandwiches…"  
  
"The olives I can understand. It's the juice that gets to me."  
  
"Last week I actually tried to get out of my obsession and had tomato juice instead. It was gross."  
  
Chandler chuckled and took the magazine from her, folding it carefully. He kissed her on the cheek and then leaned over to his side and placed the magazine on the floor.  
  
"You know something else that I miss?" Monica asked when he closed the lights.  
  
"No, what?"  
  
"I miss not having to wash my hair every single day. It gets so greasy these days. And I also miss being more awake. I feel tired all the time."  
  
"Careful what you wish for…" Chandler carefully said. "Remember your period of insomnia…"  
  
"Yes, but that was the disease" Monica said. She looked at him. "And speaking of bed… I also miss being able to sleep like I'm used to, with my head on your shoulder and my arm across your chest."  
  
Chandler rolled over to her.  
  
"I can't help you with that, really…" he said. Then he placed his own head on her shoulder and lay closer.  
  
"You make a fine impression of me" Monica said with a giggle.  
  
Chandler kissed her lovingly, then put his head back on her shoulder. Instead of putting his arm across her chest he put his arm on her stomach, slowly caressing it.  
  
"I wonder if it's a he or a she" he said.  
  
"Hoping for a he…" Monica said. "I want a son."  
  
"I couldn't care less, to tell the truth" Chandler said. "I guess fathers always have their weak spot in their daughters. To me it would be almost more fun to have two daughters than to have a daughter and a son. I don't know why, but Regina's just so charming in her rebellion kid way, and the boys I know never had that kind of charm… Not Ben, or any of the others."  
  
"Couldn't it just be that she is your daughter, and therefore you think she's got more of that?" Monica asked. "And maybe it's just that she's quite a lot like us. And we find it charming."  
  
"I don't know, but I wouldn't mind having another little girl who's got that same charm."  
  
"She'll grow out of it, don't worry" Monica said with a chuckle. "By the time she is fourteen she's gonna be a rebellion like no other kid was."  
  
"That's true" Chandler said. "Boy, I wish she could go from being eleven to being eighteen… so we can skip the rebellion phase."  
  
"What, you mean you don't want sky high phone bills and boys calling here 24/7?" Monica asked, pretending to be surprised.  
  
"Nope. I hope she gets fat, like you were. At least during her teen years. That will save me a lot of gray hairs."  
  
Monica shook her head and playfully hit him on the head.  
  
"You watch it!" she said.  
  
"What should we name our new baby?" Chandler asked. "Something original, or something more normal?"  
  
"Phoebe had some suggestions" Monica said. "All from mythology, though."  
  
"As long as it's not Agamemnon…"  
  
"No. For a boy she suggested Orpheus, Thor, Oden, Achilles or Traianus."  
  
"Traianus was an emperor" Chandler pointed out. "Not a mythological character."  
  
"Well it was something along those lines…"  
  
"Theseus?" Chandler asked.  
  
"How on earth should I know?"  
  
"Do I dare ask for the female names she had singled out?" Chandler said.  
  
"Well… I think her suggestions were Freja, Euridice, Minerva, Psyche and… something with a p… and it was long… and it had something to do with Demi Moore."  
  
"Persephone" Chandler concluded. "Cute name, actually."  
  
"Well I'll tell you something, if my daughter gets named after a woman in mythology it's either gonna be Cassandra, Penelope or Diana."  
  
"You know, Phoebe is a name from Greek mythology…" Chandler said.  
  
"Which would explain Phoebe's obsession with this subject" Monica said. Then she thought for a second. "If it's a boy we could stick with Phoebe's mythology theme and name him Jason!"  
  
"Let's not get into anything like that now" Chandler said with a sigh. "What theme we should name the poor child after is pointless to discuss. We can give him a Latin name, like we did with Gina."  
  
"We should name him Rex!" Monica said, bursting out laughing. "Could you imagine that? Regina and Rex?"  
  
"My goodness, I thought Chandler was awful enough!" Chandler pointed out.  
  
"Well what did you have in mind when you said Latin?" Monica asked, still giggling.  
  
"Virgil" Chandler stated.  
  
"Virgil Bing? Not my son's name, it ain't…"  
  
"We don't even know if we're having a son or not."  
  
"But if it's a boy then he won't be named Virgil."  
  
"That's what you said about Regina."  
  
"Well I changed my mind. But Regina is a Latin word, Virgil is a writer."  
  
"Whatever…" Chandler said, with a big yawn. He contently stroke her belly and soon fell asleep.  
  
Monica was awake for another hour. The baby was kicking, keeping her awake. And her head was aching more than earlier. And she felt warm and sweaty, she almost wished Chandler wasn't laying so close.  
  
She yawned big and then fell asleep.  
  
*  
  
Monica and Regina had just gotten home from shopping Christmas gifts. It wasn't December quite yet, but Monica wanted to have the shopping done as fast as possible. She didn't like the stress that came with shopping in December.  
  
Monica sighed and sat down on the couch with her daughter. She had planned on being out shopping for a much longer time, and she had barely bought a thing. But she had had to call the trip short, since the nausea was too much. She didn't want to be out shopping and all of a sudden find her self being sick, so she had gone home instead.  
  
"Mommy, is the baby making you feel bad again?" Regina asked, looking sad.  
  
"Mommy's fine, dear" Monica replied.  
  
"No you're not…" Regina said in a small, worried voice. "You look pale. And you took us home early."  
  
"I know, sweetie. But it's just how pregnancy goes. I'm going to be just fine, it's just that I haven't had much to eat today and being hungry is not good for me."  
  
"Well then why didn't we just go out for pizza?" Regina asked.  
  
"Because sometimes mommy gets sick after eating, and I didn't want that to happen at the mall."  
  
"Why aren't you eating anything now?"  
  
Monica smiled and pulled Regina in for a hug.  
  
"Come here, you…"  
  
She held her as tight as she could with her stomach in the way. She thought it was so sweet that her daughter was so worried about her. Regina hugged her back and hoped her mother would feel better soon.  
  
"So are you excited about having a brother or sister?" Monica asked her.  
  
"Yes. Now I am" Regina answered. "It's gonna be cool to have someone to play with that doesn't try to steal my Barbie clothes."  
  
Monica chuckled.  
  
"If you have a sister then that wish may not come true, Gina" she said. She broke the hug and rose. "Now, I am going to get something to eat, and how about you and I bake some gingerbread cookies afterwards?"  
  
"Yay!" Regina cried out and forgot all about pregnancies and siblings.  
  
Monica went into the kitchen and felt another headache coming. She mumbled some bad words and took an aspirin. She felt really hungry and hoped that the food would make her headache go away. She fried some eggs and made Regina eat some too, even though all the child could think of was the cookie dough her mother had in the refrigerator.  
  
*  
  
Chandler laughed when he got home three hours later, the sight meeting him being the one of his daughter standing on a chair in the kitchen, covered in flour and with cookie dough on her cheeks. In front of her on the counter were a few mangled gingerbread cookies that Monica were forcing her to redo before they went in the oven. The kitchen table was filled with baking-trays and the smell of cookies filled the room.  
  
"I don't think I have seen this kitchen looking this messy in YEARS!" he remarked.  
  
Mother and daughter looked up at him and smiled in the exact same way, only Regina's smile was his and not her mother's. This made Chandler wonder if that was how he and Monica looked when they smiled together.  
  
"It sure takes time to bake with your daughter!" Monica happily remarked. "I don't think it's ever taken me two hours to bake gingerbread cookies before!"  
  
"That's because you force me to remake most of them before they go in the oven!" Regina complained.  
  
"Well you give me no other choice when you make them two centimeters thick!" Monica replied and laughed. "Give daddy some dough so he'll be in a good mood."  
  
Chandler smiled wider and went over and got himself some dough. Then he gave Monica a loving kiss.  
  
"How's my wife today?" he asked.  
  
"I'm great!" Monica said with a smile as wide as his. "I've not felt the least bit ill since I had some eggs earlier! I'm feeling fantastic!"  
  
"And tomorrow's December 1st!" Regina happily added.  
  
"I know" Monica said with a smile, and gave Chandler another kiss before she turned her attention back to the child. "And I thought we could sprits numbers on 24 of the cookies and then you can have one each day up until Christmas Day."  
  
"I wish I'd had you as a mother" Chandler said with a laugh. "Could I have 24 spritsed cookies as well?"  
  
"Mais, oui monsieur" Monica said.  
  
"What does that mean?" Regina asked.  
  
"It means stop making the cookies that thick!" Monica complained, and grabbed the rolling-pin to get the right thickness to the dough.  
  
"Mommy's obsessive" Regina said to Chandler.  
  
"It's a cute quality" Chandler said, and stole some more dough, getting a hand slap from Monica as he did. "And who knows, maybe you'll turn out the same way."  
  
"When I get old and have children, I'm gonna let them make their cookies as thick as they'd like!" Regina claimed.  
  
Monica gave a short laugh.  
  
"You have no idea how many times I thought the exact same thing, my dear…" she remarked.  
  
"Yes, but I have more character than you, I can stick to my decisions" Regina claimed.  
  
"That wasn't nice" Chandler remarked. "Don't say things like that, Gina. It's okay for mommy and me, we know you're not really serious, but other people might take offence."  
  
"Do you ever think of things like that before you say your comments?" Regina asked.  
  
"Hell no" Chandler replied, before realizing that it wasn't a very smart thing to say.  
  
Monica gave him an angry look.  
  
"Don't teach my daughter swear words, thank you!" she dryly remarked.  
  
"Now you've pissed her off…" Regina said to Chandler with her eyes rolling.  
  
"GINA!" Monica firmly said. "Who's taught you to speak like that?"  
  
"Him" Regina said with a point to her father.  
  
"I'll be across the hall…" Chandler said, and quickly left before Monica got mad for real.  
  
*  
  
A week later Chandler got Regina ready for bed and then sat her down on the couch as he went to get himself a glass of water.  
  
"Daddy, where is Mommy?" Regina asked.  
  
"Mommy?" Chandler asked. He finished his glass and put it in the sink. "Mommy's at the doctor's" he answered, sitting down on the couch with Regina.  
  
"This late?"  
  
Chandler smiled.  
  
"It's only seven o'clock" he remarked. "And it was the only appointment she could get this week."  
  
"Why is she at the doctor's?"  
  
"To check on the baby. To see if it's healthy and things like that."  
  
"Did she do that with me?"  
  
"Every two weeks."  
  
"That often?" Regina looked puzzled. "I wouldn't wanna go to the doctor's that often!"  
  
Chandler laughed slightly.  
  
"It's a bit different… And she gets to see the baby, sort of, on a sonogram picture."  
  
"A what?"  
  
"Sonogram picture. It's a picture they get from Mommy's stomach, sort of. And on it they can see if the baby is okay."  
  
"Sounds tricky."  
  
"Maybe she can take you with her next time" Chandler said. "You can see it for yourself."  
  
Regina looked excited over the idea. Her excitement was dimmed somewhat when her mother entered, not looking too happy.  
  
"Honey?" Chandler asked, not knowing what to make of her facial expression.  
  
"Chandler put Regina to bed, we've got something serious to talk about" Monica said.  
  
  
Review please... help improve my review-rate, LOL! 


	8. Always8

Always, 8  
  
  
INTRODUCTION: I don't really have too much to say, just that if you haven't read the first 7 parts this might be confusing for you... :)!  
DISCLAIMER: This is starting to get old, everyone knows I don't own the characters from "Friends"...  
  
  
"What's the matter, honey?" Chandler asked and sat down on the couch next to her, taking her hands. Regina was now in bed and almost asleep.  
  
"I… got some… disturbing news today…" Monica said.  
  
"You did? When?"  
  
"Just now. At the doctor's."  
  
"Is something the matter?" Chandler asked, worried.  
  
Monica made a face and looked sad.  
  
"Honey!" Chandler said, upset and anxious. "What is wrong? Something is wrong, isn't it? Is it the baby?"  
  
Monica didn't answer.  
  
"Come on honey, talk to me here, you're kinda' freaking me out! Is something the matter with our baby, is, is it a defection of some kind? Is the baby DEAD? You're not having Siamese twins, are you?"  
  
Monica couldn't help but to laugh a little.  
  
"No Chandler, I am not having Siamese twins. I think they would have detected that a long time ago if that were the case."  
  
"But it is something about the baby, am I right?"  
  
Monica looked sad again.  
  
"I found out today at the doctor's…"  
  
"Yes I know, you said that already!"  
  
"I was talking about some things, nothing special really, mostly just how I've been feeling since last time I was there and things like that."  
  
"And… ?"  
  
Monica smiled sadly when she saw the look in his eyes. He was worrying out of his mind, letting his imagination get the best of him.  
  
"Chandler, I… don't know how to say this…" she said, thinking back on her doctor's appointment.  
  
"Whatever it is…" Chandler said, taking her hand. "Just let me know. And we'll work it out."  
  
Monica pulled her hand back and looked up at the ceiling, fighting to keep her tears at bay.  
  
"Chandler I'm sick again."  
  
"You, you need to vomit?" Chandler asked, anxiously. "You want me to get you some water?"  
  
"No, Chandler I'm SICK again!"  
  
Chandler looked into her eyes and slowly realized what she was saying.  
  
"How, how do you mean 'sick'?" he asked, hoping she would give him any other answer than what he realized might be the truth.  
  
"I've gotten cancer again."  
  
"But how, I mean, it doesn't, how, I…" Chandler said, starting a number of sentences at the same time, confused and in shock. "I thought they said you COULDN'T become sick again!"  
  
"No, they THOUGHT I wouldn't!" Monica corrected him. "But I did. I am sick again, Chandler. The only thing I don't know if it's leukemia or some other form of cancer, I didn't hear that part, but that's not important!"  
  
"Well…" Chandler said, shaking his head slightly. "I mean… Are they SURE?"  
  
"They wouldn't say anything definite unless they were."  
  
"Okay, this is going to be all right!" Chandler said, feeling a bit calmer when he looked at it rationally. "I mean, you've beaten it before, you'll do it again! I KNOW you can! We'll just get you started on the treatment right away, and--"  
  
"Chandler" Monica interrupted him. "I'm not going to have any treatment."  
  
"WHAT?" Chandler bawled. "Have you completely lost your MIND?"  
  
"I can't, Chandler!" Her voice broke and a tear fell down her cheek. "Chandler I CAN'T have any treatment!"  
  
"I know it was difficult, I know it was tough, but PLEASE Monica!" Chandler said. "Otherwise you'll DIE!"  
  
"I don't care!"  
  
"Well maybe you don't, but I sure as hell do!" Chandler bawled, seriously upset.  
  
"Chandler, quiet, you're gonna wake Regina!"  
  
"Yeah, well YOU'RE gonna make her motherless!" Chandler sharply replied.  
  
"Don't you see that I have no CHOICE?"  
  
"That is bullshit Monica, you beat it before and you are going to go through the treatment this time as well!"  
  
"But I CAN'T!"  
  
"Did the doctor tell you this?"  
  
Monica turned her face away from him, then muttered a no.  
  
"Excuse me, I didn't hear!" Chandler sharply said.  
  
"I said 'NO!" Monica said. "No, he did not tell me I couldn't have the treatment."  
  
"Then why are YOU saying you can't have the treatment?"  
  
"Chandler please, don't be MAD at me!"  
  
"Well then don't turn me into a widower!"  
  
"You don't know that I'll die!"  
  
"Damn you Monica, you are going to have the treatment and cure this disease, because I will NOT let you give up on yourself!" Chandler roared.  
  
"But Chandler I am PREGNANT!" Monica yelled back, even though she knew Regina was asleep. "What about the BABY?"  
  
Chandler realized in a second and sank in his posture.  
  
"The baby…"  
  
"Yes, the baby, Chandler!" Monica said, still crying slightly. "Chandler the baby can't handle heavy medication! It's going to die or it's going to get brain damages or something! I can't RISK that, don't you see?"  
  
"And instead you risk you?" Chandler stated, but no longer angry. Just resigned.  
  
"Nothing says I'll die!" Monica objected.  
  
"Oh of COURSE you will!" Chandler hissed. "Damn it Monica, what did you expect, huh? The baby's due in March, it's only December right now, that's three more months! You CANNOT wait that long!"  
  
"Chandler it is MY decision and it is MY choice."  
  
"Decision and choice is the same thing."  
  
"Whatever. I won't do anything to risk this baby's health, do you understand that Chandler? NOTHING to risk it!"  
  
"How can you put the health of an unborn child above your LIFE?" Chandler asked, not understanding her choice.  
  
"What kind of a mother am I otherwise? Wouldn't you risk your life for Regina?"  
  
"That's not the same thing!" Chandler objected. "That would be a life for a life, this is a life for a soon-to-be life."  
  
"There isn't anything different in it to me!" Monica said. "Chandler do you think I want to die? I don't! I really, really don't, I'm so afraid of dying that I'm about to loose it in any second!"  
  
"Well then WHY?"  
  
"Because I couldn't possibly live with myself if I got a miscarriage or we had a baby with a brain damage. I couldn't live with myself knowing that our child could have been perfectly healthy and fine, but I put my own health above his or her entire LIFE!"  
  
"I'd rather have you and a child with brain damage than no you and a healthy child." Chandler said.  
  
Monica broke into tears again, and couldn't speak for about a minute. Then she tried to dry her tears.  
  
"You're being unfair!" she whispered. "This is my choice, Chandler. And it's not even a choice to me. It's the life of my baby, a baby that I want so much, and I didn't have to think about it even for a second. I am NOT going to let this child come to risk."  
  
"Mon…" Chandler softly said and put his hand on her arm. "And what if you die? What if you have a healthy baby and then die? Think about what's best for BOTH of your children, you're about to leave them with no mother! Do you really want that?"  
  
"Of COURSE I don't!" Monica objected angrily from her tears. "Chandler give it up already, I know how you feel about this but it is NOT your decision to make! It is MINE, and I've already made it. I made it instantly."  
  
"You're wrong, Mon…" Chandler said. "This IS my decision to make, just as much as it is yours. This is my WIFE you're risking the life of, here."  
  
"Chandler…" Monica said with an annoyed sigh, trying to dry her tears again.  
  
"Monica you may or may not realize this, but it is *I* who am going to have to live with the consequences of your choice in this matter. I'M the one who's gonna loose a wife if you decide to not have the treatment, I'm the one who's going to be left alone to take care of our children and my life, and you know that I CAN'T deal with life without you!"  
  
"Would you rather have a wife who is so consumed with guilt that your whole marriage falls apart?" Monica asked stubbornly.  
  
"What would you have to be guilty about? Trying to save your life? Mon, do you in fact realize that you and a child with brain damages makes TWO lives, while just a healthy child makes only ONE. Two lives over one, Monica, then it doesn't matter to me if our son or daughter isn't like all the other children. I'm gonna love him or her just as much anyway."  
  
"I know you will, but this has to do with me being able to handle a situation like that or not! I'd have to spend the rest of my life knowing that my daughter or son is… not normal… because of ME!"  
  
"At least he or she would know his or her mother!" Chandler objected.  
  
"Chandler this is the best solution for everyone!" Monica said. "The baby will be born healthy and I'll still have a chance of survival."  
  
"Says who?"  
  
"DAMN it, Chandler!" Monica cried. "What are you trying to DO to me?"  
  
"Save your life! Monica, don't you realize that in order for the pregnancy to go well, YOU have got to be well? If you're sick in cancer and not doing squad about it, then how is your body going to be able to take care of the baby? And labour, what about that, Monica? Do you think you'll be strong enough after three months to go through labour? Because I sure don't think you'll be!"  
  
"Thank you for your support" Monica said angrily and quietly, while rising from the couch. She went to the bedroom and closed the door hard.  
  
Chandler got up from the couch and left.  
  
*  
  
"Mr. Bing, it's late, can we take this tomorrow?" the doctor said with a sigh, and rubbed the red marks on his nose that his glasses had left.  
  
"No, we can't. I've gotta know!" Chandler said, annoyed. "What are my wife's chances of survival?"  
  
"If she decides to take the treatment they're pretty good. I'd say around 78% chance."  
  
"Well that door is one she has closed, locked and barricaded with a bookshelf" Chandler hissed. "What are her chances if she waits for the baby to be born?"  
  
"Non-existing" the doctor said. "Normally three months wouldn't be THAT critical, but she's pregnant. And her body is going to automatically use it's resources on the fetus, especially now that she won't have much anyhow. And with labour and everything, her body will in no way be able to pull through the disease. I'm sorry, Mr. Bing. But your wife is going to have to make a choice."  
  
"And if she takes the medicine, what's the affect on the baby?" Chandler asked, sitting down on a chair.  
  
"Hard to say. These are pretty heavy medications we're talking about, Mr. Bing. It's hard enough for her own body to handle them. And the baby might not be able to handle them at all."  
  
"So in other words treatments means abortion."  
  
"Mind your words, Mr. Bing" the doctor said, annoyed.  
  
"Fine, sorry. But if the baby doesn't die from them? Will it end up with three arms, five ears, what?"  
  
"Mr. Bing, I hope you didn't mean that last bit seriously…" the doctor said with a sigh. "Did you know that a fetus pretty soon gets all of it's body parts? Legs and arms and head and fingers? The larger part of the pregnancy is just the baby growing larger, and in the end it develops it's lungs. Your wife is in month six, the chances of her having a physically deformed child are just as small as her chances of survival if she waits for the baby to be born."  
  
"What about brain damages? Things like that?"  
  
"Possible" the doctor said. "But it may not be in the way you're thinking, it might have affect on the other organs. Your baby might be deaf. Or blind. For example. Or problems with concentration, understanding, things like that. And then there are things like Cerebral Pares, of course."  
  
"Bet you wouldn't be willing to tell my wife the bit about brain damage, only leave out the Cerebral Pares bit, huh?" Chandler said with a sigh. "Too bad, because as long as she thinks the baby will be okay--"  
  
"I can't treat a patient that way" the doctor objected. "She has got to be informed of all the risks before she makes a decision."  
  
"Well then…" Chandler said with a sigh, "is there any way *I* can decide in this matter? Shouldn't her husband's opinion matter? Can't you just… claim she's not in a mental state that she's capable of making a rational decision?"  
  
"Illegal" the doctor said. "Unless it really is true, but she's very well aware of things and she is fully capable of making that kind of decision."  
  
"No she's not, 'cause if she would be she wouldn't be making the WRONG one!"  
  
"Well I won't claim she's not. And to be honest Mr. Bing, if you went through with that idea I don't think she'd ever forgive you."  
  
"Unfortunately I think you're right about that…" Chandler said with a sigh. Then he thought of something. "Doctor, can I ask you another question?"  
  
*  
  
Monica had calmed down, and it had been a while since she stopped crying. She was laying in bed with a magazine, feeling lonely and miserable. She had heard Chandler leave. And it had hurt.  
  
She slowly stroke her stomach and whispered to the baby inside.  
  
'Don't worry… Mommy's NOT gonna fail you! I'm not gonna let you get killed or hurt.'  
  
She heard the door open and close and felt a wave of stubbornness come over her. She sure wasn't going to urge him in any way. She was gonna give him the silent treatment and show to him in every way that she was displeased with him. It had been over a year and a half since the last time they even had a bigger disagreement about something, and that made Monica feel even worse. She wasn't used to arguing with him. And she needed him now, she needed him to be on her side, not to fight her.  
  
She rolled over to her own side and decided not to turn her back at him. That would be too obvious. She wanted to ignore him without really showing him how mad she was. She turned the lights off and stubbornly stared at the ceiling.  
  
The room got lighter when Chandler entered. He wasn't ready for bed, even though it was past ten and he had an early morning the next day. Monica could see that he still had all of his clothes on right before she closed her eyes. She hoped he would think she was asleep, but if he knew she was awake it didn't really matter.  
  
She felt and heard how he sat down on the other side of the bed and then lay down on top of the covers. Then she felt his hand carefully touching her stomach, and his lips giving her a soft kiss on the cheer. She felt even more angry. She didn't want his affection just like that. He couldn't think he could treat her the way he had earlier, and then just expect her to be willing to let kiss come before make up.  
  
She could tell that he placed his head next to hers and heard him groan slightly. She got even more angry, since he seemed to be planning on sleeping cuddly with her tonight. She did find it a bit strange that he was still in the same outfit he'd worn to work that day. He hadn't even taken off his jacket.  
  
"Mon?" she heard him say. "You awake?"  
  
"Leave me alone, Chandler" she hissed, not opening her eyes.  
  
"Listen, I want you to listen to me, okay?"  
  
"Are you gonna sleep in those clothes?" Monica angrily asked.  
  
"No, why?"  
  
"Then go get ready for bed. I wanna go to sleep. You're gonna disturb me if you stay up for ages and then come to bed."  
  
Chandler looked at her, startled. He hadn't expected to get an attitude from her. He thought she'd just been hurt and frustrated, but that it would have worn over by now.  
  
'So much for kiss and make up' he thought, and got off the bed. When he got back ten minutes later, she was asleep. He didn't have the heart to wake her up.  
  
*  
  
The next day Chandler got hurt when he realized that she still wasn't in any forgiving mood. She didn't say a single word to him during the entire morning. A nod was the most he got out of her before she left with Regina to take her to daycare. Monica still went to work every day, but working only half-time.  
  
Chandler didn't expect much when he got home later that evening. Monica had never been this stubborn with him. Sure, she had been mad for longer times than this, but she had at least answered him and talked to him. Now she didn't do either. And Chandler couldn't for his life figure out why.  
  
They had dinner with Regina in silence. Regina looked from one parent to the other, noticing that something was up. But neither of her parents spoke to the other one, so it wasn't easy to figure out what. She decided to let it go, and to go over to Rachel and Joey's as soon as she had finished dinner. She had never experienced her parents fighting since she was an infant, and she had no memory of that. This was all new and creepy to her. Her parents were always so happy and so warm towards each other. Now they were cold and silent.  
  
Chandler took care of the dishes when Regina hurried over to Joey's. He was trying to come up with something to say to Monica, but nothing he could think of sounded any good. He had to tell her what he'd talked with the doctor about the night before, but he didn't want to do that without knowing she was listening and reacting. He needed a response from her.  
  
Monica left him to take care of the dishes and took a bath. She locked the door behind her, something she hadn't done in years when only she and Chandler were home. She didn't want to be bothered by him.  
  
Chandler sighed heavily when he heard her lock the door. But then he made up his mind. Once she got out of the bathtub, he would talk to her. He would force her in some way to listen. And then they could talk about what Monica still was mad about.  
  
He finished the dishes and waited for her to be done. He had to wait for almost an hour, and he'd gotten pretty annoyed by the time she exited the bathroom in a towel. Her robe was too small for her now, and she thought a maternity robe would be stupid.  
  
"Monica come here and sit on the couch" Chandler said to her. "And don't ignore me, I have something IMPORTANT to talk to you about."  
  
Monica angrily walked past him. She had no intention of listening to whatever he had to say. She was too busy trying to stay mad at him.  
  
"It's a solution to our problem!" Chandler tried. "A way in which we can both have it our way!"  
  
Monica stopped when she heard that. It sounded really good. She turned and gave him a suspicious look.  
  
"Oh don't give me that look…" Chandler said with a slight chuckle. "I'm serious, so come over here and park yourself on the couch."  
  
Monica went over and sat down.  
  
"As I said… I found a solution to our problem."  
  
"What is it?" Monica asked.  
  
"It's simple. Induced labour."  
  
"You're telling me WHAT?" Monica said with a raised eyebrow.  
  
"We induce labour. It's as simple as that" Chandler said, shrugging his shoulders. "Then the baby won't get affected by your treatment."  
  
"It's out of the question" Monica said and tried to rise, but it wasn't as simple when she was wrapped in a towel and pregnant.  
  
"Sit down again" Chandler said, grabbing her arm and gently pulling her down again. "Look, I don't mean that we've gotta do it next week! But I spoke to your doctor and he said that you can wait a month or so and then induce labour."  
  
"Chandler the baby will die if we do that."  
  
"It will not."  
  
"It will so!" Monica objected. "Come on, he or she is gonna be so tiny!"  
  
"Babies are born a lot earlier than month seven!" Chandler protested. "And those children are just fine!"  
  
"But there's a major risk!" Monica said. "And the answer is no, I am NOT taking any risks!"  
  
"Listen, sweetheart…" Chandler said, starting to get a little panicked. He knew this was his only shot. "Honey, we can talk to the doctor. We can have a whole damn army of doctors and midwifes there when you give birth, we can make absolutely sure that the risks are down to a minimum! I mean, doesn't this sound like just the perfect solution? You and the baby can both survive and be fine, you can recover from your disease and we'll be a very happy family! With a new baby who hasn't got a single problem in the world, no blindness, no concentration difficulties… and none of the other damages you're scared he or she might get! Only our baby will be born in January instead of March!"  
  
Monica smiled slightly, forgetting she was supposed to be mad at him.  
  
"And the doctor says this will work?"  
  
"It's our only shot to have both you and the baby recover safely."  
  
"Okay" Monica finally agreed. "Okay, I'll do it."  
  
"Fantastic!"  
  
Chandler's face broke into a smile and he leaned over to her and gave her a warm hug. He kissed her hungrily and lovingly.  
  
"Just one more thing…" he said.  
  
"What?"  
  
"As soon as possible they'd like for you to have yourself admitted to the hospital. So they can keep tabs on you and the baby."  
  
"Well what about Christmas?" Monica asked, slightly worried.  
  
"They didn't say you had to go there right away…" Chandler said. "But on the other hand, today is only December 8th, Christmas is 17 days away. And 17 days is a lot, after all… Over two weeks."  
  
"Maybe we should just wait and see" Monica suggested. Then she hugged him harder. "Thank you so much, Chandler!"  
  
"You're welcome. Although I don't really know what I'm being thanked for. I like it, though!"  
  
Monica laughed slightly and kissed him on the cheek, then hugged him close again.  
  
"For actually listening to me. For not just brushing away my thoughts on this like you did when I first told you the other day. And for finding a solution that will make everything okay!"  
  
Chandler kissed her lovingly. He found it hard to believe that she was so sick again. That she might die. She seemed so well, even though she was weary and had a headache. It was hard to imagine that she was so fragile, that she might be taken from him soon. He felt an urge he couldn't resist and helped her to her feet. He led her to the bedroom and let her towel fall to the floor.  
  
*  
  
Monica frowned, not knowing what to say to the little girl sitting on the coffee table in front of her. She knew they had to tell her. Regina had to know. But it had been tough enough the first time around, and now Regina was old enough to actually understand in some way what was going on. That her mother might in fact die.  
  
Chandler was equally concerned over what to tell her. He sat next to Monica and looked at his daughter, unable to help feeling like he was letting her down. He had always told her that nothing bad would happen to her and everything else that a parent told their child, but loosing her mother was definitely something bad. Chandler was scared that Regina would loose her faith in her parents.  
  
Regina was looking from one parent to the other. It was pretty clear that they had something important to tell her, and it made her feel very uncomfortable. She had no idea what it was about. Mommy looked uncomfortable and Daddy looked nervous. It did not seem good.  
  
"What's wrong?" she asked. Her mother and father shared a look, then looked at her.  
  
"Well…" Monica began, but then quieted.  
  
Chandler took a deep breath and decided to be the one to break the news.  
  
"Regina," he began, "do you remember a few years ago when mommy was very sick?"  
  
"Sort of…" Regina answered, her guard up.  
  
"Well, see the thing is…" Chandler said. "Mommy's sick again."  
  
"You mean like the flue?" Regina said hopefully.  
  
"No, I mean like she was a few years ago."  
  
Regina looked at her mother, unable to understand. Her mother didn't look any more sick than she had just a few days ago. Now she nodded.  
  
"It's true, sweetie" she said and bit her lower lip. "I am very, very sick…"  
  
Regina looked from one of them to the other, not really understanding. So her mother was sick, but what exactly did that mean? She saw the look in her parents' eyes, but didn't want to believe what she thought they meant.  
  
"What are you saying?" she asked, getting worked up.  
  
"We're saying…" her father said, then sighed before he continued. "We're saying that honey, your mother is very, very sick and she has to go to a hospital where they can take care of her and the baby."  
  
"Is the baby sick too?" Regina asked, hoping her little sibling was all right. She was really starting to like the thought of becoming a big sister.  
  
"No" her mother assured her. "No, baby's fine. But we don't want anything bad to happen to he or she, do we?"  
  
"No" Regina agreed. "But why do you have to be in a hospital? Why can't you be at home? Daddy can take care of you!"  
  
"I can't, sweetie" Chandler said. "The disease that your mother has got is the kind that only doctors can take care of. There is nothing I can do for her here at home."  
  
Regina looked from one of them to the other a couple of times.  
  
"You're not gonna be home this Christmas, are you?" she then stated to her mother.  
  
Monica bit her lower lip and nodded. She looked away and tried to keep her tears back. She didn't want to start crying in front of her daughter, that would only make Regina scared.  
  
"When are you going to come home again?" Regina asked.  
  
"We… don't know that yet" Chandler said, sounding more sad than Regina had ever heard him before. "Regina, the truth is… Mommy may not come home again."  
  
"WHAT?" Regina asked.  
  
"He's telling the truth, honey" Monica said, getting control over her tears and turning back to look at the girl. "Mommy's got cancer. And some people die from cancer."  
  
"No!" Regina said stubbornly. "Daddy won't let you!"  
  
"I don't want Mommy to die" Chandler said. "But there's little I can do. But remember that Mommy has had this before, and she survived that time. So there's nothing that says she won't survive this time as well."  
  
He knew that it was untrue, and it was the first time he'd ever told a lie to her. But he couldn't tell his daughter the whole situation and describe how her mother might die just because she was pregnant and didn't want to harm the baby. It was a white lie, but it felt strange to say it.  
  
"What about baby?" Regina asked. "What's going to happen to him or her?"  
  
"Well, once the baby is born they're going to keep him or her at the hospital for a while" Chandler explained. "And then we can take him or her home. And mommy will hopefully be doing a lot better by that time, so she can hopefully come home shortly after."  
  
"Is mommy going to be away for that long?" Regina asked with a sigh. "You said it was long after Christmas that the baby's going to be born!"  
  
"That may change" Monica said. "In fact, it WILL change. The baby's going to be born as soon as it's possible for it to survive."  
  
Regina looked confused. She didn't really understand the concept of birth and she found it odd enough that her brother or sister was actually inside of her mother. All this talk about how the baby would be born as soon as it could survive just made her head spin.  
  
"We don't need to talk about this anymore now" Chandler said. "Unless Gina you have something you want to ask us. Or something you want to say to us."  
  
Regina looked at her mother.  
  
"I don't want you to die" she said.  
  
There was a knock on the door. Ross entered along with Dana, his new wife. Ross knew what had happened, and he was going to take Regina with him to see Ben, while Monica and Chandler told the others.  
  
Chandler and Monica watched Regina leave with her uncle. Monica then turned to Chandler with sad eyes.  
  
"Oh I really hope this will all work as it should…" she said, sounding very small and vulnerable. "All I want is to get to see Regina grow up. That's the only wish I have, Chandler. And to get to know my unborn son or daughter."  
  
Chandler gave her a hug.  
  
"Don't you worry. You'll get to know him or her. And you're going to be there every step of Regina's life until she gets older and moves out. I mean, everything from baby teeth to prom dates to makeup to driver's license… You'll get to see it all."  
  
Monica smiled slightly.  
  
"Chandler. I sure hope you're right."  
  
"I am" Chandler assured her. For the first time since she'd told him about her being sick again, he felt hopeful and happy. Things were nowhere near as bad as they had seemed at first, they could have both the baby and Monica's safety. They didn't have to risk one for the other.  
  
Monica let him hug her and partly wished that the baby was already born. She wished she had gotten pregnant a few months earlier. Or sick a few months later. But right now what she wanted more than anything was to get to hug Chandler tight and to feel her entire body press up against his. Her big stomach was in the way. She missed it so much, to get to go to bed at night and snuggle close, putting her arm around his chest and her head against his shoulder. She had forgotten this part of pregnancy, to miss being able to be that close to him. And anyone else, for that matter. Whenever someone hugged her these days her stomach was in the way.  
  
She smiled slightly to herself and made up her mind that that would be the first thing she did once she got back home from the hospital, once the baby was born. She would put her arms around Chandler and press him close, and kiss him lovingly. She missed being able to do that so much.  
  
Chandler's hand slowly stroke her hair. She had had it cut again, why he didn't know. It was just barely touching her shoulders. Chandler had hoped she would let it grow as long as it had been when they got married, when he would feel her hair against his hand when he stroke her on the back. Now he had to go all the way up to her shoulders for that.  
  
Monica felt a big headache coming, and she knew what was the cause of it. Reality hit her once again and she realized that there still was a chance that she would die. And that the nearest couple of months wouldn't be easy for any of them, especially not for her. But she still felt very confident. Chandler's idea with inducing labour when she was in her seventh month was what could save both hers and her new baby's life.  
  
She pulled Chandler a little closer and smiled. She was starting to feel like everything was going to work out okay.  
  
  
Review and tell me what you think. And keep in mind that if some of the medical stuff makes no sense that's 'cause I wrote this when I was 17, and I'm not exactly a MD... And once again I would like to as Me why on earth you keep on reading this if you don't like it? Just read the humour fics if that's the only kind you like... :)  



	9. Always9

Always, 9  
  
  
INTRODUCTION: The plot thickens... lol... Monica is now admitted to the hospital again, waiting for the baby to get stronger so they can induce...  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the "Friends" characters, I just use them in situations they'll probably never end up in on "Friends", LOL!  
  
  
Monica had for some reason thought that the hospital room she would get this time would be just like the one she had a few years ago. This one was completely different, though.  
  
The walls weren't white as they had been in the other room. They were painted in a shade that Monica called Hospital Green. And the floors were in the same color, making the room seem awfully dark. There was a window with no curtains, and no plastic flowers in vases. It wouldn't matter much anyway because the window was to her right, so she wasn't able to see it unless she turned her head around quite a bit or lay on her stomach, which was impossible to do while she was pregnant. In front of her was another room, with a glass wall in-between. It was so that the doctors could easily keep track of her and so that people could come see her without disturbing her when she was sleeping. To her left she had a whole bunch of machines that were supposed to keep track on her vital statuses as well as to check on how the baby was doing.  
  
Monica had made a decision that she hadn't told Chandler about. He was expecting her to induce labour in January. It was right after Christmas now, so he was hoping it would only be two or three weeks. Monica had no plans whatsoever to have the baby in January. She was going to wait until she could get better guarantees of the baby's safety. She had made up her mind about this the day before, when the doctor had come to see her and talked to her about what they were going to do before, during and after the birth.  
  
Monica slowly stroke her stomach and once again made a promise to the baby that she would do whatever it would take for the baby to be as safe as possible. She didn't feel like there was a risk at her own life. She knew what she was doing. And she and Chandler, as well as the doctors, were fully confident that she would have great chances of surviving. The doctor had said 70%, which to Monica sounded like good odds. She somehow seemed to believe that everything above 50% meant guaranteed survival.  
  
*  
  
Chandler woke up alone. He deeply sighed and looked over on Monica's side of the bed, which was depressingly empty. He remembered very clearly how horrible it had been when she'd been away the last time, and this time it felt even worse. It had been two days since she'd gone to the hospital, and those two days had felt more like two weeks. On December 27th he'd woken up next to her for the last time in an indefinite period of time.  
  
He sighed heavily and got out of bed. Normally he loved to sleep in, but it wasn't the same thing without being able to watch his sleeping wife, or talk to her if she was awake.  
  
He made up his mind, got dressed and went across the hall. Just like he had hoped, Rachel was up early. After a quick talk she agreed to go across the hall and stay with Regina, and Chandler took off for the hospital.  
  
*  
  
She was asleep when he got there. He walked into the room and saw her through the glass wall. He smiled to himself, knowing that he would always love the person he was looking at, no matter what happened between them. And no matter how hard she was struck by her sickness he would still think she was beautiful.  
  
He opened the door into the room where she lay, and quietly closed it behind him. He went over to her bedside and sat down. He smiled even wider when he thought of the fact that they were planning on inducing labour in just two weeks time. He would feel a whole lot better once she'd given birth, because then they could concentrate on making her better. After the baby was born there would be no delays, the treatment would start as soon as possible. And she sooner that happened, the better the chances were that he would get to keep his wife.  
  
Chandler slowly stroke her cheek, careful not to wake her up. It was so hard to believe that she was sick. She didn't look like it. She looked so healthy, like she was just taking a nap and not sleeping because her illness was making her tired.  
  
"Let's just hope this is the last time you get this disease, huh?" he whispered to her. "Hopefully we can just be a happy family once all of this is over. You're going to be a wonderful mother to our baby, you already are a fantastic mother to Gina. So unlike your own mother…"  
  
His smile faded somewhat, but his eyes were still filled with love. He loved her more than anything else. He was not going to let her slip away from him. What he didn't dare to tell her was that he would gladly risk the life of the baby if it could save Monica. Not because he didn't want the baby, because he really did, but because Monica meant more to him than anything else. Not even his unborn son or daughter could compete with what she meant to him, and always would mean.  
  
*  
  
It was the second week of January. Chandler sat on Monica's bedside with her hand in his. He wondered if she felt nervous or anxious. The doctor was on his way to induce labour.  
  
Chandler looked at her and felt a bit surprised that she looked completely calm. He was a lot more nervous than she was, apparently. Monica didn't seem like she was concerned about anything at all.  
  
The doctor entered, with a slight smile on his lips.  
  
"Okay then Monica. This is it. We're going to have your baby."  
  
Monica calmly shook her head.  
  
"No, we're not."  
  
Chandler's eyebrows practically touched the ceiling.  
  
"Say what, Monica?"  
  
She looked up at him and then at the doctor.  
  
"We're not inducing labour today."  
  
"Monica, I understand if you are concerned about labour" the doctor said. "But we have got to induce sooner or later anyway."  
  
"And it's going to be later."  
  
"Like hell it is" Chandler muttered. He turned to the doctor. "Doctor, how exactly are you going to do this?"  
  
"We won't get to find out in a while yet" Monica said, slightly annoyed. "Chandler I am not having the baby today!"  
  
"Yes you are" Chandler said firmly.  
  
"No I'm not. Hey, it's my body, I have a right to say when."  
  
"Doctor would you please talk some sense into her?" Chandler said, annoyed.  
  
"Doesn't matter what he says" Monica stated.  
  
Chandler turned his head back to look at her, having looked at the doctor the last time he spoke. Monica recoiled when she saw the anger in his eyes.  
  
"Monica, we had a deal, damn it! You were going to let them induce labour so they could start giving you the treatment!"  
  
"Chandler I want them to give me the treatment, it's not about that" Monica said. "But I can't risk having the baby yet! It's too small!"  
  
"Oh, what do you really--" Chandler began, but Monica cut him off.  
  
"The baby's lunges aren't developed yet! And I'm not going to risk him or her dying just because I couldn't wait a week or two more! I want the baby to have the time to develop it's lungs more!"  
  
"I don't care about the baby's lunges" Chandler exclaimed, getting madder. "I don't care one bit, do you get that? I don't care for the simple reason that they can keep our baby alive anyhow. You, on the other hand, cannot be kept alive for too long if you don't start having the treatment NOW! You are the most important person to me, the baby comes in second, I'm sorry Monica, but the baby does!"  
  
"Well it doesn't matter, because the baby comes in first with me!" Monica hissed.  
  
The doctor eyed them both, then slowly and quietly exited the room.  
  
"You are just the most annoyingly selfish person I have ever met for as long as I've lived!" Chandler bawled. "You're so into your own little world that you can't even THINK straight! Save your OWN life, damn it! THAT'S the best thing you can do for the baby!"  
  
"Yeah, sure, the baby will be better off dead with a healthy mother" Monica bawled back, her voice thick of sarcasm.  
  
"The baby is not going to die, you are in much higher risk of that than the baby is!" Chandler replied. "And I swear to you, right here, right now, I'd choose your life over the baby's any day. Because I have a child already, and another child would just make my life better. But what's making it good in the first place is you, so if you're taken away then you make it altogether bad. And can you honestly tell me that what you want for our children is for them to grow up with a dead mother and a father who is so lost in grief that he can't take care of them?"  
  
"You know what, that's it, that is ENOUGH!" Monica angrily said. "You know what, you get on your feet and you get the hell out of here and you don't come back until you've got something else to say to me than that you think I'm going to die. That in fact you're SURE of it. I don't need that kind of shit from you right now, I need your SUPPORT, I need you to BELIEVE in my recovery."  
  
"I'm just being REALISTIC!" Chandler cried back. "I do not think you are going to die, but I KNOW for SURE that you have GOT to give birth now or you won't be strong enough to survive the cancer! That is realism Monica, not pessimism."  
  
"Yeah, well you can still get the hell out of here until you start being a bit more encouraging!" Monica yelled, and pointed for the door. "Bye, Chandler!"  
  
Chandler angrily flew to his feet and marched for the door. He stopped just as he was about to reach for the knob.  
  
"Thank you for appreciating my love and concern for you" he hissed sarcastically, and then left.  
  
Monica felt a wave of anger crash over her, and she angrily crossed her arms as she saw him leave through the glass wall. She knew she would win their battle in the end, and she knew that he knew it too. He couldn't compete with her stubbornness in any way. But she had to admit to herself that he was almost as stubborn as she was, when it came to things he wanted for her. Her safety and well-being seemed to be his highest priority, but at this moment this fact only annoyed her. She didn't want to be his little project, she didn't want his entire life to circle around her.  
  
She sighed and shook her head. Yes, she would win this battle. But at the same time she was very well aware of how hard she'd fought for him if things would have been the other way around. That he was the sick one and for some reason unable to get the treatment he needed. She would fight for him with beaks and claws and make sure he got through it okay. She closed her eyes hard. Just the thought of seeing him in the state she had been when she was sick the last time made her stomach turn.  
  
She shook her head and made up her mind never to think along those lines. She couldn't allow herself to imagine what she would have felt like in that case, because if she did she might end up letting Chandler have his way.  
  
The tough thing was that deep down inside she wanted to have it his way more than anything. She didn't want to die, but she knew it must seem as if she had a death wish. She blankly refused any form of treatment after all, and she also refused to give birth to her baby right away so that she could be saved.  
  
Monica made up her mind and used the intern-radio next to her bed to ask the doctor, still in the other room, to get inside her own room on the other side of the glass wall. She had something important to ask him.  
  
"Doctor," she said as soon as he was inside her room, "when can you guarantee that my baby will be born healthy and safe?"  
  
The doctor shook his head.  
  
"Monica…" he said. "Monica even babies who are born after nine months when labour kicks in on it's own can be guaranteed to survive."  
  
"Okay fine, then when will you be able to guarantee me that my baby will have the same odds as a baby born when, as you put it, labour kicks in on it's own?"  
  
The doctor sighed heavily, realizing where this was going.  
  
"Monica let's not get into details--"  
  
"Doctor you have two choices" Monica said, interrupting him. "You can either tell me now, or you can watch me pine away until in March the baby is born."  
  
The doctor sighed again, and was obviously wishing he'd chosen another profession, like waitressing.  
  
"I can't give you the answer to your question, Monica. You know, it is VERY individual."  
  
"Well you can figure it out, can't you?" Monica asked, slightly worried. "I mean, for crying out loud you can even OPERATE on unborn children!"  
  
"We can't figure out today when the baby will be about as safe as a nine-month old fetus. But it will be sometime in March anyway, and we can't let you wait for that long Monica."  
  
"Okay, then here's what we'll do…" Monica said. "You can somehow figure out how developed the baby is, am I right? So therefore you can figure out how well developed it's LUNGES are, right?"  
  
"Yes" the doctor sighed.  
  
"Well then that's what we'll do. We can check every day, and then when it's safe enough I'll let you induce. Doctor I do not want to die, but I will not under any circumstance risk this child's life, do you understand that?"  
  
"You're risking your baby's life just as much by just letting it be!" the doctor said, getting frustrated. "An unborn child is 100% depending on his or her mother, and if the mother isn't well then the baby's safety is at risk! I even believe that it would be better if the baby was born today than if we let you wait, because then we can help the baby. Give it what it needs to survive."  
  
"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that what I'M doing?" Monica said, annoyed.  
  
"What I mean was that we can help your child in much better ways than we can while you're still pregnant."  
  
"Cancer is not something you can pass on" Monica pointed out. "The baby won't get cancer from me."  
  
"Of course not" the doctor said, annoyed. "But your body will soon grow sicker, and it will need all of it's energy to repair the damage and fight the illness. With the baby still unborn, you're going to use all your extra strength on the baby. That's how nature works."  
  
"Offspring is the most important thing" Monica concluded the philosophy of nature.  
  
"Luckily enough man has figured out ways to save the offspring without having to kill the mother" the doctor pointed out. "We CAN make your baby survive Monica, we don't think for a second that your child is going to die if you induce labour now."  
  
"You don't see it the way I do" Monica commented. "I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life regretting it and feeling awful about it if I have my baby now, and my baby dies. It's like we just stated, offspring comes first, and as a mother I certainly can't break that law of nature."  
  
"And as a doctor I certainly can't risk my patient's life when there's no need to" the doctor replied. "Let us induce labour Monica."  
  
"When the baby's chances get bigger. Look, the baby RELIES on me to help it survive until it is born! And I am NOT going to let my baby down!"  
  
The doctor sighed. He knew he had no choice. No matter how much he and Chandler wanted to induce labour, he knew that they couldn't unless it was immediate danger for Monica if they didn't. And immediate danger in this case meant if she needed the medication for her cancer right away to keep her alive when the week was over. And she would live for at least another month no matter what happened, and the doctor knew it.  
  
"So we're agreed, then" Monica concluded. "You'll monitor my baby, and when the conditions are better for the child, I'll let you induce."  
  
The doctor sighed and left the room. SHE had agreed, not him.  
  
'Too bad democracy doesn't work for things like this…' he thought.  
  
*  
  
Chandler kept away for the nearest couple of days. He was way too frustrated to be able to visit her without trying to force her to let them induce labour, and her last words to him before he had left had really hurt. He didn't want her to think that he was trying to be mean to her, and he didn't want her to think that he had given up on her. But he knew that he couldn't allow himself to believe that she would make it without any doubt, because if she then died he wouldn't be able to cope with it.  
  
He stared at the computer in front of him at work, and tried to imagine life as it would be like if Monica passed away. He couldn't. There was no way. She was the center of everything in his life. Whatever he thought of he would find a connection to Monica in it. She was entangled into every part of his life, and her being filled every vacated spot. And her love was like a drug he needed to survive.  
  
Chandler realized that no matter how hard he tried, he could not imagine life without Monica. And that made the cold hand that clasped his heart clench a bit more. He was so scared to loose her that just the thought of it made him hyperventilate. He knew that nothing on earth could come between them, there was only death that could separate them. Even if Monica ended up being overwhelmed by guilt for the rest of their lives, they would still be able to make their marriage work, and be happy together. He would even be able to forgive her if she cheated. He would be devastated if she did, but he wouldn't even consider divorce. And deep down he knew that she would react the same way if he were unfaithful. So the only possible thing that could separate them was death.  
  
Chandler bit his lower lip. Why was life so unfair? He'd never been really happy until he got together with Monica. Would he now be forced to loose her? All he wanted was to live the rest of his life together with her, was that really so much to ask for? Had he done something wrong in a past life, or something? Sometimes it felt as if he were being severely punished for something he'd done somewhere, sometime. Getting to meet the love of his life, but then have her taken away.  
  
'Stop it Chandler!' he thought. 'Monica is not going to die. No way! And there is no such thing as karma, the only thing that this is about is that some people get serious diseases and some don't.'  
  
He sighed and hoped that he would be able to include that people like Monica would survive. But he knew that he couldn't. But she was a fighter, that was one thing he didn't doubt. She wouldn't give up even when she had all the odds against her. But what she seemed to fail to realize was that not giving up wasn't always synonymous with winning. She had no control over weather or not she would survive. The only thing she could do was to let the doctors do their best to save her. And he wished she would forget about the baby for just a second, and focus on herself instead. He didn't know his unborn child, and although he loved it he wouldn't miss it if it died in the same way he would miss Regina. The baby wasn't really real to him yet, even though he knew that the child was alive. He just couldn't prioritize something that he didn't really think of as real above his wife. The hard thing was to get Monica to see it that way.  
  
"The damn woman has got more maternal instincts than five bears and eight lions together…" he mumbled to himself. "She ain't putting anything above the safety of her child. I don't even think she'd put me above the baby…"  
  
He frowned and thought about his last statement. Was that really true? If Monica ever had to choose between his survival or the survival of their unborn child, would Monica go with the child? Would she choose to save Regina if she had to make the choice between her husband and her daughter.  
  
Then he shook his head once again. He was thinking crazy. He'd seen way too many episodes of "The X-Files". And deep down inside he knew that he would never allow Monica to save his life above Regina's. So it was no wonder Monica wouldn't let him save her life above their unborn child's.  
  
*  
  
Monica dried her tears with the back of her hand. It was late evening, three days after they had planned on inducing labour. She was alone, none of her friends were able to be there at the moment. Ross and Dana were out of town with Ben, Carol and Susan and Rachel and Joey had come down with the stomach flue. And Phoebe was getting married any day now, so she had a lot of planning to do. She had gotten engaged to her boyfriend Tim six months earlier. She wanted to postpone the wedding for Monica's sake, but Monica had told her not to.  
  
What made Monica cry was the fact that Chandler hadn't been there to see her since their argument. She missed him terribly, in over five years she had seen him every single day, and she was in no way used to not seeing him. She'd thought he would have known that she didn't mean what she'd shouted at him right before he'd left the last time they saw each other. He had to know she didn't mean it. He knew her better than she knew herself, and he ought to know how much she needed him. But he hadn't come to visit.  
  
Monica felt terribly lonely and abandoned. The only people she had seen these three days had been doctors and nurses, and Joey at one occasion. She wanted Chandler to be there. She wanted him to hug her, she wanted to feel how good he smelled, she wanted to be able to kiss him and to just feel his presence. She felt like she couldn't hold on any longer until she got to see him. But she didn't want to call him and ask him to come over. Not because she was too proud, because seeing him was by now such a basic need for her that her pride would always come in second. But she didn't want to have to beg her husband to come visit her. And just the fact that it seemed as if she might have to, made her start to cry again. She wished he would only just call her at least, so she could get to hear his voice.  
  
She reached over to the phone on her nightstand and dialed the number for his cell phone. She heard him answer.  
  
"Hello?" she heard him say a second time, then he was quiet for a few seconds. "Hello, is there anyone there?"  
  
She hung up and sobbed. She had gotten to hear his voice, but it had had the opposite effect than she had hoped for. Now she just missed him even more.  
  
'Oh Chandler, why aren't you here?' she asked him in her thoughts. 'Just come see me, I need you to!'  
  
But somehow she knew he wouldn't. She would have to fall asleep yet another night without seeing his face during the day. She wondered for a second if he was trying to teach her a lesson of some kind, but she didn't think so.  
  
'Gosh, he must be so mad at me for what I said…' she thought, and bit her lower lip. She made an effort to stop crying. 'I'd even be happy to hear him criticize me for the choice I've made and to hear him tell me how disappointed he is in me for risking my life! I'd be happy to hear him say anything at all, or DO anything at all, as long as he would just come to see me!'  
  
She felt incredibly miserable, and for the first time she really started to feel like she was sick. She shivered and pulled a blanket over the covers to keep her warmer. She closed her eyes and cried herself to sleep.  
  
*  
  
Two days later Chandler showed up. She saw him through the glass wall as he entered the room outside of hers that he had to pass through in order to get to her room. She wondered if he was just there to catch a glimpse of her to see how she was doing, and then leave. She hoped not. She hoped he had come there to talk to her. She hoped he would come into her room instead of just look at her through the glass wall. She felt a lump in her throat when she wondered if he would just speak to her through the intern-radio.  
  
Chandler stopped when he reached the wall and looked at her. His face was expressionless, hers had lit up with an expression he couldn't interpret. He just stood there for a few minutes, looking at her. He could see her face getting a resigned look, and then she turned her head away from him. She didn't want him to be able to look directly into her eyes and at her face.  
  
Chandler turned and thought about leaving and coming back later. Then he dismissed the idea. He opened the door to her room and went inside.  
  
Monica looked up in surprise when she heard him enter. She wished he would give up the poker face and give her a chance to interpret his mood by the look on his face. She wanted to ask him not to be mad, but somehow she couldn't make herself speak.  
  
He walked over and sat down on the chair next to her bed. Monica decided that she didn't care if he was mad at her or not. She had waited for five days to get to see him, and now he was there. She threw herself in his arms, happy that he was sitting so close to her bed that she just had to lean her upper body closer to be in his arms.  
  
"Damn it, I have missed you so much, where the hell have you been?" she whispered.  
  
She could feel his hand slowly starting to stroke the back of her head, in such a gentle way that she knew he wasn't mad at her. She began to cry in relief, silently.  
  
"Sorry" he mumbled. "Gina had the stomach flue two days ago."  
  
"That's a lie" Monica whispered. "Ross was here yesterday and she said Regina was just fine."  
  
"Okay, Gina didn't have the stomach flue…" Chandler admitted. "But we didn't know if she or I were going to get sick. And I didn't want to risk you catching it. And that's true."  
  
Monica nodded slightly. She tried to cease to cry, and pulled back.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Chandler asked.  
  
"Tired" Monica admitted.  
  
'Damn it!' she thought. 'He finally comes by and I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open!'  
  
"You go to sleep if you want to…" Chandler said. "I'm not going anywhere. I will still be here when you wake up."  
  
Monica smiled through her tears and stopped crying. He knew what she had been thinking, and he was going to stay there until she'd woken up at least. She closed her eyes and soon went to sleep.  
  
Chandler watched her as she slept. For the first time he could actually tell she was sick. She was paler than usual, and he could tell she was sweating slightly. She looked a bit thinner than before, and he wondered if she was eating as much as she should. For the baby's sake she had to eat a lot. If she only ate for one, then that one would be the baby, so it was important that she ate as she should. Otherwise she wouldn't have any strength left. He also noticed that she was a bit blue under her eyes. He wondered if it was lack of sleep, or something else.  
  
"I love you…" he whispered to her.  
  
He gently brushed her hair to the side. It wasn't as shiny as he was used to it being. It almost looked dead. Chandler had been told that she would most likely loose her hair when the treatment started. When she'd had leukemia they had managed to keep her hair, but this time it was another form of cancer and it required some other forms of treatment.  
  
Monica woke up two hours later, and relaxed a little when the first thing she saw was him. He had kept his word and was still there. He looked a little worried, and placed his hand on her forehead, slowly stroking it with his thumb.  
  
"How do you feel?" he asked in a whisper.  
  
"Average…"  
  
"Should I go get the doctor?" he asked in a more normal tone.  
  
"What for?"  
  
"So we can induce."  
  
Monica shook her head.  
  
"No, not today Chandler."  
  
She suddenly felt very afraid. She knew she had to tell him what she and the doctor had decided, but she was scared he would get mad and disappear for a few days again.  
  
"Why not?" he asked. "It's been almost a week since we were originally gonna do it. The baby is much stronger now."  
  
"Not strong enough, honey" Monica whispered. She felt so unsure, and even calling him 'honey' felt like a risk.  
  
"What do you know about it?" he asked, softly and not angrily. "Monica the doctor wouldn't have suggested inducing earlier this week if he didn't think the baby would make it. And now it's had five more days."  
  
"Chandler listen to me for a second, okay?" Monica said in a low and weak voice, afraid to wake his anger. "They are monitoring the baby now. And when they say that the baby's lunges are developed enough then I will let them induce."  
  
"We can't wait that long" Chandler said. "YOU can't wait that long. Monica we made a DEAL. Don't you dare back out of it now."  
  
"Please Chandler don't be mad…" Monica pleaded in the same low voice, starting to cry. "Don't go away again… Just let me do this!"  
  
Chandler sighed deeply and hid his face in his hands.  
  
"Monica don't think I'll stay away again just because we disagree on something… That has NEVER been the deal with us two, I had several reasons more to stay away these five days… And please, won't you realize that this is REALITY we're talking about here?" He looked up at her. "REALITY Monica. And REALITY in this case means that if you are not careful then you won't pull through. Why take such a risk?"  
  
"The baby kicked just as you said that…" Monica said in a whisper, drying her tears. She hated the fact that she seemed to cry all the time these days. She had never been the crying type. "The baby is why I'm taking the risk. And I know it will be worth it. It will be 100% worth it."  
  
"Yeah, for YOU!" Chandler hissed. "But to me, NOTHING is worth loosing you over, do you hear? NOTHING!"  
  
"Nothing is worth loosing you over to me, either…" Monica whispered, and gently stroke his cheek. "But if anything would be, it would be this baby's life."  
  
"But if…" Chandler echoed, annoyed. "But if pigs had had wings they would be able to fly… You can't add a 'but if' Monica and expect it to be valid. Nothing is worth your death, and I don't care how many babies I have to loose in the process of keeping you alive. Damn it, I think I would even chose your life over Regina's…"  
  
Monica stared at him and pulled back her hand. She was completely shocked  
  
"Chandler!" she exclaimed. Then she shook her head violently and turned her head away from him. "Don't say that!" she said, sounding almost desperate. "Don't say that! I don't want to hear you say that! Not even if that is how you truly feel do I want to hear you say that! And I don't want you to think it either! Don't value me over her, don't EVER value me over her, you'll only end up with your heart shattered in a million pieces… And I can't handle the thought of meaning more to you that our daughter, because your job as a father is to protect her and guard her at all cost!"  
  
"Easy, easy…" Chandler soothed. "Calm down sweetheart, this is not good for you… And don't worry. I would die for Gina and you know I would."  
  
Monica looked at him, calming down. She was quiet for a while, then she spoke again.  
  
"Just like I would die for the baby that hasn't been born yet. It's the exact same thing. At least it is to me."  
  
"Would you risk my life for the safety of this unborn child?" Chandler calmly asked her. "Would you?"  
  
Monica didn't answer. She knew the answer would be no. She loved her unborn child but not as deeply as she loved Chandler. The baby was not even born yet, she couldn't love that child more than her husband. But she didn't want to say it, admit it to him. Because the second she did he would win.  
  
*  
  
Chandler was ready to tare off his hair in frustration. It was now January 31st and Monica still hadn't given birth. Each time anyone had suggested inducing she had protested wildly and said she wanted to wait until the baby was stronger. But at the same time her illness had turned out to be a bit worse than the doctors had thought at first. Her cancer was an inoperable tumor in her right arm, and now it had metastasized. She was getting sicker, and she needed treatment ASAP.  
  
He looked at her from his place in the chair next to her bed, and saw how ill she was. She was looking terrible, almost like she had looked in early January the last time she was sick. She was weak and pale, and the shadows in her face were bigger now. She was dark blue under her eyes and when she had her eyes open he could see how bloodshot they were. And she was swollen around her eyes. Her breath was wheezing.  
  
"Monica…" he said softly, getting her attention. "Monica, you know you can't wait much longer now…"  
  
Monica nodded slowly. She watched Chandler get up and leave to go to the bathroom. She closed her eyes and opened them again a few minutes later when she heard someone enter. Phoebe was standing in the room, looking healthier than ever. She had gotten back from her honeymoon just hours earlier and she'd had the time of her life. Now she was shocked to see how Monica was looking.  
  
"Oh my goodness, Monica…" she whispered.  
  
"Hi, Phoebs…" Monica said with a weak smile.  
  
Phoebe came over to her and looked at her, unable to believe her eyes. Her eyes were starting to tear up.  
  
"My god Monica, why haven't you told me how sick you are?" she asked in a whisper. "You look so… so…"  
  
"I didn't want to spoil your honeymoon" Monica told her. "There was nothing you could do for me anyhow."  
  
"But I could at least have been there these two weeks… Monica you're not… going to…"  
  
"No I'm not dying yet" Monica said with a weak smile. "But I'm having the baby now. I mean, I'm not in labour, but I don't think we can put it off much longer now… I would prefer to wait for as long as possible, but I can't do that to Chandler."  
  
Phoebe talked to her quietly for a few minutes, not really knowing what to say. Monica's condition had scared and surprised her. Just a few hours earlier Phoebe had felt like the happiest woman on earth, but now she felt terrified and depressed.  
  
Chandler came back and gave Phoebe a hug. Then he looked at Monica with begging eyes.  
  
"Chandler…" Monica said with a husky voice. "Chandler I think it's time to induce now… We'd better do that now."  
  
Chandler nodded and hurried closer to give her a kiss on the cheek.  
  
"I'll go get the doctor…"  
  
  
Review please... And read part10 if you wanna know what happens next, ;)!  



	10. Always10

Always, 10  
  
  
INTRODUCTION: Part 10 of 13, as most of you know... :) Not too much to tell, this part brings the story a bit more forward than the last part did, though.  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the "Friends" characters.  
  
  
Monica groaned in pain and waited for the contraction to end. Chandler slowly stroke her neck and held her hand. He felt like he was caught in hell, it was devastating to see Monica in such pain when she was so sick.  
  
"There…" he mumbled and stroke her forehead instead of her neck. "You're doing great, Monica."  
  
Monica felt the contraction fade out and felt relieved. But she knew the relief wouldn't last for long. He had been in labour for five hours by now, and the doctors were speeding the process up, using a new method they'd discovered the year before. She looked at the glass wall, or more correctly at the people on the other side. Her parents were there as well as Phoebe and her husband Tim, Joey, Rachel and Ross. Regina was at home with Dana, and she hadn't been told that her mother was in labour. Chandler didn't want her to worry.  
  
"You doing okay?" Chandler asked Monica. "Do you need anything?"  
  
"A healthy body" Monica tried to joke, but she knew it wasn't funny.  
  
"It won't be too much longer now, my darling" Chandler told her and kissed her on the top of her head.  
  
"That's correct…" the obstetrician that had been called in mumbled. "Nine centimeters. Not much longer now, Monica."  
  
"Doctor, how am I doing?" Monica asked, feeling very weak. "Will I be able to do this?"  
  
"I don't think we need to have a c-section done on you" the doctor mumbled. He seemed to always mumble when he spoke. "But you're probably gonna feel like hell once it's over."  
  
"Thank you, how encouraging" Chandler hissed, annoyed.  
  
"And the baby?" Monica asked, now with a lot of concern in her voice. "Is my baby okay?"  
  
"So far, yeah" the doctor mumbled.  
  
"And will he or she survive?"  
  
"How should I know?" the doctor mumbled. "We're going to have to wait and see. But we're not giving up on your child straight off. And believe me Monica, I have delivered children much more premature than just two months. And I haven't lost a baby yet."  
  
Monica smiled, content with the answer. She couldn't back out of labour now, and knowing that her baby would most likely survive made her feel confident.  
  
She looked up at her husband who was eyeing her with eyes full of worry.  
  
"Sweetie…" he said. "Are you really sure you're doing okay? You're not feeling sick or anything?"  
  
Monica had a terrible head ache, and her arm hurt very much around the area where she had the tumor. But she shook her head. Chandler knew that she only meant that she wasn't too sick to be able to handle it.  
  
*  
  
Out in the outside room Phoebe was nervously pacing around.  
  
"What on earth is TAKING so long?" she asked no one. "This isn't good for her, she's looking to pale!"  
  
"Phoebe relax" Tim said, putting his hands on her shoulders and making her stop pacing. "It's labour, okay? And of course it's going to be hard on her. What else did you expect? But the only doctor in there right now is the obstetrician, it can't be that serious if her other doctor isn't there."  
  
Phoebe calmed down a bit and sat down on one of the five chairs in the room. Monica's parents were in two of the others, and Joey was in another one. Rachel and Ross were both too stressed to be able to sit down.  
  
"Looks like she's having another contraction" Rachel said and started biting her finger nails. "Gosh this is so horrible… I have never felt so freaked out in my entire life… Not even when she was dead for a few minutes the last time she was sick."  
  
"I thought that was a lot worse than this…" Joey said. "I was in the room with her just a minute before she… well, died. It was so intense and so real to me."  
  
"I think this is worse anyhow" Rachel said. "Because now we know she's in a lot of pain, and that she's really sick. Not a good combination."  
  
"Chandler looks pretty weary…" Judy commented. "Poor man, this isn't easy for him either."  
  
"You can tell he's scared…" Rachel mumbled. "Because he didn't freak out or anything when Regina was born. He was more calm than I'd ever seen him before in my life! Now he's looking like he's afraid she'll die if she closes her eyes!"  
  
"He still seems to manage to make her laugh" Ross said with a smile, seeing Monica laugh slightly to a comment from Chandler. "That's good. She needs some cheering up."  
  
"I'm gonna go call Dana and see how Regina's doing" Jack said and rose from his chair. "I feel like I need to get out of here for a while."  
  
*  
  
Monica saw her father rise and leave and she smiled slightly. She was happy that her parents were there, even if they technically weren't in the room with her. The doctors wanted only Chandler to be in there with her, since the room was pretty small and there would be a large crew of doctors once the actual delivery started.  
  
She gave Chandler a weak smile. She was getting weaker by the minute, each contraction took lots of her energy away. She made up her mind to try and keep as still as she could, to save her strength.  
  
She considered reaching up and stroking Chandler's cheek, but decided not to since that would be a larger movement. Her smile got a little bit bigger when Chandler met her eyes and weakly smiled back at her. Looking at him now made her full of love and full of hope. Everything was going to work out okay now. The baby would be born hopefully by the end of the hour, and then she would only have to take care of herself. The treatment would start the next day, giving her one night to rest first. And once the treatment started she would be able to recover, and then come home to her husband and her two children.  
  
Chandler leaned in and gave her a soft kiss. He looked deep into her eyes for a few seconds, and then carefully kissed her with his tongue. He saw an even wider smile on her face when he pulled back. But he also saw how weak she was getting.  
  
He wrinkled his forehead in thought just as she got another contraction. He gently leaned her forward and rubbed the small of her back, but his mind was elsewhere. When the contraction ended he leaned her back again, and then rose from his chair. He went over to the doctor.  
  
"Doctor," he said in a low voice, "this is taking too much out of her. Look how weak she is. Wouldn't a caesarian surgery be better?"  
  
"I don't know how well informed you are when it comes to cancer," the doctor mumbled, "but no, that would not be better."  
  
"Why not?"  
  
"Cancer patients heal wounds very slowly. A cut can take days. Just imagine how long it would take for her to heal after a caesarian. And the longer it takes for a wound to heal, the bigger the risks for infection. And an infection at this stage might very well kill her."  
  
Chandler sighed and went back to Monica's side. She was looking ready to drift off to sleep in any minute. Chandler put his arm around her and felt her relax a little. Then she fell asleep. Although he was relieved that she was getting rest, Chandler couldn't help feeling a bit worried that she wouldn't wake up again. But three minutes later she got another contraction and woke up.  
  
"Just try to take it easy, Mon…" Chandler said, hoping he sounded calm. He hated every minute of this. What he wanted most of all was to leave, to go somewhere else, somewhere where he didn't have to see and hear how the woman he loved was in so much pain. It had been tough when Regina was born, but now Monica was so sick and that made it all so much worse.  
  
"This will all be over soon, my love…" he whispered to her, not knowing if he was talking about the contraction, the birth or the disease. Either way it didn't matter, and he hoped that it would be true in all three cases.  
  
Monica relaxed a little after the contraction and tried to go back to sleep. It wasn't as easy as she'd expected though. She was starting to get an endorphin rush, keeping her awake more efficiently than a cup of black coffee or a walk in a cold windy night.  
  
"Chandler I'm tired…" she whispered.  
  
"Yes darling, I know you are" Chandler said softly. "But just a little longer, okay? It can't be long now, you'll be having this baby in no time."  
  
"I hope you're right…"  
  
"Of course I'm right. When was the last time I was wrong?"  
  
"Ten minutes ago when you said it would stop snowing."  
  
Chandler looked out the window at the snowstorm that had just begun. He had a sarcastic smile on his lips.  
  
"Well you have to admit that if not else, you can at least listen to my predictions for pure entertainment" he said. "Apparently they never come true."  
  
*  
  
Fifteen minutes later the others watched through the glass wall when Monica started to push. She was practically sitting up and had Chandler's arm around her shoulders. He was talking to her but they couldn't hear what he was saying. The small room was filled with doctors and with equipment to help save the baby's life.  
  
"Not long now…" Phoebe muttered to herself, more nervous than she'd ever been. Not even when she'd given birth to the triplets had she felt this nervous and anxious.  
  
"Can't this just be over soon?" Rachel said in frustration and turned her head away from the scene on the other side of the wall. She soon returned to looking at it though.  
  
Jack and Judy were standing together right behind Rachel, looking at their daughter and son-in-law through the wall. They could hear through the wall how the obstetrician in a loud voice told Monica to focus and to push.  
  
"I hope poor Monica has got the strength to do this" Judy said. "What a blessing that she's not having twins."  
  
"Damn it, how long is this going to take?" Joey said and watched as another midwife started talking to Monica.  
  
*  
  
Monica had her eyes closed in the intense pain and she could feel how the doctor was pulling the baby out of her once the head was out. But she didn't feel one bit relieved. This was the worst part of it all, waiting to hear if the baby would scream or not. If it's lunges were developed enough.  
  
She was too weak to cry, but she came awfully close when she heard a weak cry from the baby. She opened her eyes but couldn't focus them at first. All she could see was a fuzzy blur. Chandler kissed her lovingly on the top of her head and she could feel him giving her shoulders a squeeze. Then she managed to blink her vision back.  
  
Her first thought was that he was bigger than she'd expected. Her son wasn't as big as a normal child born after nine months, but he wasn't as tiny as she had thought he would be. But his cry was weak, although somehow determined.  
  
Chandler was looking at the baby as well, with a large smile on his face. Monica had gotten her wish, they had a little son. He turned Monica's head towards him and lovingly kissed her, not really noticing how weak she was.  
  
*  
  
From the other side of the wall Monica's family and friends saw Chandler rise and leave her side, and they all had wide smiles of relief in their faces.  
  
"Well, she did it…" Rachel stated, sounding proud and very emotional. "Monica did it… And judging by the looks on their faces the baby is okay."  
  
All seven of them were trying their best to catch a glimpse of the baby, or Monica, but both were blocked by a crowd of doctors and midwifes. The doctor who had followed Monica throughout her disease so far was the only doctor they recognized. And of course the obstetrician.  
  
They could every now and then catch a glimpse of Chandler, who was standing with his back turned to them, looking at the baby as two of the doctors checked it's vitals. The room was organized chaos.  
  
*  
  
Chandler carefully held his son who was wrapped in a blue blanket. He smiled big and walked over to the glass wall, so that the people on the other side could see. He could see that Phoebe, Rachel and Joey had tears in their eyes and that Monica's mother wasn't far from that state either. Chandler leaned down and kissed his son on the forehead, then he walked over to Monica and sat down on her bedside. Her eyes were closed and he wondered if she'd fallen asleep.  
  
"Monica, honey? Open your eyes. Open your eyes and meet your new son…" he whispered to her.  
  
She slowly opened her eyes and looked first at Chandler, then at the baby. She smiled lovingly at the infant in her husband's arms. Chandler carefully placed the baby in her arms. She was lying down again, and able to hold the baby even though she was weak. The baby was sobbing lightly, but the warm blanket had made him cry a lot less.  
  
"God, he's so beautiful…" Monica whispered, gently letting her fingertips trace along the baby's cheeks.  
  
"And he's just fine, Monica" Chandler said with a voice filled of love. "He doesn't seem to be in any immediate danger, and it's thanks to you."  
  
He kissed her lovingly on the forehead.  
  
Monica looked up at the doctor standing closest to her.  
  
"Can I nurse him?" she asked.  
  
"Sure…" the doctor said. "Go ahead. You're not on any medication at the moment, and I think it would be good for him…"  
  
*  
  
"Oh look…" Rachel said. "She's feeding him!"  
  
"She seems to be doing just fine" Tim said with a smile and gave Phoebe a hug. "See? I told you not to worry so much."  
  
"I can't believe our daughter has a son…" Jack said to Judy.  
  
"It makes me feel old" Judy said, and then laughed slightly.  
  
"I am so relieved…" Joey stated, and sank down on a chair. "Now the baby is born and seems to be healthy, and Monica can get her treatment. Everything is going to work out just okay now!"  
  
The others smiled and hoped he was right. They all felt emotionally drained. It had been a tough afternoon, especially for Monica and Chandler, but for their family and friends as well. Now everybody felt as if the hardest part was over. The baby was born, and seemingly healthy, so from hereon by things could only go in one direction, better. Monica would get better soon and their nights of worry would be over.  
  
*  
  
An hour later Chandler and Monica were all alone. The doctors had taken their son with them, trying their best to make sure he wouldn't die. He was still not home free.  
  
Monica was sleeping, completely exhausted. Chandler couldn't stop watching her, and decided to call over his cell phone to tell Regina that she'd become a sister.  
  
Dana answered when he called, and he asked to speak with his daughter.  
  
"Daddy?" he heard Regina say when she took the phone.  
  
"Hi, pumpkin."  
  
"Why is everyone not here?" Regina asked, not understanding why everyone had taken off in such a rush a few hours later.  
  
"They're on their way home" Chandler told her. "And I have got some news for you."  
  
"What news?"  
  
"Mommy gave birth today. You've got a little brother, Gina."  
  
Regina was quiet for about ten seconds.  
  
"What?" she then asked.  
  
"Honey you're a big sister now… with a tiny little brother who's only an hour old."  
  
He talked to her for a few more minutes and then spoke to Dana for a minute. Then he hung up and put the phone on Monica's nightstand. Then he got on the bed next to her. She woke up and grunted, a bit surprised. Chandler urged her gently to scoot over and she did, giving him a little more room. Then he put his arm around her and fell asleep together with her.  
  
*  
  
The next day Monica was a bit better. She had just had her first chemotherapy and that made her feel pretty ill, but she wasn't tired at least. She was holding her little boy in her arms, unable to take her eyes off him. Then Chandler entered with Regina in his arms.  
  
"Mommy!" Regina cried, not having seen her mother for a few days.  
  
Monica forced herself to look up at her instead of at the baby.  
  
"Hi there, honey" she said with a weak smile.  
  
Chandler sat down on the chair next to the bed, with Regina in his arms.  
  
"Say hello to your brother" Monica said, and lifted the boy up slightly so that her daughter could take a closer look.  
  
"He's bald" Regina said.  
  
Monica couldn't help but to laugh slightly.  
  
"Don't worry, he will get hair."  
  
"We should get him a wig" Regina suggested. "A blonde one. Nobody's blonde in this family."  
  
Chandler chuckled slightly.  
  
"We're not getting him a wig, Regina. He's gonna get hair soon."  
  
"Why doesn't he have hair now?"  
  
"Some babies are born bald" Monica explained.  
  
"Well I sure wasn't!" Regina decided.  
  
"No, that's true" Chandler said.  
  
He stayed for an hour and then took Regina home again. He felt torn, not really knowing where to be. Regina needed a parent at home with her, but Monica needed his support at the hospital when she was going through the treatment. And he wanted to be able to spend as much time around the baby as possible.  
  
*  
  
Chandler sat by Monica's bedside a week after the baby had been born. Their son was already much stronger, and the doctors were full of confidence that he would survive. Chandler couldn't get enough of holding him.  
  
"Mommy's probably going to wake up any minute now!" he told his son. "And she is going to be so happy to see you here when she does." He kissed the baby on the forehead. "You are such an odd baby, a week ago I would gladly have risked your life to save your mother's but as soon as I held you in my arms I knew I would do anything to help you survive. I didn't really feel that way before you were born."  
  
The baby looked at him and wrinkled his face as if he was going to cry. Instead he yawned, opening his hands while he did. Then he clenched his hands into fists and closed his eyes, falling asleep.  
  
"Looks like I'm the only awake person in the room" Chandler said to no one. "What a blast, now I get to talk to myself instead of to another person."  
  
A few minutes later Monica woke up, with a distant look in her eyes at first.  
  
"Hey" Chandler said.  
  
Monica turned her head slowly to look at him, and smiled lovingly. Seeing him with their son in his arms made her feel extremely happy. She had almost worried he wouldn't love their baby based on some of the things he had said in the past two months, but when she looked at him now she knew she wouldn't have to worry. It was obvious that he adored the child.  
  
"Unfortunately this little one is too tired to take part in today's family gathering" Chandler said. "So you're going to have to get by with just me."  
  
Monica smiled.  
  
"Well that's not too bad… Come here, Chandler."  
  
He leaned closer so she could give him a kiss. Then he smiled lovingly at her and leaned back again.  
  
"You can hold him in a while, I just… I just want to hold him a bit longer first" he said.  
  
"I don't mind watching you hold him" Monica said. "The two boys I love the most… Not such a bad thing to see."  
  
Chandler gave a little laugh.  
  
"Now you know how I feel when I see you and Regina."  
  
"What are the doctors saying, is he doing okay?" she asked, sounding worried.  
  
"Oh yeah" Chandler said. "They think he's going to be just fine. They can't guarantee it of course, but he's growing bigger and he's eating okay and everything…"  
  
Monica looked a bit sad.  
  
"I wish I could nurse him…" she said.  
  
"Well, I'm sorry honey, but you can't" Chandler said. "You know you can't. Your milk might have traces of the medication and it might kill him."  
  
"Yeah, I know" Monica said with a sad nod. "But it just feels so strange… Kinda' like I'm not really his mother, you know? When I have to feed him with a bottle."  
  
"Well you are his real mother" Chandler said. "What you have done for him is more than most mothers ever do for their children, and all this before he was even born."  
  
"Thank you…" Monica said, appreciating the compliment.  
  
"So how do you feel, honey?" Chandler asked.  
  
"Bad" Monica admitted. "I've got such a headache, I just want to throw up and my arm is hurting so bad…"  
  
Chandler looked at her sadly.  
  
"Just don't give up, sweetheart" he said. "You've come this far, and now you've got no one else to think about than yourself. You're going to get through this without any doubt. And soon you'll be at home with me and our two babies."  
  
"Chandler what are we going to name him?" Monica asked.  
  
"Well, I guess Virgil is out of the question…"  
  
"I hope you were kidding with even bringing the name up again" Monica said.  
  
"Actually no, but whatever…"  
  
"What else do you think we should name him?" Monica asked.  
  
"I'm happy with whatever you suggest."  
  
"No honey, I wanna hear YOUR suggestions."  
  
"Oh I don't know…" Chandler said. "Something a bit more original perhaps… What do you think?"  
  
Monica sighed.  
  
"I'm not gonna get any suggestions out of you, am I?" she asked.  
  
"What, I was just asking. Anyway, how about…" Chandler thought for a second. "Okay, honestly Monica, I have no suggestions. I've had so much to do and to think about lately that I haven't pondered over names. How about Jason?"  
  
"No…" Monica said. "I wanna stay clear of the mythology thing. Phoebe's been filling my ears about the goddess of sleep, Hyphnos. I've had enough of it."  
  
She shook her head to try to stay awake. She was so tired almost all the time now, and it annoyed her that she sometimes fell asleep in the middle of sentences.  
  
"You okay there?" Chandler asked. "You can go to sleep if you want. I'll stay until you wake up, you know I will."  
  
"Yes sweetie, I know… But I don't want to sleep. I want to name our son."  
  
"He'll still be here when you wake up" Chandler said with a smile. "Well, maybe not in here, but he won't leave the hospital. And there's plenty of time to name him."  
  
"I know, but for a week now we've just been calling him 'baby' or 'our little boy' or 'our son'… I want to call him by a real name."  
  
"Well, Chandler Jr. is taken…" Chandler jokingly said. "And I wouldn't suggest Ross or Joey because the one we don't pick would get mad."  
  
"If it had been a girl we could have named her Phoebe, since she named one of the triplets after you…" Monica pondered. "And Rachel as a middle name."  
  
"So much for no mythology names" Chandler said with a smile. "And I'm really sorry Mrs. Bing, but I accidentally gave you a son instead of a daughter…"  
  
Monica smiled lovingly.  
  
"And I am very thankful… I've wanted a son forever. To at least have one son and one daughter. And I probably won't be able to have any more children."  
  
"Oh believe me Mrs. Bing, getting you pregnant again is definitely out of the question" Chandler said.  
  
"Two 'Mrs. Bing' in one minute, that's more than usual…" Monica said with a weak smile.  
  
"Whatever," Chandler said, "but this pregnancy has caused me more gray hairs than anything else probably will, and I'm not going to go through anything like this ever again."  
  
"What would be the odds?"  
  
"Couldn't care less about odds" Chandler said. "Not after all that talk about the small odds of you getting sick again."  
  
"So…" Monica said, not wanting to talk about her cancer. "What are we going to name him, Chandler?"  
  
"I dunno… Name him after some famous chef. That's what my mom did with me. She was writing her first book when I was born and wanted to have good luck with her career. So she named me after Raymond Chandler."  
  
"And your dad didn't have a say in it?"  
  
"Sure… But he probably thought Raymond Chandler was hot or something…"  
  
Monica chuckled slightly but then had to close her eyes. Chandler looked up and noticed that she'd fallen asleep.  
  
She woke up again twenty minutes later and was happy to see that Chandler still had the baby in his arms.  
  
"Did you figure out any good names while I was asleep?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah. We should name him Defoe after Daniel Defoe."  
  
Monica sighed at his sarcasm, but couldn't help to smile slightly.  
  
"Defoe Bing sounds like The Fool Bing" she said.  
  
She closed her eyes hard again and tried to fight the pain she felt in her arm and her head. In many ways it was easier to just sleep all the time, that way she didn't have to feel all the pain. But she preferred to sleep when somebody else than Chandler was there. She didn't want to miss a second she had together with him.  
  
"Did you dream anything nice?" Chandler asked.  
  
"I don't think I even got to REM sleep…" Monica said. "So no, I didn't dream anything nice… not that I know of, anyway."  
  
"Well welcome to the way I sleep" Chandler said. "I can't remember the last time I remembered a dream." Then he chuckled. "Maybe we could name him Michael after the singer in REM!"  
  
"Chandler don't make yourself sound anymore stupid than you are…" Monica said, with affection in her voice. "It doesn't suit you very well. But what about Gabriel?"  
  
"Oh, I see what you're doing…" Chandler said, pretending to be annoyed. "You're just going for another archangel than the one I suggested!"  
  
"You didn't suggest we'd name him after one."  
  
"Yeah, but still…" Chandler said, then laughed. "Okay, seriously though… Gabriel sounds nice."  
  
"I know. That's why I suggested it" Monica said. "Chandler can I hold him?"  
  
Chandler reached over and placed the infant in her arms. She looked at the baby lovingly.  
  
"So are we agreed, then?" she asked. "Are we naming him Gabriel?"  
  
"I guess so…" Chandler said. "Gabriel Bing. Wow, he's got the perfect name to make a Hollywood career with" he added jokingly.  
  
Monica ignored his comment and smiled at the baby in her arms. Gabriel wasn't the name she'd had in mind originally, but when she thought about it she liked it better than her first idea. And it wasn't too common, either.  
  
Chandler smiled and rose to get the camera he'd brought. He took a picture of the two, then put the camera back in his coat pocket. He then moved the chair a bit further down, so that he was sitting by Monica's waist and not her head. He took her hand and kissed it. They both looked up when Monica's doctor entered the room with a grim face.  
  
"Oh hi" Chandler said. "Guess what? We just gave our son a name."  
  
"Nice" the doctor said, obviously not interested. "May I have a word with the two of you?"  
  
"Yeah, go ahead and talk" Chandler said.  
  
"Monica… How do you feel?" the doctor asked.  
  
"Good, I suppose" Monica said. "My arm really hurts, though… And so does my head… And I'm actually quite tired and all, plus the side effects from the treatment. So I guess I'm not feeling good, after all…"  
  
"Chandler maybe you ought to take the baby" the doctor suggested.  
  
"Don't worry, it doesn't hurt THAT bad…" Monica said.  
  
"So what do you think, doctor?" Chandler asked. "About Monica's condition? Is she doing any better?"  
  
"No" the doctor said straight out.  
  
Chandler and Monica shared a confused look. Then they looked at the doctor.  
  
"God, there's never any easy ways to say this…"  
  
"To say what?" Chandler said, slightly panicked.  
  
"You're gonna have to amputate the arm, aren't you?" Monica said, her eyes tearing.  
  
"Monica the cancer has spread" the doctor said.  
  
"We know" Chandler said. "You… told us before she had the baby…"  
  
"No, I mean it has spread even further. And in your current condition, after labour and all, there's really nothing we can do…"  
  
"What… are you telling us here?" Monica asked.  
  
"We waited too long…" the doctor said, sounding genuinely sad. "The cancer had gone too far and there's no way your body can fight it in it's current condition…"  
  
"But you…" Chandler said, not able to take in what he was hearing. "You told us her chances were GOOD! You told us you would induce labour before she reached that point!"  
  
"We didn't know that the cancer had spread even further" the doctor said. "And there is nothing we can do now."  
  
"How long have I got?" Monica asked, not really comprehending yet either.  
  
"Hard to say. If we keep you in treatment you'll live longer… But it's only a matter of days or weeks."  
  
"Then give me the treatment" Monica said.  
  
The doctor nodded and looked at them for a few seconds.  
  
"I am really sorry…" he said, knowing it was a lame thing to say. It had been his responsibility to save her life and now he had to tell them he had failed. He turned around and left, knowing that they probably wanted to be alone.  
  
Monica was in shock. She just couldn't believe it. It was impossible. Somehow she had always believed she was invincible. Like everyone else she'd never thought anything like this could happen to her.  
  
Chandler had crossed his arms in front of him on her bed, and how he leaned forward and buried his face. Monica realized that he was crying quietly, but frustratingly. Her own eyes teared when she saw him shiver slightly with his sobs. She hadn't seen him cry for years and to se him do so now was what made her feel the worst. She was in a state of shock and couldn't believe that she was dying. But he apparently could. He'd almost been expecting it earlier on.  
  
"Damn you" she heard him whisper through his sobs. "Damn you, damn you, damn you, damn you…"  
  
She started to cry as well. She had let him down. She had promised him that she wouldn't take the pregnancy so far that her own life was in a great risk. And now she was dying because she had waited for too long. She had let him down and now he had to pay the price. No matter how much she feared death she felt more sorry for him in this moment because she knew he had decades ahead of him with two children and a dead wife. She remembered how she'd felt when she hadn't gotten to see him for three days. She had felt terrible, and yet she'd known she would get to see him eventually. He would have to go on feeling the same way only a thousand times more intense, and with the knowledge that he wouldn't ever get to see her again.  
  
Little Gabriel started crying as well. Monica had for a second forgotten he was even there. She started to cry even more, realizing that she wouldn't ever get to see him grow up and she would never get to know him. And she wouldn't get to be there when Regina got older either. She only had a few weeks. Her son would never remember her, and she wasn't even sure her daughter would.  
  
Chandler finally looked up, pulling himself together but unable to stop crying once he'd started.  
  
"Oh Chandler…" Monica said through her tears, unable to tell him how sorry she was and at the moment unable to take care of the baby and make him stop crying.  
  
Chandler reached in and grabbed his son, lifting him over to his own arms and tried to make him stop cry.  
  
"Easy now, Gabriel…" he said quietly with tears still falling down his cheeks. "Don't you worry… I won't let you down. I won't let you down any more than your mother did."  
  
Monica realized when he said that that now she understood what Chandler had been saying before, that he didn't seem to believe anymore. That she would let her children down by dying on them. Now Chandler seemed to think otherwise, but Monica didn't.  
  
"Don't you worry either, Monica…" Chandler said in a whisper. "I'll love him for the both of us." He looked down at the baby who stopped crying. "I will love you just as much as mommy and I love each other."  
  
  
So please review and let me know what you think... weather it's good comments or bad... and I appologize if this part was a bit mushy...  



	11. Always11

Always, 11  
  
  
INTRODUCTION:Just 2 things I wanna say... :) First, I apologise if there are misspellings at some places, but English is not my mother tongue so that's why there might be errors in spelling. And also, as I've mentioned before, I wrote this series at 17 and I am not a Medical Doctor, so the medical stuff may not always make sense. But please have indulgence with me :)!  
  
  
Monica tried her best not to cry when she saw her daughter. Regina was looking at her with a look on her face that Monica couldn't define. Regina knew that it was over. Chandler had told her that her mother wouldn't survive. Regina didn't understand why, and she didn't really understand what her father meant. She knew that her mother would be gone for a very, very long time, but she couldn't grasp the idea of never getting to see or hear from her mother again.  
  
"You're gonna be gone for a long time…" she said.  
  
"Forever" Monica replied in a whisper.  
  
"Why aren't you coming home?" Regina asked. "Don't you want to come home?"  
  
"More than anything…" Monica said. "But I can't. I'll never get to come back home, sweetie. I'm too sick."  
  
"Will I ever get to see you again?"  
  
"I'm not going away today. But I don't know when I'll die. It could be tomorrow or it could be next month. Nobody seems to know…"  
  
Monica pulled her closer and hugged her tightly. Regina was next to her in the bed, and they were the only ones there. Chandler was in the other room, looking at them through the glass wall but giving them their privacy.  
  
"Why do you have to go away?" Regina whispered.  
  
"Because I'm too sick to be able to get better again. And instead I'm only getting more sick. And in the end I'll die."  
  
"I don't understand that… What happens when you die?"  
  
"Don't you worry about that now…" Monica said. "Because it's not going to happen to you for a very long time. All you need to know right now is that when I die you won't get to see me again. And I won't get to see you."  
  
*  
  
The doctors had said that she might live for a month or two, but when he looked at her, Chandler knew it was only a matter of days. She looked like a shadow of her former self, she was getting sicker by the day and he knew that she wouldn't be able to take more than a few more days in this state.  
  
He sat by her bedside as she slept, wondering what life would be like now. It would soon change in an irreversible way, and although he knew that the best days of his life would be over the minute she died, he also knew that he would have to someday try and live his life with happiness. If not else, for the children. They were his biggest concern for the future. They were both his blessing and his curse. They were his gifts from Monica that would always let him remember her vividly, and that way he was extremely thankful for them. But at the same time they would make it impossible for him to grieve the way he would need to, because he would have to be strong for them. And always put them first.  
  
He was living in a sense of unreality, and he kept hoping that the doctors would come and tell him that it was all just a big mistake. That she would survive, no problem. But deep down inside he knew he was only kidding himself.  
  
Monica woke up and looked at him. Her head was pounding, she didn't even manage to smile at him. She was truly devastated that she would have to die so soon, and she was afraid of what would happen after. And even though she didn't admit it to anyone, least of all her self, she was afraid that Chandler would fall in love again in the future. She wanted him to, partly, because she didn't want him to have to be alone. She didn't want him to be sad throughout the rest of his life. But at the same time she couldn't stand the thought of some other woman with her Chandler, some other woman taking care of her children as if she were their mother. If Chandler remarried, then that woman would become the only real mother Gabriel would know. Monica partly wanted him to have a mother in his life, but at the same time she felt that it was so unfair. She was his real mother, and she had given her life for him, yet he would most likely grow up considering some other woman to be his mother.  
  
Monica knew that she wouldn't have to worry about this happening anytime soon, though. Chandler wouldn't be able to get remarried so soon after her death, it would most likely take him years.  
  
She looked at him and wondered if she would be able to handle the thought of him with another woman as his wife. She had a hard enough time picturing him kissing, touching and sleeping with another woman. But imagining him being in love with some other woman made her heart sink. She didn't want him to, yet she wanted him to get to love again. She felt very torn. And she wondered what would happen after he died, if he'd gotten remarried. If she would get to be together with him or if he would be together with his new wife. And which one of them would be Mommy to her children?  
  
"What are you thinking about?" Chandler asked softly. "You look deep in thought."  
  
"Nothing special" Monica said. Her voice was a lot less than it had been, she didn't really have the strength anymore to talk. Sometimes it just sounded like a whisper, and sometimes she didn't even get a sound out. She had to then hark and try again.  
  
Chandler reached out and started to softly caress her cheek.  
  
"I wish that there was something I could do…" he said. "Because I would do anything. I'd even die myself, so that you could live."  
  
"I wouldn't let you."  
  
"I wouldn't listen to you. I wouldn't let you not let me."  
  
"Chandler I am so sorry, you have to forgive me…" Monica said, getting a few tears in her eyes.  
  
"Forgive you for what?"  
  
"For not listening. For breaking our deal. For dying on you when I promised you that I wouldn't."  
  
Chandler sighed deeply. Then he smiled slightly, but the smile faded in a few seconds.  
  
"Monica you've got nothing to as of my forgiveness for. You saved my son's life. I should THANK you, not FORGIVE you. I've got nothing to forgive you for… But can you forgive me? For being such a pain since we found out you were sick? And for everything else I've done over the years that has hurt your feelings."  
  
"I've got nothing to forgive you for, either" Monica said. "And if there is something, then you're forgiven right this second. For everything you have ever done that you want forgiveness for."  
  
"Thank you" Chandler said, and gave her hand a kiss. "And ditto."  
  
"I never thought it would end up this way…"  
  
"Me neither."  
  
"I love you, Chandler… And I always will."  
  
Chandler took a shivering deep breath. He was quiet for a second, then he met her eyes again.  
  
"At least I know," he said, "that I've loved you every day as much as I could. That I've never forgotten how important you are to me. That since the first time you were sick I have given you everything I've been able to give you. I'm very happy that I won't have to torment myself over the question of weather or not I gave you everything I could."  
  
"And you won't have to wonder weather or not it was enough" Monica said quietly, and gave his cheek a light caress "Thanks to you I've been the happiest woman on earth. And I almost feel like I can die in peace. Because I know that I've loved you as much as I've could, too. That I'VE given YOU all of my love, and everything I've had to give you." She finally smiled, even though it was a small smile. "We've both loved each other as much as we've been able to, and we've really gotten the most out of our marriage."  
  
"And in one way that's what makes it all so horrible…" Chandler said. "How can I go on when that is taken from me? How can I live without you, when I'm used to getting all of that love and affection, how can I function without you by my side? I don't even know how I'll be able to last a week without getting to touch you, feel your scent or to hear your voice."  
  
"Chandler you're gonna be fine…" Monica said softly. "You're strong enough to handle it. I love you, and I know you, and you'll be able to make it even after I'm gone."  
  
"That's really easy for you to say" Chandler said, slightly annoyed. "Because you're the one who's dying. You certainly drew the shortest straw, but on the other hand you won't EVER have to survive alone without your spouse." Then he looked away. "Damn it, I'm sorry…"  
  
"That's okay…" Monica whispered. "Everything is forgiven, remember?" She started to cry. "I know you're going to be worse off. But I also know that Gabriel will know you, and he won't know me. You will get to see our babies grow up, and I won't. And Chandler listen to me, you WILL go on. I know you'll think you won't at first, but I know that you will. In a few years you'll be living life as before again."  
  
Chandler sniffed at that. He pulled her into a hug.  
  
"Nothing's ever gonna be like before to me again. You're always gonna be what I need to be happy."  
  
"That's only what you think now, honey. But in time you'll see things differently. I hope you'll always miss me and always remember me, but I don't want you to be so sad. And I don't want you to spend the rest of your life thinking it's not allowed that you're happy. I want you to try and be as you used to be. Before you and me. I want you to smile and laugh and be happy."  
  
"I'm not the same person I was when we first got together" Chandler said. "I've changed. I've matured. I'm no longer the sarcastic clown I used to be. You've shown me what it's like to be happy, and I've not had the need to throw sarcasms and quips around me left and right. I used to be so bitter, but now I'm not anymore." He sighed. "But I think I might be again. After you… after you die."  
  
Monica sobbed and hugged him closer. She closed her eyes hard and didn't know who she was crying most for, herself, Chandler, Regina or Gabriel.  
  
"Chandler would you do something for me?" she whispered. "Please don't let me die here."  
  
Chandler knew how she'd always felt about hospitals. Of course she wouldn't want to die there. He immediately made up his mind that he would do whatever it took to make sure she could leave the hospital before she died.  
  
"Please take me home…" Monica whispered.  
  
"I promise you that I will" Chandler whispered back. He was quiet for a second, then spoke again. "God must be so happy today. One of his angels is coming back to heaven soon…"  
  
Monica cried harder and once again thought about how she had let him down. She could hear his voice from three years earlier. 'How would you feel on your deathbed knowing that you might have survived if you'd agreed on going through the treatment? How would you feel knowing you'd given up on your life? And how do you think *I* would feel?'  
  
*  
  
Chandler left her alone so she could say goodnight to Regina. Monica leaned over her daughter from her seat in the wheelchair that the doctor had given her. She wasn't able to stand or walk on her own.  
  
"Goodnight, Gina…" she whispered, with a tear falling down her cheek. "Mommy loves you so much. Don't ever forget that."  
  
"I love you too, mommy" Regina said. She knew that something was very wrong, that this might be one of the last times she had together with her mother. She started to cry quietly. Monica gently stroke her cheek.  
  
"Don't cry, sweetie… I'll see you in Nangiala" she said, quoting 'The Lionheart Brothers' by Astrid Lindgren, one of Regina's favorite books.  
  
She sat with her daughter until Regina was asleep, and then she quietly called out for Chandler. He took her back to their own bedroom, carrying her. He didn't want the wheelchair in their room.  
  
Gabriel was asleep in a crib next to the bed, and he woke up just as Chandler and Monica had gotten into bed. Chandler got up again and placed him in Monica's arms. He sat next to her in silence, watching her say goodbye to their son. She didn't know if she would ever get to hold him again.  
  
When the baby was asleep Monica and Chandler lay down again and Chandler turned off the lights. He helped Monica get closer so that she could place her head on his shoulder and her arm across his chest, just like he knew she wanted to lay.  
  
"I love you" he said.  
  
"I love you too" Monica answered. "Thank you for bringing me home."  
  
"Thank you for letting me have you for at least a few years. And thank you for about a thousand other things. I love you more than anything."  
  
"Ditto" Monica whispered.  
  
*  
  
When Chandler woke up the next morning she was dead. He knew it instantly, he didn't even have to look at her. Her body was still warm, but he couldn't tell if she'd died just a short while ago or earlier in the night.  
  
He closed his eyes hard and kissed her gently on the lips. He pulled her limb body into a hug and wished he could fool himself that she was only sleeping. But he knew for sure that she was not.  
  
He got out of bed and went into Regina's bedroom. He woke her up by gently shaking her.  
  
"Gina… Wake up, Regina…" he said. She woke up and looked at him. He lifted her up into his arms. "Mommy's dead, Regina."  
  
She just looked at him, saying nothing. Chandler didn't know what to feel. He couldn't grasp the fact that Monica all of a sudden was beyond reach. He carried Regina into his and Monica's bedroom. He wanted her to get to see her mother for one of the last times, and he wanted her to get to see for herself what death meant. Just telling her that she couldn't ever reach her mother again would only confuse her, he wanted her to get to notice it for herself. And he wanted her to do so while Monica was still warm.  
  
"Mommy" Regina said when Chandler carefully put her down next to Monica.  
  
Regina looked at her mother and started to understand. Her mother looked asleep, but when she tried to shake her she didn't wake up. She wasn't breathing either. Regina tried a little harder to shaker her mother awake, but it didn't take her long to realize what everyone had been saying. Her mother was gone, and she would never get to speak to her again, or feel how much her mother loved her. She started to cry.  
  
At the same time Gabriel, who had been quiet during the night, woke up. Chandler went over to the crib and picked the baby up. Gabriel was hungry, but Chandler didn't have the strength right now to warm formula and feed him. Instead he left the bedroom with the baby in his arms, seeing from the corner of his eye how Regina lay down next to Monica, putting her little arm around her mother.  
  
Chandler went across the hall. It was only five in the morning, but he didn't hesitate for a second to wake Rachel up and ask her to take care of feeding Gabriel.  
  
"Chandler what's wrong?" Rachel asked, very sleepy and rubbing her eyes.  
  
"Monica's dead" Chandler answered, reporting it as if he were a stranger. "And I just can't… handle feeding Gabriel right now. Won't you please?"  
  
Rachel nodded. Of course she would. She took the baby from Chandler and mechanically heated the milk while Chandler went back home to his own apartment. It wasn't until she sat down and started to feed the baby from the bottle, that she realized what Chandler had told her. Monica was dead.  
  
*  
  
Regina had fallen asleep next to her mother. Chandler carefully lifted her up and carried her over to her own bed. He didn't want her to wake up and find her mother's body cold. Enough was enough, and she had had all the encounters with death that he felt she needed. He went back into the bedroom and got into the bed. He lay down next to Monica himself, and put her arm around him as he put one of his around her. He felt strange. He'd imagined that he would feel so devastated in this moment, that he would be sadder than ever before. But all he felt was empty. It didn't occur to him that he was in a state of shock, that his mind hadn't really registered the fact that he wouldn't ever get to be together with Monica again. And as long as he held her dead body close, he could fool himself that he could keep her for a while longer. But he knew that he had already lost her.  
  
*  
  
Monica's funeral was two weeks later. In those two weeks not much had changed around the apartment. Chandler hadn't cleaned and Monica's things were left exactly where she'd left them. The calendar showed the date of Monica's death. Chandler hadn't bothered to rip off another day from it. He probably wouldn't, either. His time had somehow stopped in the minute her life did.  
  
His friends had had to help him plan the funeral. Chandler felt sick to his stomach just thinking about it. With the whole process of catering and invitations it almost seemed like a party, and Chandler wanted nothing to do with it. He would prefer just a simple ceremony in the church and then the funeral service. Having lots of people come over and tell him and Regina how sorry they were for their loss didn't appeal to Chandler. And he knew he would feel like a stranger when people said those words to him. It was only his four best friends that could on some level comfort him with words. Nothing anyone else said had any affect. Regina was mostly quiet, and when she spoke it was rarely about Monica. When it was though, Chandler was moved by her honesty. She said exactly what she was feeling, unlike most of the other people he talked to, since they somehow felt they had to mind their words around him.  
  
Without even knowing it himself Chandler was slowly but steadily closing himself up. He hardly talked to anyone about his feelings and his thoughts. But he didn't see it as strange himself, because the person he'd always talked to about those kind of things was the person that was now dead. Ross was too close to Monica himself, as her brother, so he was too caught up in his own grief to be able to deal with Chandler's as well, and Chandler knew that Joey had once had a major crush on Monica that had never really gone away. Joey was suffering a great loss as well, and Chandler found it awkward to talk to Joey about Monica's death. It was awkward talking to someone who'd also been in love with her. And Chandler had never had the kind of good contact with Phoebe and Rachel that he needed to be able to talk to them. They were his close friends, but they weren't close enough, and that left them in some sort of no-man's-land in Chandler's emotional life. And talking to Monica's parents wasn't even an option for him. And his own parents would only fly in for the funeral, it felt like too little time to talk to them.  
  
Rachel and Phoebe were left in charge of planning the memorial service, without any formal decisions. Chandler only kept half an eye on what they were planning. To him it all felt meaningless. What was even the point of a memorial service? To say goodbye? Chandler had already done that. To hear people say nice things about his wife? Chandler preferred to hear that directly to his face, instead of like a speech in front of a crowd. Chandler only objected at one point in the planning. Rachel wanted to play Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On' and Phoebe wanted to play Puff Daddy and Faith Evan's 'I'll Be Missing You'. Chandler blankly refused. He didn't want the same type of songs that were played at almost every funeral. Monica was special, she was different from the rest, and Chandler didn't want her funeral to become just like everyone else's. He quickly decided that they would play Paul McCartney's 'Yesterday' and No Mercy's 'When I Die'. The last song had been a request from Monica. She had asked him to listen to it whenever he missed her too much, and Chandler decided in the moment she said it that it would be played at the memorial service.  
  
Chandler sat in the front row with Regina in his lap. Gabriel was in Ross's lap, sitting right next to Chandler. They were listening to the first tunes of 'Yesterday', and Chandler had his eyes on the coffin where Monica lay. It was an open casket, but he couldn't see into it from where he was sitting. He knew that he would soon have to hold his little goodbye-speech to her, and he didn't want to. He had so much that he wanted to say to her, but he didn't want to say it in this way. He wanted it to be said as something personal between just the two of them. He wondered if Monica somewhere somehow understood him and knew what he was thinking.  
  
Yesterday  
All my troubles seemed so far away  
Now it looks as though they're here to stay  
Oh I believe in yesterday  
  
Suddenly  
I'm not half the man I used to be  
There's a shadow hanging over me  
Oh yesterday came suddenly  
  
Why she  
Had to go I don't know  
She wouldn't say  
I'd said something wrong  
How I long  
For yesterday  
  
Yesterday  
Love was such an easy game to play  
Now I need a place to hide away  
Oh I believe  
In yesterday  
  
Chandler mechanically handed Regina over to his mother, sitting to his right. He knew that it was his turn to say something nice about Monica, and to thank everyone for being there today, and so on. Suddenly he made up his mind to just say what he was feeling, instead of what he had planned to say at first.  
  
"I guess I should start by thanking everyone for being here…" he began. "I didn't realize we knew so many people. Or that Monica's life made a difference to so many. Especially to me and our children. But if you expect me to hold a tearful speech about how much I love her and how much I'm going to miss her, then I'm sorry. I've never been a person who's easily been able to talk about what's in my heart, especially not in front of a crowd. The only person whom I've ever been able to talk to about anything at all, is the person I'm here to say goodbye to. And what I have to say to her about my missing and my sorrow is something I can't really tell so many people. Those things are just for her to hear, just like I've so often whispered my secrets and my emotions in her ear in the nights. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her. And there's nothing I wouldn't sacrifice for her. I don't want to take away any of the things that were so special between her and me, and that includes her ability to make it easy for me to talk about what emotions I hide inside. And because I don't want to ruin that now, or take that away from her even in her death, I'm not going to spell out my sorrow for all of you." He looked down at her in the coffin. "But I will say that you'll be missed, Monica. You're my soulmate, and you're the mother of my children. They will miss you, but not as much as I will. Nobody can ever take your place, and even though you're now my guardian angel up in the sky, I'd still rather go through eleven years of misery as long as I had you by my side. Because as long as you're with me, I could never be truly miserable. You've always stood in-between me and misery. You've been the wall that sorrow couldn't break through. But now you're gone, and now you're what will forever keep me from being happy. In my life, happiness is synonymous with you, and that will never ever change. Goodbye Monica, I loved you so."  
  
He finally took his eyes off her. She looked as beautiful as always even in death, but he forced himself not to look at her anymore. She was wearing a white dress that Chandler had bought for her on their honeymoon, and her hair was shiny. Chemotherapy hadn't gotten so far as to making her loose her hair. Around her neck she had a silver necklace with a cross, that her mother had given to her for her birthday six years earlier. And on her left ring finger she had her wedding band, while her right ring finger now wore her engagement ring. Chandler had decided to let her wear it in the last minute. He'd originally wanted to be able to give it to Regina sometime in the future when she got married, or to Gabriel when he someday decided to propose to his girlfriend. But then he'd decided to let Monica wear it.  
  
He went back to his seat and his mother handed him Regina back. Chandler hugged her tightly, comforted by the knowledge that it was Monica's daughter that was in his arms. The priest spoke for a few minutes, and then 'When I Die' started to play. Chandler closed his eyes and did as Monica had asked him to. He let himself pretend that it was Monica speaking to him, sending him a message of some kind. And he found himself comforted by that thought.  
  
You give me strength when I start to worry  
You life me up when I'm feeling sorry  
Building me up with love and affection  
When I'm in danger you're my protection  
And I'm the one that you can depend upon  
I'll always treat you right, never do you wrong  
Just be the love burning inside of me  
It's gonna last for eternity  
For eternity  
For eternity  
'Cause baby I love you  
Baby I need you  
Yes I do  
  
And when I die I keep on living  
You'll always have my love seeing you through  
I'll be your angel up in heaven  
Forever all my love will shine on you  
'Cause baby I love you  
Baby I need you  
Yes I do  
  
Now you've got someone you can believe in  
No one can take away what we're feeling  
Our love is strong, it goes on forever  
No one will ever love you better  
And when I'm gone I'll still be true to you  
The seed of love lives inside of you  
I'll be your angel up in heaven  
And all my love will shine down on you  
For eternity  
For eternity  
'Cause baby I love you  
Baby I need you  
Yes I do  
  
And when I die I keep on living  
You'll always have my love seeing you through  
I'll be your angel up in heaven  
Forever all my love will shine on you  
Baby I love you  
Yes I do  
  
And when I die I keep on living  
You'll always have my love seeing you through  
I'll be your angel up in heaven  
Forever all my love will shine on you  
Baby I love you  
Baby I need you  
Yes I do  
  
*  
  
Chandler soon realized that how he'd thought life would be like once Monica was gone was an easy life compared to how it turned out. He had never felt such a pain before in all his life. Every night he went to bed and faced the emptiness of a bed for two with only one person sleeping in it. Everything was directly linked to Monica, the sheets smelled like her, her favorite pillow had straws of her black hair on it, each item of clothing in the wardrobe that was hers held several memories of Monica wearing them at different occasions. The couch in the living room was the same one that Monica had had before she and Chandler got together, and it was so filled with memories that Chandler couldn't even sit on it. Every second that he was awake he fought with an incredible pain that almost drove him insane. And as soon as he went to sleep he would dream about her. If the dreams were good it would only make him miss her so much more when he woke up, and if the dreams were bad they would fill him with more sadness and with guilt. And the worst part was that he wasn't allowed to grief.  
  
Regina needed attention, she needed his help to get through it all. Chandler knew that small children can grief just like adults, and that the worst thing he could possibly do was to pretend that Regina didn't know what was happening really and that she didn't understand death well enough to mourn her mother. He knew that Monica's death had taken away the person in Regina's life that always had time for her and always gave her love and affection. Chandler tried his best to do that for her as well, but nothing could compensate the loss of her mother's love.  
  
And then there was Gabriel. He was definitely too little to miss Monica, but Chandler had a feeling that he missed her in the sense that he missed a mother. No matter how hard he tried with Gabriel it would be the same thing as it was with Regina, that his affections as a father couldn't compensate those of a mother, since Chandler had to fill the role of two parents. And even if Gabriel's mourning was the loss of the person who'd given him life and who had a connection to him like no one else ever could, he was still way too small to know how big his loss had really been. And he would never know either, because he would never get to know what his mother was like, and he would never remember her smile or her voice.  
  
Gabriel was the one of the children that took most of Chandler's time. He'd never taken care of an infant on his own before, and now he had a four year-old to look after as well. He knew his friends were there to help him out, but the children needed a parent, not just a care taker.  
  
*  
  
"Chandler get a grip!" Ross whined, four weeks after Monica's death. "You're moping around too much! Just take a look at the apartment, it's dusty and dirty, Monica would go crazy if she knew!"  
  
Chandler didn't reply. Ross wasn't exactly doing much else than moping around either. He shouldn't be complaining.  
  
"At least sort through my sister's stuff, okay? Throw stuff away, put stuff in boxes, but just get on with it! You've got to do that part, nobody else but you should be going through her stuff."  
  
"I'm not even so sure I should" Chandler replied. Yet that night he found himself sitting by the small writing desk in the bedroom, looking through the two top drawers. Those two were Monica's, the bottom two were his.  
  
It had been a silent agreement between Monica and him to never look through the other one's drawers. Monica kept her diary in one of the drawers, Chandler knew that much. And he also knew that she kept a few poems she had written and some short stories and things like that.  
  
"Ross is out of his mind…" Chandler muttered. "Throw stuff away? No way! I'm not throwing any of your stuff away, Mon!" Without noticing it he started talking to her, as if he expected her to answer. "I hope you don't mind that I'm looking through your drawers, though. I don't mean to snoop, and I promise you that I won't open your diary or read through any of your things. Just throw away some old pads and gather all the pens and rulers and stuff…"  
  
He finished with the lower drawer and closed it. He placed the two pencils he'd found on the desk and then threw away a box of crayons that he'd found. He wondered what she had used them for, but he didn't bother to try and find any pictures she might have painted or anything. What was hers then was still hers now, and it was still as private.  
  
He glanced at the calendar and thought about ripping off enough days to reach the exact date, but then he let it be. He calendar still stood on the day before valentine's day. The day of Monica's death, exactly two weeks after the birth of Gabriel.  
  
He opened up the top drawer and picked up the first bunch of papers. Something was written on the top paper, and his eyes fell on the letters.  
  
'I will always be with you'  
  
Chandler remembered. Of course he remembered. And he realized she'd written him this note and sent it with Rachel or Ross or someone else, so that he could find it. He broke down and cried, for the first time since he'd found out she was dying.  
  
  
DISCLAIMER: The characters from "Friends" aren't mine now anymore than they were when I wrote the other parts... :) And the lyrics for "Yesterday" belong to Paul McCartney. The lyrics for "When I Die" belong to Farina, Bischof, Warren and Kawohl... whoever they are, lol...  
Please review. And please read part 12 as well... Don't give up now!!! ;)!  



	12. Always12

Always, 12  
  
  
INTRODUCTION: This takes place a few years after Monica's death. Six years after her death, to be exact.  
DISCLAIMER: The "Friends" characters still don't belong to me. Weird, huh? Lol...  
  
  
Regina sighed and sat down on the couch. Her long dark hair that looked so much like her mother's was braided and it reached her waist. She was ten years old. Her mother had been dead for six years now, and she hadn't seen a smile in her father's face since the day before her mother died. And during all those six years, Regina had hated her younger brother.  
  
Gabriel was six years-old, and he was even more a mixture of his parents than Regina was. And Regina hated that. She knew that she looked a lot like her mother when she was serious, and a lot like her father when she was happy, but in general she didn't look too much like either one of them. Her hair was just like her mother's, but that was the only feature that she could say exactly which parent she had gotten it from. Other than that it was as if she had to either smile or frown to look like one of them.  
  
Gabriel on the other hand, was like the result if someone would sit down by a computer and make a new person out of Monica and Chandler's features. Every single part of him was clearly either the genes from one parent or the other. His eye color was Monica's, but the eyes themselves seemed to be Chandler's. He had Chandler's nose and head shape, while he had Monica's mouth and way of smiling. His hair was Monica's and he had a few freckles, just like Monica had had when she was little. Regina couldn't find a single part of him that she didn't know which parent it came from. And that made Regina feel as if she wasn't as much a part of her parents as Gabriel was.  
  
She couldn't remember ever liking her brother. She knew that she probably had for the fourteen days after his birth that her mother was alive, but then she'd started hating him. She held him responsible for Monica's death, and no one could convince her that he wasn't. Because no matter what anyone said, there was one thing they could not deny. That if Gabriel hadn't been, Monica would have gotten her treatment right away and most likely survived. And then weather or not it had been her mother's choice to take it to the end of the line was irrelevant, because had she not been pregnant she'd gotten treatment right away.  
  
What made Regina dislike her brother even more, and eventually grow to hate him, was the fact that he had taken her mother away, and now he was taking her father's attention away. Chandler was the only one she had, and she did not want to share him with her brother. And she felt betrayed each time her dad took Gabriel's side when they quarreled, because in Regina's mind her father should hate him more than anyone else. She knew that her father was unhappy, that he didn't know how to live his life with joy when her mother was dead. And if Gabriel had not been, her father wouldn't have to go through all of this in the first place. But she'd never said anything about how she felt about this to anyone. She'd let it show a few times, but she'd never directly spoken about how she felt.  
  
She heard the door to Gabriel's room open, and she sighed deeply. What did he want now? She hated having to baby-sit him.  
  
Chandler had wanted to stay in the same apartment where he had been so happy with Monica. But he had soon realized that with two children it would be a problem. Especially since he knew that Regina wasn't too fond of her brother. Chandler had no idea how deep his daughter's resentment towards his son was. All he knew was that they didn't get along as well as he would like them to, and he knew that he would be stupid if he forced them to share a room. They had ended up putting up a pair of new walls in the living room in the corner by Regina's room, so that Gabriel would have his own room, even though it was small. Chandler knew though that they couldn't live in that apartment forever. Once Gabriel got a little older he would need more room, and they would have to move.  
  
Regina watched her brother look at her from the doorway to his room. Gabriel felt unsure around her. He loved his sister, but she sometimes scared him. He could feel that she was mad at him over something, and she always got mad when he mentioned their mother. Gabriel had never known their mother, and he knew Regina had, but he felt that she was just as much his mother as Regina's anyway.  
  
"What do you want, Gabriel?" Regina asked coldly.  
  
"Watch TV."  
  
"Kids shouldn't watch TV" Regina said, not wanting to let him watch TV. Se didn't even reflect upon the fact that she was being mean to him.  
  
"Daddy lets me watch."  
  
"Well daddy ain't here."  
  
"I WANT to watch TV!"  
  
Regina rose, annoyed, and placed her hands on her hips.  
  
"Gabriel, I said no!"  
  
"You're not my mommy!" Gabriel pointed out. "You don't decide. It's not fare, Gina!"  
  
"Don't call me that! I'm not Gina to you! And what the hell do you know about mom? She wouldn't have let you watch TV either!" Regina said, even though she knew it wasn't really true.  
  
"Yes she would have!" Gabriel said. "She would have!"  
  
"Oh give me a break..." Regina said. "You don't know squad about my mother."  
  
"She was my mother too, you know!" Gabriel pointed out.  
  
"Yes but you killed her!"  
  
Gabriel stared at her. He'd never gotten that accusation before.  
  
"I did NOT kill mommy!"  
  
"Oh yes you did. Just ask dad! Or Ross! Or Phoebe! Or ask anyone else! If it hadn't been for you, mom would still be alive."  
  
"LIAR!" Gabriel shouted, and started to cry.  
  
"You killed my mother, Gabriel."  
  
"NO!"  
  
Out in the hallway Chandler and Phoebe were returning from Central Perk, and they heard Gabriel shout from inside the apartment. Chandler sighed heavily.  
  
"Oh what now?" he muttered.  
  
"How does it feel to have killed your own mother?" Regina hissed at Gabriel inside the apartment. "Mommy was wonderful, and you took her away! It was all your fault! If it hadn't been for you I would have my mommy here, right now! And it's YOUR fault that daddy is so sad! He'd trade you for mommy any minute!"  
  
"REGINA!" Chandler bawled.  
  
Regina looked up and saw her father and Phoebe stand by the door. Her father was furious, she hadn't ever seen him that mad before. And Phoebe looked shocked. Then Phoebe got an angry look on her face and she walked over and grabbed a hold of Regina's wrist. She yanked her with her into Regina's room and slammed the door shut. For Regina's sake it was better to keep her away from Chandler while he was this mad. She knew Chandler wouldn't ever hurt his daughter physically, but when he was this mad he might yell at her and say things he didn't really mean. Phoebe pushed Regina onto her bed.  
  
"What the hell is the matter with you?" she asked. She too was furious, but she knew Chandler was more mad. Phoebe felt it was better that she took care of this. And she wanted some answers from Regina. She'd noticed her behavior these past years and seen how it had gotten worse and worse.  
  
"The matter with ME?" Regina asked. Tears were burning behind her eyelids when she blinked.  
  
"How can you be so incredibly mean to your brother? What has he ever done wrong?"  
  
"He killed mommy, unless you didn't know!" Regina replied angrily.  
  
"Oh really, well forgive me then, I must have forgotten when he stood above her with a gun in his hand!" Phoebe sarcastically said.  
  
"If he hadn't been, mommy would be here right now. You can't deny that!" Regina said.  
  
"First of all Regina, that is NOT true. Your mother could have died anyway, no one can say for sure! And second of all, it was your MOTHER'S choice to wait for so long! Gabriel couldn't have done ANYTHING to change her mind! Not ANYTHING! It was your mother's decision from start to finish and don't you DARE blame that little boy for that."  
  
"It IS his fault" Regina said angrily. "I know it is! And I hate him! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! I HATE Gabriel! If it hadn't been for him I would have my mother alive! And daddy would be happy! Daddy's so damn miserable, and it's all because of that stupid kid!"  
  
"That is NOT true" Phoebe said. "And you watch your mouth young lady! And what on earth do you think your mother would say if she knew that you treated your little brother this way?"  
  
"I don't care what she would think" Regina replied. "I hate her too!"  
  
Phoebe stared at her, not believing what she was hearing. Then she leaned in and gave Regina a thick ear.  
  
"Don't you EVER say ANYTHING like that about your mother, do you understand me?"  
  
Regina stared at her with tears in her eyes, rubbing her aching ear. No one had ever hit her before, and she didn't care what Phoebe's reason was.  
  
"Your mother was my best friend, your father's soulmate, your own damn MOTHER! And damn you Regina Bing if you say anything bad at all about that woman!"  
  
"Well I hate her anyway!" Regina cried, tears falling down her cheeks. "I hate her! She loved Gabriel more than me!"  
  
"What? That's crazy."  
  
"Well she DID! She did! She didn't think for a second about me when she was sick. All she thought about was Gabriel. She didn't care that I loved her and that I needed her, and that she had responsibilities towards me too! All she thought about was Gabriel. And she chose to die for him instead of live for me! She chose him over me even though she had to DIE for it!"  
  
"Monica made that choice because she already knew you were safe! She wanted Gabriel to be safe too! She didn't want one of her children to die, Regina! And frankly, I don't blame her if she thought more about Gabriel than about you. Gabriel was 100% depending on her, he needed her to survive. You were doing just fine on your own. The choices she made would mean life or death to Gabriel, while it wouldn't mean that to you! You would live no matter what."  
  
"She didn't love me enough to think about how I would feel if she died! And she was mean to daddy! He loved her, he still does, and he NEEDS her! But she didn't care, all she thought about was how she could make herself a heroine!"  
  
"That's not what it was all about!" Phoebe objected. "She wanted her unborn child to get a chance to live. Is that so terrible? That doesn't mean in any way that she loved you less, or that she was trying to be mean to Chandler. And I'm warning you Regina, don't say a single bad word about your mother so that your father can hear it. You have been horrible enough towards your dad."  
  
Regina's eyes grew wide. Phoebe's last words had hurt far more than the thick ear. She loved her father more than anything else, and she couldn't take hearing any bad words about him. And now Phoebe accused her of being mean to him.  
  
"I've never been mean to daddy!" she objected, crying harder. "I love daddy! I wouldn't ever be mean to him!"  
  
"Oh yeah right" Phoebe said, with lots of sarcasm. "Regina how blind are you? You are ten years old, you should be able to see what you're doing! Ever since your mother died Chandler has NEEDED you! He's needed you to help him out with things, and most importantly to help him out with Gabriel. And what have you done? You've decided that you should hate your brother, and you've been causing your father worries after worries after worries. You've made his burden ten times worse than it has to be, by giving him more to worry about. He hasn't had the time to work with his grief and try to get over your mother's death because he's had so much to do. Raising two children isn't easy. And when the older child clearly detests the younger child he has to worry about that, and feel bad about the fact that you hate your brother. Every time the two of you fight he gets this resigned look on his face, as if he thinks that it's no use anyway, nothing is ever going to be easy for him again."  
  
"You're just giving me a guilt trip!" Regina said through her tears. "I love my father very much and I would do ANYTHING to help him out!"  
  
"Then stop hating your brother for something he had no control over."  
  
"Gabriel killed my mother. Whatever you say or do, I will always believe it. And mommy loved him more than she loved me. The only one who's ever loved ME for real is dad, and Gabriel always tries to get dad to take his side against me!"  
  
*  
  
When Phoebe dragged Regina to her room, Chandler had hurried over and lifted up Gabriel, who was crying hysterically. He sat down with his son in his arms on the couch, and slowly rocked back and forth, trying to soothe him.  
  
"Easy, Gabriel..." he whispered. "It's okay... She doesn't mean what she says, Gabriel. I don't hate you. And I would not trade you for mommy."  
  
Gabriel continued to cry, but he calmed down a little. Chandler felt ready to cry too. He finally started to realize exactly how much Regina seemed to hate her brother, and also why. And he knew that it was a big problem, because there was nothing he could say that could make her change her mind.  
  
"Daddy?" Gabriel asked after a few minutes, finally ceasing to cry.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"Why does Regina hate me so much?"  
  
"She doesn't hate you."  
  
"Yes she does, daddy. She's said so many times. She says I killed mommy."  
  
"You did no such thing."  
  
"But Regina says I did."  
  
"Gabriel, listen to me..." Chandler said, and dried the tears on his son's cheeks. "It was cancer that killed Monica. Not you. But she died just after you were born, and Regina was younger than you are now, so she remembers it as almost one incident... But nobody thinks that your responsible for mommy dying."  
  
"She thinks I am" Gabriel pointed out.  
  
"Regina's wrong if she thinks that" Chandler said.  
  
"Daddy? Do you ever wish mommy was alive instead of me?"  
  
"No" Chandler truthfully answered. "I wish she was alive, but not instead of you. Ever since the day you were born I have loved you just as much as I love Regina, and I could never trade one of you for Monica."  
  
"Regina says she's not my real mother. That I can't call her that, because I've never even talked to her."  
  
"But your mother has talked to you" Chandler calmly pointed out. "Mommy loved you so very much. And you SHOULD call her your real mommy, because that is just what she is. And then it doesn't matter how long she was alive after you were born. You are her son, and that makes her your real mother."  
  
"Does Regina hate me because mommy died?" Gabriel asked.  
  
"Hate is a strong word. But that's most likely why she acts the way she does sometimes. And it breaks my heart each time she acts that way. And I know that it breaks your mother's heart wherever she is. Your mother died FOR you, not BECAUSE of you. She chose to rather die herself than for you to die. And I know that she would make the same choice again if she got the ability to come back to earth, if the cost was your life. She'd rather be dead than have you die. She loves you. And she loves Regina. And I love you both too. You two are my only sources of happiness. And I'm very happy that I have the both of you."  
  
*  
  
That evening Regina was alone in her room. Phoebe had left quite soon, but Regina hadn't dared to leave her room. She knew that her father was furious with her, and she didn't want to risk running into him before he had calmed down.  
  
By eight o'clock she decided to go out into the living room. Her father was alone on the couch, staring into the wall with a glass of some liquor in his hand. He didn't acknowledge her presence. She felt her heart sink to floor-level and silently walked across the room towards the bathroom.  
  
"Regina." she heard him say firmly. She swallowed hard.  
  
"Yes, dad?"  
  
"Come here."  
  
She mostly just felt like running back into her room again, but she didn't want to make him even more angry. She walked past him and saw that he hadn't changed his facial expression. She sat down on the other end of the couch.  
  
"Come closer" he said, without looking at her.  
  
She slowly moved closer to him. This was a side of him that she had never seen. She had only seen the gentle, caring side of him but now she saw a firm and hard side. He put the glass down but continued to look straight forward.  
  
"What in god's name were you thinking earlier today?" he asked. He paused for a second, but when she didn't answer he continued. "I have never seen anyone be so mean to their brother before. How can you say things like that to him? He's only a small child, Regina." Chandler finally turned and looked at her, Monica's daughter who today had been so unlike her mother.  
  
"It's his fault that mommy died" Regina said, and started to cry quietly.  
  
"No, it's not" Chandler firmly said. "You know as well as I do that she had cancer. CANCER, Regina."  
  
"But if it hadn't been for Gabriel, she would have gotten her treatment right away. They could have saved her life!"  
  
"COULD" Chandler emphasized. "Could have, would have, should have... You can't think along those lines. And why be mad at poor Gabriel? You have no idea how dam stubborn your mother was. Nothing or no one could have convinced her to give birth any sooner than she did. And that was HER choice Regina. NOT Gabriel's. Damn it, he wasn't even BORN yet. He had no say in anything, he had no idea what was going on, it was all your mother's choice. And she made that choice right away."  
  
"But if she hadn't been pregnant she wouldn't have let things go so far."  
  
Chandler picked up his glass and took a sip, and he didn't look at her when he put the glass down.  
  
"Well if that's the case then it's all MY fault."  
  
"What? No, dad! It's not your fault, not at all! You did everything you could!"  
  
"I was the one who got her pregnant. I was the one who had sex with her without using any method of birth control. If I had done that, she wouldn't have become pregnant. And then she would have gotten treatment right away."  
  
There was no self blame in his voice, just a stating tone. Regina knew what he was trying to tell her, but she didn't agree with him. She started to cry for real.  
  
"Daddy, why did she love him more than me?" she asked through her tears.  
  
Chandler gave her a confused look.  
  
"You lost me back there..." he said.  
  
"How come she loved Gabriel more than me? Why was he so much more important than me? She would rather be his mother for two weeks and then die, than to be just MY mother for the rest of her life."  
  
"Honey..." Chandler said softly, and stroke her on the head. "Monica DID love you. Do you know what she told me was her only wish? She told me this before she died, that her only wish was to get to see you grow up. And she knew she wouldn't get that, and that broke her heart. She wanted so bad to get to be there when you grow up. But while she was still pregnant she thought it was more important to make sure that her unborn baby would survive. She was Gabriel's mother too, and she wouldn't have been able to live with herself if she had risked his life. But don't hate Gabriel for that, and most important, don't hate HER for that."  
  
"But it's just so hard..." Regina said through her sobs.  
  
"Well what about me?" Chandler gently asked. "Don't you think this is hard for me too? Regina I can hardly handle a week without her, but I'm going to HAVE to handle my whole LIFE without her." He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. Then he looked back down at Regina again. "Don't force me to choose between you and Gabriel. Don't do that. I love you two both."  
  
"But if it hadn't been for him, you would still have mommy right by your side" Regina whispered through her sobs.  
  
"Yes, but Regina he is my SON. He is the gift your mother wanted to give me so badly that she'd die for it. And she would have made the exact same choice if this had happened when she was pregnant with YOU. I LOVE Gabriel, he is my little boy. Mine and Monica's little boy, just like you are our little girl. Nothing in the whole wide world can ever change that. You are both my children just as much, and it is just as natural for me to love him as it is for me to love you. It doesn't matter if it actually WAS his fault that my wife died. I love him just as much anyway, because he is my son. And I love you just as much as I love him, because you are my daughter. I can't avoid loving him any more than you can avoid loving me."  
  
He pulled Regina into a hug and let her cry out in his arms. He hoped she would come to her senses about Gabriel. He wished she could love him the way Gabriel loved her.  
  
"He loves you, you know" he told her. "Your little brother loves you very much, and you have been nothing but mean to him. It breaks my heart, Gina!"  
  
She cried a bit harder and he slowly rocked her back and forth, hoping she would see things clearer now.  
  
Regina had hated Gabriel almost his entire life, and she couldn't change that just like that. Her conviction that he was responsible for Monica's death was way too deeply rooted inside of her. But she at least decided to not let it show. Gabriel could always tell though that she didn't like him much.  
  
*  
  
Once the situation between his two children was somewhat solved, Chandler could finally start dealing with his sorrow. He missed Monica so much. The pain wasn't as sharp and tearing as it had been the first year, but at times it came back in full force and made him unable to do anything else than lock himself in the bedroom and fight the pain. And the constant ache, the constant emptiness made him feel hollow.  
  
As a way of repressing the pain when it got too strong, Chandler pretended she was there with him. He could start talking to her as if he expected her to answer, and sometimes he would even turn his head to look at her when she replied. When he did he tricked himself into believing that he could see her next to him. But then he soon came to his senses and realized that he was fooling himself, and he felt even worse.  
  
Each night after he'd gone to bed he would talk to her. Just tell her about his day and how the kids were doing. It was his safety net to keep him from loosing it completely each time he had to go to bed alone. Very once in a while he would chat with her for a few minutes, then automatically roll over to her side of the bed to hold her. And each time he did he would quickly come to his senses and realize what he was doing. He was starting to believe that he had lost his mind completely. He was having conversations with his dead wife, after all! And sometimes even forgetting for a second that she wasn't there anymore.  
  
The times when he rolled over and found her bedside empty was the only time he ever cried. He still had a hard time crying. His grief was just too big to be let out in tears, so instead he kept it all inside. But when he got such a quick realization that she was gone, and would never come again, he couldn't stop himself from crying. He would cry and stroke the empty pillow that had been Monica's favorite. The place where it seemed as she had been forever, each night since the first day he started going out with her, always, always, but not anymore. Always, always before, but not now.  
  
He missed her smile so much that it was nearly killing him. He knew that there was a certain smile that only he got to see. A smile that she reserved for him, and only him. And getting to see that smile was one of his highest wishes. And to hear her laughter. She had several different laughters, and just as with her smiles she had one that she only let him hear. And he missed that laughter. And he missed the look in her eyes that was also reserved for only him. That look would often appear on her face when they made love. It was a look so filled with love and affection that it had driven him to tears when they made love the night they got engaged, and on their wedding night. He missed the way she would talk to him and the way she would joke with him. He missed her head on his shoulder when he went to sleep, and her arm across his chest. He missed hearing her content purring sounds before she fell asleep, and he missed the way she smelled. But what he missed most of all was her love. Her love had been what kept him going, what had always made him smile. He needed to feel that she loved him, and he needed to hear her say it.  
  
*  
  
Eight years after Monica's death Chandler was finally starting to get a hold of himself. It had taken him an incredibly long time to get to this state, partly because he hadn't allowed himself to work with the grief. He had pretty much started that process two years earlier.  
  
Regina was now twelve, and Gabriel was eight. Regina didn't like her brother much now either, but she didn't show it as clearly as before. She simply let it be.  
  
Chandler sat down one day when he was alone, and decided to sort out some old video tapes. He had a few home videos that he sometimes watched, just to get to see Monica and to get to hear her voice. But he wasn't in the mood for watching any of those right now. He just wanted to get some order to the tapes.  
  
He came across one tape he didn't recognize and decided to pop it in the video. He and Monica had moved in a TV and a video to their bedroom right after they got married, and Chandler sat down on the bed and started the tape once it was rewinded. He immediately realized what it was. It was the tape on which him and Monica had filmed themselves having sex a few times.  
  
They had attempted to film themselves once, while they were still sneaking around, but their plan got thwarted. And it wasn't until after they were married that Monica had remembered the idea, and suggested to Chandler that they would give it another try, this time in their bedroom where no one could catch them. They had done it a few times, and then the tape had been forgotten after her death.  
  
Chandler stared at the TV screen, then he moaned in pain, closed his eyes hard and folded where he sat on the bed. He didn't want to see this, and yet he wanted to.  
  
Ever since Monica had died, Chandler had had no sexdrive. He hadn't had any form of sexual activity for eight years, and the thought of having one had never even entered his mind. Sex was something he wanted to share with Monica, and not with anyone else.  
  
He opened his eyes and looked at the video. He could see himself and Monica undressing while locked in deep kisses. He soon hear Monica moan, and then he heard a moan from himself. And suddenly the thought hit him, one he had had many times before, but this time in another way.  
  
"Oh god..." he whispered. "Oh god... I'll never get to hug you again Monica. Never get to hold you. I'll never get to kiss you, feel your tongue in my mouth or my own tongue in your mouth. I'll never get to touch you again, never get to make you feel that way again. And I will never again get to experience you making ME feel that good. Never again really does mean never again."  
  
He sat back up again and reached back, grabbing a pillow. He held the pillow tight and slowly rocked back and fourth as he watched himself and Monica make love so many years ago. Sex had been such an important part of his life, such an inexhaustible source of joy for him. While Monica had been alive, and healthy, he hadn't been able to picture not having sex on a regular basis. Now that had died for him too. Died along with Monica. He realized that he couldn't even remember what it felt like to be with her that way, or to just be with any woman that way. He watched himself on the video and tried to remember.  
  
He watched himself mount her, and he heard how they both cried out in pleasure, how they both moaned and whimpered. And then he started to cry, because he could see that look on Monica's face. The look, the smile and even part of the laugh she had that was his and only his. That nobody else got to hear or see. He saw that in her face when she looked into the eyes of Chandler on the tape. He heard her say that she loved him, with all the emotion in her voice that he really needed to get right now.  
  
Chandler grabbed the remote and rewinded the tape a few seconds, while raising the volume. And then he listened to her telling him that she loved him again. He smiled through the tears that were still falling. It felt so good to get to hear her say that again, even though it was from a video tape, and she was saying it to him while he was making love to her.  
  
*  
  
Six months later Chandler ran into Kathy. He had almost forgotten that she even existed, and her reentrance into his life brought back even more memories. Memories of how Monica had both supported him and told him off throughout his stormy love affair with Kathy.  
  
He didn't say a word to Kathy about being a widower, or being a father. He didn't feel like it was any of her business. He told her as little as possible when she invited him to lunch.  
  
"Chandler, I..." she began once their lunch had arrived. "You know, this feels so hard to say after all these years. But you know, I have always regretted that I cheated on you. I have always wondered what would have been if I hadn't."  
  
"We would have broken up sooner or later anyway" Chandler said. "We weren't meant for each other."'  
  
"Do you ever miss me?" Kathy asked.  
  
Chandler didn't want to tell her the truth, that he hadn't even thought about her for fifteen years. So he decided to tell her a nicer version of events.  
  
"I had a really hard time when we broke up" he said.  
  
"So did I" she said. "And I constantly wanted to call you, but I figured you wouldn't be willing to talk to me."  
  
"Maybe I wouldn't have been..." Chandler said. "I don't know anymore. It's been so long, Kathy. This was in the nineties, now we're in the second decade of the 21st century."  
  
"Yeah. I know."  
  
Conversation went slow throughout the lunch. Chandler thought it was very awkward. And he realized more and more that Monica had been all that Kathy wasn't. Kathy couldn't hold a candle to Monica's good heart and wonderful personality. He wondered if Kathy had ever really cared.  
  
Kathy paid for lunch and they rose and left the restaurant.  
  
"Why did you take me out to lunch, Kathy?" Chandler asked.  
  
"Because it felt good to see you again. I've missed you over the years."  
  
Chandler held back a scoff. She had no idea what missing was. She hadn't ever missed anything or anyone like Chandler missed Monica.  
  
"Chandler..." she gently said, and stopped him by placing her hand on his arm.  
  
"Yeah?" he asked.  
  
She looked into his eyes, then leaned in and kissed him. Chandler let her. He hadn't kissed anyone in so many years and he had forgotten how great it felt. He let her put her arms around him and pull him closer, and he let her stick her tongue in his mouth.  
  
They ended up in Kathy's apartment, sleeping together. Chandler quickly realized that it was another area where she couldn't hold a candle in comparison to Monica, but he also realized that he needed this. He needed to get a physical discharge and it didn't really matter with whom he got it. He partly felt bad about sleeping with her when there was no emotion involved, but she didn't seem to mind. Even though it had been so long, he still remembered what to do with a woman, and he did it pretty much on autopilot. Kathy didn't seem to notice, she seemed very content.  
  
*  
  
When Chandler got home that evening he felt terrible. Regina, who was something of an expert at judging his facial expressions, just like Monica had been, quickly noticed that he had done something that he felt guilty about. Gabriel just noticed that he was acting weird. But Chandler said nothing about what had happened earlier in the day.  
  
As soon as the kids were in bed Chandler went back into his own bedroom and got into bed. He cursed himself and felt like a jerk. He hadn't realized until now, but having Monica as the last person he'd slept with had somehow felt special. Now that was all gone. And instead, the last person he'd slept with was his ex-girlfriend Kathy. One that Monica had never really liked.  
  
"Oh crap..." he mumbled. "Monica forgive me, PLEASE! You have to forgive me! How could I do this? How could I go out and sleep with her? And KATHY of all people? I've ruined it Monica, I've ruined one of the special aspects between us! It was cheating. It was. Because you're not dead. Not really. You're DEAD, but if death really was death then there'd be no point in life. So somewhere out there you are alive. It's just another form of being alive. And I've cheated on you. And on your memory."  
  
It didn't occur to him that it didn't matter anyhow. That Monica had known before she died that he would some day find someone else, maybe not to love but to at least be physically intimate with.  
  
"Forgive me, Monica... I love you so!" he whispered.  
  
He closed his eyes and let those words be the last of his conversation with her that night. He never spoke to her again at night.  
  
  
Review please. Only one more part to go... plus an epilogue, but I might not post that one here... 


	13. Always13

Always, 13  
  
  
INTRODUCTION: Word of warning: Odd war story features in the beginning. Don't kill me 'cause it sucks!  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from "Friends" and I don't own the lyrics for "Cherish".  
  
  
Regina sighed and looked up from the journal she was writing. She was 28 years old, and a medical doctor. She had decided to become a doctor and to try and cure cancer when she was younger, to prevent other children from having the same kind of childhood she had had. But the hours were long and the work was massive. She hardly had the time to visit her father these days. She never went to see her brother unless her father forced her to come with him.  
  
She rose and put the journal away. She couldn't concentrate on it right now anyway, and she had a patient that she needed to take a look on. She yawned and stretched out her arms. She hadn't slept in over twenty hours, and she had another six hours before she could go home and sleep. She had never expected that much work as a specialist on cancer.  
  
She picked up her glasses from the writing desk and put them on. She needed glasses when she read, and she hoped that they would help her stay focused for a while when she visited the patient.  
  
*  
  
Regina hadn't spent her first years as a doctor working with cancer patients. In the year 2024 World War Three had broken out, and she had ended up going to Israel to work as a field doctor. She had only been twenty years old, and she hadn't been finished with her studies. She'd ended up having to study and work at the same time, but she had learned a whole lot. And she had met Jasper, a soldier from Maine who had been injured. They had fallen in love and ended up staying together once they got back to America when the war was over. Jasper had moved to New York to be closer to her, and by now they were living together.  
  
Regina wasn't the only family member who had gone to war. Gabriel had been called in after two years, while he was only eighteen. Regina hadn't cared much. She still thought of him as the person responsible for her mother's death, and not as a brother. She knew that he had been stationed somewhere in Asia, in Vietnam or Burma.  
  
The war had started when Saddam Hussein had died and his sons had started a war to take over the world. They had fought with the countries close by at first, but then surprised the whole world by attacking first Burma, then Indonesia and then Vietnam. Korea followed shortly after. USA quickly got involved, backed up by the EU. Germany had been eager to fight for the sake of freedom in the Asian countries that had been taken over, wanting to show the world that they were no longer the country that started the war, but the country that fought for freedom. But then France had become skeptic, remembering the past two wars, and without anyone really knowing how, France and Germany had broken their alliance that came with the EU and they were in war. EU had fallen, and become divided into three sides. The countries who fought for France, like Britain, and the countries who stood by Germany, like Denmark. And the countries that were neutral, with Switzerland and Sweden as the leading nations for that position. Those two countries had been neutral throughout both the past world wars.  
  
With the fall of the EU came more problems within Europe. The Euro was all of a sudden a currency that the German side wanted as theirs, and the French side as theirs. The whole situation ended up with two new currencies, the French Euro and the German Euro. Sweden went back to kronor, and other neutral countries, like Greece, followed that example and went back to the currencies they'd had during the 20th century. Europe became full of it's own problems, and the countries didn't have the manpower to fight in two parts of the world at the same time. Especially not since they would be on the same team in Asia but fighting each other in Europe. In the US, the question arose of which side to stand on. The republicans said the French, the democrats said the German. USA came close to a second civil war, but the new president managed to thwart it. USA officially declared that as long as there was a war in Asia, they would fight there and let the European countries handle their own business. And once the Asian countries were free again, the US could start thinking about which side to stand on in the European battle. The trouble increased when China got involved, starting to fight America. They soon withdrew, and nobody really understood why they even got involved in the first place.  
  
The war had gone on until 2030, four years after it had started. By 2028 Hussein's sons had all been killed, and the Asian countries got their freedom back. But in Europe it took two more years to get peace, and USA decided not to take any sides, but to try and meddle. In September the year 2030, Europe finally became a continent in peace again.  
  
Regina had returned home in 2030, two years after her brother's return. She had met Jasper in 2029, and he had been able to stay until she got to go home as well. Gabriel had been less fortunate.  
  
He had been stationed in Vietnam, which had been the worst place of all to be in, fallowed shortly by Korea. The Vietnamese people hadn't forgotten American's war in their country in the 1960ies, and they hadn't forgiven either. The hatred went too deep for any ice to be able to be broken during the first years, and even though the American soldiers were only there to help them out this time around, the habitants didn't want them there. Gabriel had arrived in 2026, and it had only taken him a few months before he'd fallen in love. The object of his affection had been a Vietnamese girl that he had met in Da Nang, and for the two years that he fought there they had been together. But then all of a sudden the war had ended. Vietnam was free, and the soldiers had no more business being there. Gabriel had thought he would bring his girlfriend Trang back home to the states, but quickly realized that it was a bad idea. Just like with the previous wars in Asia that the US had fought, this war had reawaken apartheid. Back in the states nobody cared if Trang was Vietnamese or Chinese. To them she was one of the animals that had killed their sons in Asia, and it didn't matter where she came from. Gabriel didn't want to put her through the hatred she would receive from so many people in the US, and he had talked to her about it too. She had agreed with him that it was better for her to stay in her home country. Gabriel had first thought of staying himself, but then he had gotten sent to Europe for a few months and then he had been forced to return to America. He had never seen or heard from her again, and he missed her dearly.  
  
Chandler had noticed the depression his son was going through, and at first he thought it was memories from the war combined with the difficulties to get readjusted to ordinary life in USA. But then Gabriel had ended up telling him about Trang. He had told his father everything, how he had met her, fallen in love and how much he actually loved her. And that he knew he'd had to leave her, and that he would most likely never see her again. Chandler had hugged him close, and known exactly what he was feeling. They had talked for hours after that, and Chandler had told Gabriel details about his own relationship to Monica. He knew better than anyone what it was like to loose someone you loved more than anything. Monica had been dead for twenty years by then, but Chandler still missed her just as much as if it had been twenty months. Gabriel and Chandler had gotten a lot closer after that, since Gabriel understood his father better now, and since Chandler was the only one in his life that knew how he felt and what he was going through. At the same time his relationship with Regina had gotten worse. Regina thought of him as a theft, stealing her father's affections away from her.  
  
But the war was over now, and Chandler had both his children safe back in New York. One of them with a heartache that came close to Chandler's own, even though it wasn't half as intense, and one of them with her emotional scars after seeing so many people die and get hurt.  
  
*  
  
Regina fled from the room where her patient lay, and ran the stairs until she reached the roof of the hospital. She flung the door open and raced out, slamming the door hard behind her. She ran over to the couch that sat up on the roof, and sank down on it, burying her face in her hands. It was so awful. And it was painfully familiar.  
  
She had a patient right now that was seven months pregnant, and recently diagnosed with lung cancer. Regina's mother had been seven months pregnant and diagnosed with cancer. Regina hadn't thought much of the resemblance at first, concentrating on the situation in hand. She told the woman that was her patient all the facts about the situation. She needed medication and chemotherapy, if she didn't get the treatment she had just about four months left to live. But the medicine would endanger the baby's health and even life. She would have to make a choice, her baby's safety or her own. The woman, Mrs. Peters, hadn't even thought about it for a second. She had told Regina to induce labour as fast as possible. Regina had tried not to shown how startled she was, and she had tried to convince Mrs. Peters to give her baby better odds to live. But the woman had refused to even hear about how long she could go without getting the treatment if she decided to give the baby some more time to develop.  
  
Regina cried bitterly, hating her job at the moment. The cold wind up on the roof didn't even bother her at the moment. She couldn't understand how anyone could be that selfish. How anyone could put their own life in front of a little child's, a child that was so dependent on it's mother. It was awful, and there was nothing Regina could do about it. She couldn't force Mrs. Peters to hold off with inducing labour. She couldn't even understand how Mrs. Peters was thinking, since her life was in no danger yet. Cancer treatment was a lot more effective now than it had been twenty years ago, and most people were cured within two months. Dying of cancer was rare when you were in the same age as Mrs. Peters. She had all the odds on her side, she could easily hold off another month at least without risking her own life. But she had refused. Blankly refused.  
  
While she wept Regina came to think of her own mother. She hadn't thought about her in over three years now, trying her best to forget about how horrible her childhood had been like. Her father had done everything he could, and she loved him more than anyone else in the world. She would do anything at all for his sake, and she knew that she had him to thank for everything. It was not her father's fault that she'd had a horrible childhood. She had been happier than all of her friends when she was little, when her mother was alive. But the death of her Mother had taken away the joy in her father's eyes and a source of love that Regina had thought would be there forever. And instead of her mother she had gotten a brother that she could hardly stand. And her mother had been in the same situation as Mrs. Peters was now, only she had made the choice that Regina in her heart whished Mrs. Peters would make.  
  
She looked up at the stars and remembered when she was little, and she had believed that her mother might be one of the stars in the sky. She had often looked up at the bright stars and wondered which one was Monica. Now she knew her mother wasn't one of the stars. She didn't know anything at all about where her mother was at this time, other than where her body was buried. Her father visited her mother's grave at least once a week, and he often sat there, staring into space, and probably thinking about things that had happened long before Regina had been born.  
  
Regina dried off her tears.  
  
*  
  
Gabriel opened the door and saw his sister on the other side. He looked at her skeptically. She never came to visit him alone, she always came with their father. And Gabriel had a strong suspicion that she only came when Chandler forced her to.  
  
"Is dad here too?" he asked.  
  
"No. It's just me. Can I come in?"  
  
He opened the door wider so she could get in. She walked inside, looking around and feeling unsure. She took off her coat and her scarf, and hung them on the coat rack. Gabriel silently followed her into the kitchen but didn't sit down even though she did.  
  
"Has something happened?" he asked. Then he looked worried. "There's nothing wrong with Dad, is there?" That was the only reason he could think of why she would come and visit him alone.  
  
"No. Dad's fine. I guess. I haven't talked to him."  
  
"So then why are you here?"  
  
Regina looked up at her brother. Now that he was an adult it was even more obvious just how much he resembled both of their parents. Regina could see the features from the two people she had loved since the day she was born in his face. And in his eyes, that had Monica's color but Chandler's shape, she saw a look that was always in her father's eyes. And she realized that she had never bothered to find out why that look was even there.  
  
"I came here…" she began, "to tell you that I love you."  
  
Gabriel looked at her. He said nothing. He took a sip from the coke in his hand, then put the can down on the sink. He kept looking at her, wordlessly.  
  
"I know you've ever expected me to say that…" Regina said. "But it's true. I do love you. And I just wanted you to know that."  
  
"Why, Regina?" he asked, and Regina knew he wasn't referring to her saying that she loved him. "Why did you then treat me this way? Why if you love me have you been so mean, so CRUEL towards me? I have always loved you, you're my big sister. But you've treated me really bad over the years."  
  
"I know" Regina said. "And if you let me, I'll tell you why."  
  
Gabriel made a hand gesture that was just like one of Chandler's. It meant 'go ahead'.  
  
"I saw this patient today…" Regina began. "A woman who was seven months pregnant and diagnosed lung cancer. She didn't want to wait with having the baby, she decided right away to give birth right away and to start the treatment. But this is dangerous for the baby, it needs at least another pair of weeks… The baby might very well die. And I just thought it was so horrible, you know? How can this woman, as a mother endanger the life of her unborn child? She isn't even in any immediate danger, she can easily wait for a while before starting the treatment. And then it all hit me. Mom was forced to make the same choice once, and she too made up her mind instantly, but she chose to give her baby a better chance to survive. She chose to wait for as long as possible before allowing you to be born, because she cared more about you than about herself. I would have made the exact same choice if I was here. But Mom gambled and she lost. She managed to save your life, but then she died. And I just realized today that she did the only thing she possibly could. She valued your life above her own because you were her son, and she would never have been able to forgive herself if she had done anything else than what she did. And it was in no way your fault."  
  
"That's not what you've said in the past…"  
  
"I know, Gabriel." Regina sighed and tried to decide how to continue with her story. "I was so little when Mom died. I was four years old, four and a half. I didn't understand what was going on and I didn't understand her choices. And I needed someone to blame, someone to hold responsible for my Mother's death! And people kept talking about how she died because she waited too long with giving birth, and that to me meant that you were responsible. I was only four years old, I didn't know what else to think! And I never said anything about it, and by the time anybody found out it was already too late. I had gotten much older by that time. If someone had talked to me during the first two or three years, if someone had just sat down and explained to me that you weren't responsible, then I would have believed them. But I didn't let it show that I felt like that, so no one found out about it. Until, as I said before, it was already too late. And by that time it had turned into more than just that. I was so jealous of you for the attention you got from Dad. Before you came along, it had been me and our parents, and that was the best time of my life. You have never seen dad really happy Gabriel, but I have. During the first years of my life I never say him UNHAPPY. Mom brought out this side in him that was so full of smiles and laughter and joy. And he had this glow in his eyes when he spoke about her, or to her, or just looked at her. In fact, all it took was mentioning her name and you would see that glow in his eyes. And his face would light up as soon as she was near, and there was this look that he would give her… But all of that went away after her death. And somehow I ended up blaming you for that too. And I never allowed myself to think about you in any other way than as the person responsible for my Mother's death. I knew somewhere deep inside that if I didn't think of you that way then I would realize that I actually love you a lot, and then I wouldn't be able to blame you anymore. But now I've reached a point where I just can't go around accusing you of things you had no control over. You are my brother Gabriel, and I love you. Mom loved you enough to die for you, and I know that Dad loves you that way too. And I think I love you that much as well. You're the last thing I have that is a living reminder of my mother, and…"  
  
She paused. She couldn't get another word out. She felt tired and her head was aching from all the emotional storms. She looked up when Gabriel sat down opposite her.  
  
"Ever since I was little…" he said. "Ever since I was little I've tried to win your love. You've always been like a role model to me, Regina. And you think you are jealous of me? Well you should just know how jealous I am of you. You have no idea how damn lucky you are, Regina Bing! Because for one thing you look like Mom. I've seen so many pictures of the woman who is our mother, and you look more like her than I'll ever do. Especially when your face is serious. I look too much like dad to be able to look a lot like mom. Sometimes when I think of mom she looks like you do. And there's more reasons for me to be jealous of you. You got to KNOW her, Regina! You got to live with her and you got to be loved by her for YEARS! You got to be the child that she held in her arms and sang lullabies to, the child who's forehead she kissed lovingly, the child that she played with and laughed with and KNEW! You got to have BOTH our parents in your life! And you got to know our dad as a HAPPY man! You got to see him be happy. I know I'll never get to see that anymore than I'll get to fall asleep in my mother's arms. You have no idea Gina how many nights I've laid awake, picturing what it would be like to get to hear my mother's voice telling me that she loves me." He paused for a second. "And when I was little I wished that I could reach you. I gave up trying after a while, but at first I wanted to get through to you. It would have been more… I don't know… natural if we had stuck together. I mean, we had no mother, all we had was Dad and each other."  
  
"Once I got a little older, everyone treated me as if I couldn't remember mom!" Regina said, deep into her own thoughts at the moment. "When she'd just died everyone felt so sorry for me, but once I got around six or seven people started acting as if I had forgotten about her. And I know most people may not remember things that happened when they were that little, but I have never forgotten her! I remember her, she's very clear in my head. I remember what she looked like, I remember most of the faces she made, I remember the difference in the smile that was meant for Dad and the one that was meant for me… And I remember her voice, I remember things she's told me. I've even got memories of incidents that happened, like this one time when mom got mad at dad and threw a pillow on him and he threw one right back. The next thing I knew they were in the middle of a huge pillow fight, laughing and shrieking. I remember stories she used to tell me and what lullabies she used to sing me to sleep with."  
  
She quieted and looked around in the book. She smiled slightly when her eyes fell on a copy of "Mio my Son" that her brother had on the kitchen table. She knew it was her brother's favorite Lindgren book, while her own was "The Brothers Lionheart". Now that she thought about it, it wasn't so strange that her brother had Mio as his favorite. Mio had too been a motherless child. His mother had died when he was born, and Gabriel's had died just after his birth. And Gabriel had even named his cat Miramis.  
  
"Still as fond of Mio, huh?" she stated, rather than asked.  
  
"Yeah. It was Christian Bale's best film, after all" he replied with a slight grin.  
  
"You know, I always preferred 'The Brothers Lionheart'" Regina said. "I used to force mom to read it to me. I didn't even understand the plot really, and the drawn pictures of Katla freaked me out…" She looked up at Gabriel. "Do you know what mom's last words to me where?"  
  
"Nope."  
  
"She said that I shouldn't cry, because I would get to see her in Nangiyala. She was quoting the book."  
  
"Like I said…" Gabriel said with a sad smile. "She got to know you. She'll never know me. But she knew you."  
  
*  
  
Two years later Gabriel and Regina came home to their Father's apartment late one afternoon. He had called them and asked them to come over. He was once again living in the apartment where he and Monica had lived. He had moved with the children right before Regina's thirteenth birthday, but sublet the apartment. And once Gabriel had gone to war he had moved back.  
  
At first they didn't see him. He was sitting on the couch. The same couch that had been there during Monica's lifetime. He was staring into space, listening to music and holding a piece of fabric in his hand that he was twisting around. The stereo was on, playing an old song from the twentieth century. It was "Cherish" by Kool & The Gang. It was clear that Chandler's mind was elsewhere. He probably wasn't even aware that his children were there.  
  
Let's take a walk together, near the ocean shore  
Hand in hand you and I  
Let's cherish every moment we have been given  
The time is passing by  
I often pray before I lay down  
By your side  
If you receive your calling before I awake  
Could I make it through the night?  
  
Cherish the love we have  
We should cherish the light within  
Cherish the love  
Cherish the light  
Cherish the love  
Cherish the love we have  
For as long as we both shall live  
Cherish the love  
Cherish the light  
Cherish the love  
  
Chandler was indeed lost in thought. Each song that was about parted lovers, especially lovers parted by death, made him think of her. This song had for years reminded him of how important it was to cherish the people close to you while you still have them there. And Monica and him had heard this song play at a restaurant they passed on their honeymoon when they were out on a moonlit stroll along the beach. He remembered that walk in detail.  
  
The world is always changing, nothing stays the same  
But love will stand the test of time  
The next life that we live in, remains to be seen  
Will you be by my side?  
I often pray before I lay down  
By your side  
And if you receive your calling before I awake  
Could I make it through the night?  
  
Gabriel shut the stereo off. Chandler looked up and realized that they were there. He hadn't noticed them entering. They both looked at him with confused expressions in their faces.  
  
"Hi kids" he said. "Sit down."  
  
They did, Regina next to him on the couch and Gabriel in the barca.  
  
"What's up dad?" Regina asked. "What's that thing you're holding?"  
  
Chandler smiled sadly and lifted up the top he'd been holding in his hands.  
  
"This…" he said, "is what your mother was wearing the night I asked her to marry me. Well, she changed clothes later on because we were gonna go out celebrate with our friends, but this is what she wore when I asked her. This and a skirt."  
  
"You remember what she was wearing?" Gabriel said, amazed. "Wow. I don't even remember what Trang was wearing the first time she said she loved me… All I know is that it wasn't an ao dai."  
  
"I found this in a box when I unpacked clothes after I moved back here again" Chandler said, looking at the top. "I placed it in that chest in the bedroom. And it's been laying there until today." He looked up at them. "But that's not why I called you two. I've got something important to tell you."  
  
"What is it?" Gabriel asked.  
  
Chandler smiled slightly.  
  
"I've got cancer. Lung cancer."  
  
"What?" Regina exclaimed. "Oh my goodness!"  
  
"Are you going to be okay?" Gabriel asked.  
  
"I'm going to die" Chandler said.  
  
"Just like mom…" Gabriel whispered and looked away. It seemed as if cancer would always follow him. Is mother had died from it, his sister worked with it and now his father said he was going to die from it.  
  
"Dad, that's silly!" Regina said, sounding scared and slightly desperate. "Come on now, I work with cancer treatment! Lung cancer is easy to treat these days! You should be able to survive without any problems!"  
  
"Regina, sweetheart…" Chandler said with a sad smile. "I'm not going to have any treatment."  
  
"WHAT!" his two children exclaimed.  
  
"Listen you two…" Chandler said sadly. "I love you two both. But all three of us know that my life hasn't been very happy. Ever since your mother died I've been unafraid of dying. There have been times when I've even wanted to die. These days I haven't had any direct desire to do so, but now that I've gotten sick I don't mind dying."  
  
"What, do you feel that you HONOR Monica's death by dying in the same disease?" Gabriel asked, annoyed.  
  
"I met Monica when I was nineteen. She became my close friend when I was twenty-four. And she became my girlfriend when I was thirty. I loved her more than life. But I only got to have her for ten years. Now I'm sixty-six years old. Out of those sixty-six years I only got to have her for ten. That's horrible. And I know that if I decide to battle this disease I might live until I'm NINETY-SIX. Eighty-six years without her is more than I can stand. It's been awful enough as it is. She's been dead for twenty-six years now, and each year has felt like a decade. I don't want to be alone anymore, I don't want to miss her for even a year more. I've spent so many years missing her, and it's a missing that goes deeper than anything you've experienced with Trang, Gabriel. Because she was not only the woman that I loved, she was the mother of my two children and the most basic need in my life. A day without her was an eternity back then. And do you know what? It still is."  
  
"But dad, that's no reason to KILL yourself!" Regina objected.  
  
"I'm not killing myself. I'm just not having any treatment for my cancer. I've been without her for long enough. It's time for me to get to be with her again."  
  
"So you're just going to risk your life for that?" Gabriel asked, still annoyed. "You know dad, death may just be ceasing to exist. You have no guarantees that mom lives on somewhere, you might just be dying for NOTHING!"  
  
"Even if you're right, that would be worth it. the pain and loneliness will be over."  
  
"But what about US? You are the only parent we've got, dad! The only parent I have ever gotten to know!"  
  
"I know, Gabriel. But you are twenty-six years old and your sister is thirty. My role as a guardian and as a guide for the two of you is over. You don't need a parent."  
  
"Of course we do" Regina softly objected, trying to keep her tears back. "You're the strongest link to our childhood. You're the person who knows us better than anyone else, and we know we can come to you with all of our troubles, problems and secrets. We can't come to anyone else than you."  
  
"Listen…" Chandler said, almost as softly as Regina had spoken. "Twenty-six years. Twenty-six years since my wife died. She was the one who *I* could come to with all that you just spoke about. She was the person who would always listen, who would always love me no matter what I did. She would have forgiven me adultery even. She was my soulmate and the missing part of me. I've been half a person since the day that she died, and I needed her a lot more than you and your brother need me. You've got Jasper, Regina. If he is your soulmate then he will soon fill my place as your counselor."  
  
"No he won't" Regina objected. "No one is as close to me as you are. And do you know what? He hasn't been there throughout my entire life. He doesn't know every single thing about me and he doesn't have any knowledge of when I was little, except for what I have told him. And hearing about it is not the same thing as knowing about it, as BEING there when I occurred."  
  
"Then let him in. I let your mother in, I let her hear all about my bad childhood and painful memories and she UNDERSTOOD me! She got to know me so well that she could reflect back to things I had told her about my life and understand my problems even better. If she could be there for me and understand me better than I understood myself, then Jasper can do the same for you. This is not something that is up for discussion, Regina. I am not having any treatment. And that's final. I don't want to survive this disease. And I don't want to go through what my wife went through the first time she was sick, for something that I don't even BELIEVE in! Something I don't even WANT! She had EVERYTHING to survive for, I only have loneliness, heartache and a loss that has torn me apart over more than two-and-a-half decades! And I have you two, but you don't need me anymore. I'm not as much a part of your lives as I was before, and I'm sorry you two, but I have reached a point where it's not worth the pain. Only seeing your future as a painful treatment period followed by the same kind of pain that I live with everyday, that's not something anybody wants."  
  
"Dad, treatment isn't as full of side affects as it was back when mom was sick!" Regina objected.  
  
"Maybe not. You know, I used to sing to her when she was sick the first time around and she was feeling really bad after treatment? I used to sit by her bedside and quietly sing 'The Drugs Don't Work' to her."  
  
"You sang a song like that?" Gabriel asked. "Dad, that doesn't sound too encouraging."  
  
"I'm going to miss the two of you" Chandler said. "But I have made my decision and I am sticking by it."  
  
*  
  
Regina slammed the door hard, not bothering to wipe off the tears that fell down her cheeks. She went into the living room and found Jasper sitting there with a book in his lap. He looked up at her when he heard her enter. She stood in front of him, with her hands on her hips.  
  
"Jasper. I've got to ask" she said. "Do you see yourself ever married to me?"  
  
Jasper laughed.  
  
"Wow. Hold no bars, huh? Sure I see myself ever married to you. Is this a discreet way of telling me I should start thinking of propose."  
  
"This is a non-discreet way to tell you that in that case I want to get married within a month or two."  
  
"What?" Jasper said, shocked. He rose and the book fell to the floor.  
  
"I want to get married within a month or two. You heard me" Regina said.  
  
"What on earth has caused this sudden urge to get married? This is out of the blue, you know!"  
  
"Dad is dying!" Regina said, and the tears started falling again. "He's got cancer and he won't let me treat him! He wants to die, he wants to get to be with my mother again!"  
  
"I'm sorry. I like your dad. Too bad he's dying. But Regina, what on earth does this have to do with marriage?"  
  
"I want my father to walk me down the aisle when I get married. He means more to me than you will ever know, and it's my highest wish to get to walk next to him down the aisle when I get married one day! And if you want to marry me, then why don't we? I've only got one wish for my wedding, and it's kinda' on a clock at the moment… What's the point in waiting anyway? "  
  
Jasper sighed. He told her he would think it through first. Two days later they announced their engagement.  
  
*  
  
In August that year Regina and Gabriel sat by Chandler's bedside at the hospital. He was going to die very soon, and all three of them knew it. Regina's cheeks were wet from the tears that wouldn't stop falling. She tried to dry them with her left hand, that now wore a wedding band, but it was no use. Gabriel wasn't crying, but he knew he might start to cry at any minute.  
  
Chandler was looking at them with a faint smile. He hoped he would get to die today. It would mean a lot to him if he did. It was his and Monica's wedding anniversary.  
  
"Don't cry you two" he said with the little voice he had left. "I love you both. But this is what I want. I'm actually feeling happy for the first time in many years. I know I'll get to see Monica soon."  
  
"But is it really worth it?" Regina whispered through her tears. "Is death worth it?"  
  
"Yes. It's worth it if I can get to see her face again."  
  
"I love you, daddy!" Regina said, and hugged him close. She heard Gabriel rise and go around the bed. Then he leaned in and hugged them both from that side of the bed. Chandler closed his eyes when he heard his son tell him that he loved him. He could feel his daughter's cheek touch his left, and his son's touch his right when they both hugged him. He closed his eyes and sent a thought to Monica.  
  
Regina was the first to break the hug after over five minutes. She closed her eyes and dried her cheeks. When she opened her eyes she saw Gabriel lean back and then look at her with a great sorrow in his eyes. She looked over at Chandler.  
  
Chandler felt her soft hands caress his cheeks and he opened his eyes. She smiled lovingly at him and he smiled back, feeling a lot better. She grabbed his hands and pulled him up so that he was sitting. He got out of bed and watched her put her arm around Gabriel and placing a loving kiss on his forehead. Then Monica turned back at him and smiled the smile he knew was only meant for him. He saw her put her arms around Regina's shoulders too, placing a kiss on her forehead as well. Then she turned to look at him again and she reached out her hand to him. He took it and they got closer to each other. For what could have been anything between a second or a year they looked deep into each other's eyes. And then they kissed.   
  
  
So... review please... give me your opinion. Im posting the epilogue ASAP, but if you can't wait (lol) you can find it at Ashlee's site... :)!  



	14. Epilogue

INTRODUCTION: An epilogue to the Always series. It's not a must-read, it's more of a "if you feel like it" kind of thing.  
DISCLAIMER: You know the drill...  
  
  
~*~Talk~*~  
  
  
She was there. Her hand was in his. Her hip lightly touched his. Her smile warmed his entire being. She was dead. So was he. She was just as beautiful as she had been the last time he saw her, and then some. All marks of disease and sorrow were gone. She was the spitting image of herself when she had been the most happy.  
  
He didn't know what he looked like. She had died at the age of 38. He at 66. She looked younger than her age of death, but did he? He knew it didn't matter. Not to her. And if it didn't matter to her then it didn't matter to him. And the look in her eyes told him that it didn't matter to her.  
  
Then finally, for the first time in so long, she spoke.  
  
"You have aged with grace, my love" she said. Her voice was just like he had remembered it. Her hand stroke his cheek lovingly. "You look beautiful."  
  
"Do I look my age?" he asked, causing her to giggle.  
  
"Every once in a while" she replied. "No, actually you don't. You look just like you did when I remember you looking your absolute best… That's how I remember you the best, how I see you in my heart, and that's how I see you now."  
  
"But still you knew what I look like as an old man?" he said, smiling at her.  
  
"I've kept my eye on you" she replied. "Like you said at my memorial service. I have been your guardian angel. I've followed you throughout your years after my death. You think you're the only one who's in need of the other one? I needed to see you, like you needed to see me."  
  
"You've been there?"  
  
She nodded.  
  
"Every single day I have been there. Seeing you. Hearing you. Trying to understand your pain."  
  
"Trying?"  
  
"You never knew I was there. I knew you were there. I never lost you 100%. I lost contact with you, not vision. You were always there in my… well, not life, since I'm dead… My death, I guess that's the correct term."  
  
"I've missed you so badly."  
  
"I know. I've wanted so many things for you, trying to help you out. And what I wanted most of all was for you to stop being so sad. You rarely cried, but the language of grief isn't tears. Not always, and not for everyone. Crying easens the pain, but not everybody knows that. You kept it all inside. And you suffered. And I suffered with you. It was tearing me apart to see you so sad and so devastated. I wanted everything good in life for you. Some of it I could give you. I kept my guardian eye on our son when he went to Nam. I kept him safe, to return to you. I kept you well. You were hardly ever sick."  
  
"Until I got sick and died."  
  
"Your days of smoking brought that on you. I couldn't do anything about it.  
  
"I'm glad. My pain is over. And I don't mean physical pain. I mean heartaches and sorrow. The pain I've faced every single day since the morning when I woke up and you were dead in my arms."  
  
"Believe me my love, I hated seeing what my death did to you. I saw you so sad, and I wanted to tell you to smile. To be happy again. I wanted you to know what I know. That I was constantly with you. But there are rules for the dead as well as for the living. In order for you to know, I would have to kill you. And I could never harm you. Never. And there was nothing that I could do when you were alone, grieving. I sat by your side each minute. I stayed by your side when you fell asleep each night, and I kept nearby for a while afterwards to give you nice dreams. And then I would sit with one of the children. Each night. And when sorrow got the best of you, when you shut the door to our bedroom and to your heart, I would be there. You seemed to always sit beneath the bed and fight the feelings that were tormenting you. And when you felt the worst…"  
  
He closed his eyes and saw flashback after flashback from his life, all about the same thing. He saw it all in less than a second, and he remembered how somehow when he felt the worst he would get an odd sense of calmness come over him. An odd sense of comfort.  
  
"When you felt the worst," she continued, "I would place my hand on your heart. Just to somehow let you know that I was there. And that I would never leave you. And to make the pain easier to bare."  
  
"And I used to feel it" he whispered. He gazed into her eyes. "The relief coming over me. The sense that somehow everything would be okay."  
  
He buried his head by hers and put his arms around her, pulling her closer. She put her arms around him and he felt the soft touch of her skin and the warmth of her love.  
  
"Oh my goodness, I have missed you beyond anything you could ever imagine!" he whispered. "My heart is bursting now with the intense joy of being by your side. Just to see you and hear you. And to know that you've waited for me."  
  
"I would never abandon you…" she whispered back. "You're my husband."  
  
They were quiet for a while, both enjoying the closeness of the other one's company. The familiar touch and familiar hug, and to have gotten to be reunited with their other half. He was the first one to speak later on.  
  
"Our poor children… I've really failed, haven't I?"  
  
She looked at him, confused.  
  
"How could you possibly have failed? Just look at them! They are both very good people. You've done an amazing job."  
  
"Our daughter hated our son. That alone says it all."  
  
"That was more my fault than it was yours. And they are amazing people, you know. And they both love you so. They think you've been the best father, and I agree with them. I've been keeping an eye on you, you know that, and I am very proud over how you've raised our children. I know they've had the best father imaginable."  
  
"If only you hadn't died, honey…" he said. "Then everything would have been so much better! We would have had each other, loved each other, supported each other. Taken care of them, shown them what a healthy marriage is like and what a wonderful childhood is like. And I would have been a ten times better father than I turned out to be."  
  
"I wish that I could get to know him. Our son. Or, more correctly, I wished that he would get to know me. But I'm happy with how you've taught them both to respect me. And respect in general. They're got a wonderful upbringing, sweetie. And you filled it with all the love you had."  
  
"I made our son a promise, remember? I promised him to love him for the both of us. And I hope I did."  
  
"They both knew throughout their entire lives, that no matter what they did you would love them. You gave them security. You loved them. For the both of us."  
  
"Now I'm concentrating on loving you…" he answered. "I want to give you all the love and emotion that I've been unable to give to you for 26 years."  
  
Their lips met. Then she grabbed his hand and took him with her to see them. Their children. Their daughter who sat quietly in front of an open fire, twisting her wedding ring around on her finger. And their son who had never known his mother, and who now sat and silently cried while watching an old home video from his parents' wedding.  
  
They returned to wherever they had been before. Time and place didn't exist somehow. They were dead. They had no places to be, no times to chase. They only had each other and eternity.  
  
He lay down, exhausted after all he'd been through during the day. She lay down next to him. Her head rested on his shoulder and her arm lay across his chest. Together they watched the sun set over his life, and over heaven.  
  
"It was really true…" he said.  
  
"Which was?" she asked.  
  
"You. Your message to me. You were with me. Always."  
  
"I knew that I would always be. Even if death only meant ceasing to exist. In your heart I would always be. I moved in to the empty room in your heart so many years ago, and when I did I knew I would never leave."  
  
"I will always be with you too… Always."  
  
  
Now it's up to you if this really happened or if Chandler's just having fever dreams ("Jonatan... Nagilima! I see the light! I see the light" LMAO)... Either way, give me a review please!  



End file.
